Over the years, Ive been one of the more vocal critics of the LSU fanbase. Corndogs, funnel cakes, carnival workers, slashed tires, raped daughters, 80 year old women showing their tits, three-ways under tailgate tents. Youve heard it all before. And let me say, Ive traveled to every SEC stadium save Fayetteville, so I consider myself fairly well-versed on the intricacies of college fanbases. And until this past weekend, I have always placed the folks at LSU atop the steaming trash heap.
But, alas, I have gone to Morgantown and I have seen something far worse. Something so terrible that you cant really make fun of it without feeling like youre picking on Corky from Life Goes On. And I say this with a straight face: Thank God for classy people like LSU fans. And so, in this post, I will try to refrain from hyperbole. I want you, the sixpack reader, to value the gravity with which I speak. And so, I will relate my experience to you as accurately as is possible.
Have you ever stood in line for tickets to an eagerly anticipated Bubba Sparxxx concert? Me neither. But Im quite sure I just experienced something very similar. People often jokingly say things like, Hey, going to West Virginia are you? Bet youll see a lot of missing teeth. Ha ha. Well, let me tell you. Teeth are the least of my worries after a weekend in Morgantown. I think the discussion needs to shift to missing chromosomes. Seriously.
Some quick percentages based on my observations: Fans above age 15 without a tattoo: 12%. Fans below age 15 without a tattoo: 65%. Fans with the equivalent of a bachelors degree from MSU: 3%. Fans born into wedlock: 36%. Men with a goatee: 84%. Women with a goatee: 4%. Black people: -8%. Hooded sweatshirts: 97%. Wearing khakis or slacks: 1%. Ever worn khakis or slacks: 9%. Tongue studs: 45%. Pet anaconda, iguana, or bobcat: 68%.
There were some West Virginia fans sitting in the row behind me who were probably leaving the game to go work the evening shift at the wastewater plant who were commenting on two MSU fans sitting a couple of rows below. Mind you, most of the MSU fans were dressed in normal gameday attire. One turns to the other and says, Man, those MSU fans sure do dress all snobby for football games. Buncha stuckup pricks.
You may be thinking hillbillies, yokels, rednecks, etc. But thats not it at all. Thats what makes this group so tough to pinpoint, so tough to describe in QWERTY. It was straight-up factory trash minus the factories. It was like if Kid Rock, Courtney Love, and Lil Kim hooked up and had a retard child who was a Cleveland Browns fan. Whoever said this was the WWE crowd, you nailed it. Every gal had a gut, and every dude had 5-20 pubes dangling from his upper lip. Showers, who needs em? Baggy jeans? Check. 2002 Adidas cross-trainers? Check. Haircut 15 months ago? Check. Wallet chain? Check. 80 pounds of yuengling hanging off your midsection? Check. *** crack? Check. Fatass girlfriend wearing West ****** Virgina t-shirt and a rhinestone belt I think but I couldnt see it because her backfat was squeezed out and draped on top of it? Check.
Walking maroon-clad through the Pit, which was WVUs answer to the Junction, except that it was in a huge, disgusting parking lot felt about as safe as walking through downtown Mogadishu passing out Pat Buchanan for President handbills. People were pissing in a more public, blatant, disgusting, anatomical way than anything youve ever seen at Mardi Gras. Walk through the Junction and you might hear Boys of Summer or Dixieland Delight maybe even something as risqu as Back in Black. Prior to my trip to Morgantown, I thought John Denvers Country Roads would be as overplayed as Rocky Top in Knoxville. But no. Blaring from every vehicle in the Pit was Death Metal, or ho-slapping gangsta rap if you got lucky
Ill also say this. In all my visits to college campuses, Ive always kept an eye out for talent. Some places are flourishing with talent (Ole Miss). Others are a little behind the curve (Tulane). Some have the talent but that talent comes with STDs (LSU). But suffice it to say, every college campus Ive been to is teaming with talent relative to the rest of society. General rule of thumb, right? 18-22 year olds in their prime trying to flaunt it. Not in Morgantown. I kept an eye out, and again, I am NOT overstating this. I did not see one female that I would rate higher than a 3.5. Dead serious. Not a single one. And for reference, Leigh Anne is at least a 6 on my scale. There was this one chick at the Texas Roadhouse Steak place after the game that I saw going to into the bathroom that I would rate a 6.5, but I cant count her as part of the WVU faithful.
Maybe this explains some of the mystery surrounding the man that is Doc Foglesong. After having visited his alma mater, I really appreciate the effort he puts forth on gameday. His jorts and knee-high maroon and white socks look damned good compared to what hes used to.
So heres to you Moutaineers. You did something I thought was impossible. You made Baton Rouge look like Buckingham Palace.
But, alas, I have gone to Morgantown and I have seen something far worse. Something so terrible that you cant really make fun of it without feeling like youre picking on Corky from Life Goes On. And I say this with a straight face: Thank God for classy people like LSU fans. And so, in this post, I will try to refrain from hyperbole. I want you, the sixpack reader, to value the gravity with which I speak. And so, I will relate my experience to you as accurately as is possible.
Have you ever stood in line for tickets to an eagerly anticipated Bubba Sparxxx concert? Me neither. But Im quite sure I just experienced something very similar. People often jokingly say things like, Hey, going to West Virginia are you? Bet youll see a lot of missing teeth. Ha ha. Well, let me tell you. Teeth are the least of my worries after a weekend in Morgantown. I think the discussion needs to shift to missing chromosomes. Seriously.
Some quick percentages based on my observations: Fans above age 15 without a tattoo: 12%. Fans below age 15 without a tattoo: 65%. Fans with the equivalent of a bachelors degree from MSU: 3%. Fans born into wedlock: 36%. Men with a goatee: 84%. Women with a goatee: 4%. Black people: -8%. Hooded sweatshirts: 97%. Wearing khakis or slacks: 1%. Ever worn khakis or slacks: 9%. Tongue studs: 45%. Pet anaconda, iguana, or bobcat: 68%.
There were some West Virginia fans sitting in the row behind me who were probably leaving the game to go work the evening shift at the wastewater plant who were commenting on two MSU fans sitting a couple of rows below. Mind you, most of the MSU fans were dressed in normal gameday attire. One turns to the other and says, Man, those MSU fans sure do dress all snobby for football games. Buncha stuckup pricks.
You may be thinking hillbillies, yokels, rednecks, etc. But thats not it at all. Thats what makes this group so tough to pinpoint, so tough to describe in QWERTY. It was straight-up factory trash minus the factories. It was like if Kid Rock, Courtney Love, and Lil Kim hooked up and had a retard child who was a Cleveland Browns fan. Whoever said this was the WWE crowd, you nailed it. Every gal had a gut, and every dude had 5-20 pubes dangling from his upper lip. Showers, who needs em? Baggy jeans? Check. 2002 Adidas cross-trainers? Check. Haircut 15 months ago? Check. Wallet chain? Check. 80 pounds of yuengling hanging off your midsection? Check. *** crack? Check. Fatass girlfriend wearing West ****** Virgina t-shirt and a rhinestone belt I think but I couldnt see it because her backfat was squeezed out and draped on top of it? Check.
Walking maroon-clad through the Pit, which was WVUs answer to the Junction, except that it was in a huge, disgusting parking lot felt about as safe as walking through downtown Mogadishu passing out Pat Buchanan for President handbills. People were pissing in a more public, blatant, disgusting, anatomical way than anything youve ever seen at Mardi Gras. Walk through the Junction and you might hear Boys of Summer or Dixieland Delight maybe even something as risqu as Back in Black. Prior to my trip to Morgantown, I thought John Denvers Country Roads would be as overplayed as Rocky Top in Knoxville. But no. Blaring from every vehicle in the Pit was Death Metal, or ho-slapping gangsta rap if you got lucky
Ill also say this. In all my visits to college campuses, Ive always kept an eye out for talent. Some places are flourishing with talent (Ole Miss). Others are a little behind the curve (Tulane). Some have the talent but that talent comes with STDs (LSU). But suffice it to say, every college campus Ive been to is teaming with talent relative to the rest of society. General rule of thumb, right? 18-22 year olds in their prime trying to flaunt it. Not in Morgantown. I kept an eye out, and again, I am NOT overstating this. I did not see one female that I would rate higher than a 3.5. Dead serious. Not a single one. And for reference, Leigh Anne is at least a 6 on my scale. There was this one chick at the Texas Roadhouse Steak place after the game that I saw going to into the bathroom that I would rate a 6.5, but I cant count her as part of the WVU faithful.
Maybe this explains some of the mystery surrounding the man that is Doc Foglesong. After having visited his alma mater, I really appreciate the effort he puts forth on gameday. His jorts and knee-high maroon and white socks look damned good compared to what hes used to.
So heres to you Moutaineers. You did something I thought was impossible. You made Baton Rouge look like Buckingham Palace.
