The 15 Craziest Women's Names Revealed

Radio stations compile these odd lists of “show topics” which I generally ignore because they are unbelievably boring. But occasionally I stumble across one that is interesting, which was the case for the list I found of the craziest Women’s names in all of America. Apparently these authors searched through results for women accused of stalking, domestic issues and other crimes of odd women passion and looked for commonalities in the names. They then came up with the Top 15, which are listed below. As you can see, most names are common, which is to be expected. But as I look at the list, I can also see how they got there. So with some personal experience of my own as commentary, here is the list:

1. Ashley: Prominent Examples: Ashley Judd, Ashley Olsen, Ashlee Simpson

The craziest name of all is apparently Ashley, a common name in modern times that can be associated with young celebrities. As with all of these names, odd spellings tends to correlate with craziness (see Ashlee Simpson) and in my experience, Ashleys tend to be girls that enjoy the party scene. A high school crush of mine who is awesome was named Ashley (she later dated Shane Battier) but the name also applies to a girl I knew after college who once threw my friend’s cell phone in a pool because he used it to “text the nasty hoochies at Dennys.” (as far as I know, he didn’t even have one hoochie at Dennys, much less a plural number). I can concur with rare exception, that Ashley is the craziest name collective name of women in the land.

2. Melissa: Prominent examples: Melissa McCarthy, Melissa Ethridge, Melissa Joan Hart, Melissa Rivers

I am not sure I agree with this one. There is a Melissa in my life that is one of my closest family friends and when I think of the name Melissa, I think of someone dignified and classy (or at least funny). However, if they go by the name “Missy”, all bets are off. Missys are the kind of women that you went to high school with who tried to out drink the football players and took off her shirt every Friday night in the Roses parking lot. #2 seems way high for Melissa but Missys should be avoided at all cost.

3. Shannon: Prominent Examples: Shannon Elizabeth, Shannon Tweed, Shannon the Dude

Female Shannons are promiscuous. I don’t like to be judgmental, but facts are facts. I knew a Shannon when I lived in Washington DC who was very smart, interned on Capitol Hill and bragged about hooking up with two US Representatives at least once a week. Shannons are generally good people, the type of women that you love to hang out with. But just know that you are exploring no new ground and that in the end, you may be left with more than just a memory of your time together.

4. Allison: Prominent Examples: Allison Janney, Allison Stewart, Alison Lundergan Grimes

For a long time, I had a rule about Allisons…two “L”s they were normal…one “L” crazy. I lived by this rule for most of my life and it never did me wrong. Now we have a prominent Senate candidate in this state with one L and people are telling me to reconsider. But spelling of names is is important (as we will discuss further). And with the relatively few famous Allisons, I can only go by experience. I had a great high school and college friend named Allison with two LLs. I knew one girl who worked with me as a lawyer with one L and I generally thought she might stab me. Mitch McConnell should use this is in campaign ad.

5. Rebecca: Prominent Examples: Rebecca Romijn, Rebecca Lobo, Rebecca Black

My longtime college girlfriend was named Rebecca and is one of the best people I know. So I don’t agree with the ranking. But like with “Missy”, there is no doubt that a “Becky” is certifiably insane. Becky is the type to slash your tires, go through your phone and pour a drink on you in public. Run from all Beckys…trust me.

6. Mary: Prominent Examples: Mary Poppins, Mary Magdalene, Mary Lou Retton, Mary Todd Lincoln, Mary J Blige, Mary Kate Olsen, Mary Tyler Moore

As seen by the list of impressive celebrities above, Marys tend to come in three names. I have a Mary in my life that I love but I also know that Marys can be that “sneaky crazy” type. The kind that seems normal and sweet on the outside but when the doors are closed, they have a way of completely taking on a Dr Jekyl/Mr. Hyde personality. Look at that list..you know Mary Lou Retton was kind of crazy (all gymnasts are), the Olsen twins are too rich and were two famous to be even close to normal (and both have names on the top six of this list) and Mary Todd Lincoln, seemed to always make Abe depressed (or at least that is what I remember from the way Sally Field played her in “Lincoln”). Mary is the kind of woman you marry and then realize ten years later that she hates you and secretly wants you to ruin your life so she can say “I told you so.” Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

7. Christina: Prominent Examples: Christina Aguilera, Christina Milan, Christina Ricci, Christina Applegate

The life of the party is always named Cristina, or its party derivative “Kristi” (if it is spelled Christy, you are safe). Christinas are prone to bursts of manic behavior, screaming fits and large weight swings. Meanwhile Kristis are prone to twerking, body shots and cheating with your boyfriend. Christina is the only name on the list that produces two equally crazy forms, but with varying attributes. It should have been much higher on this list, as showcased by the Kristi I escorted for homecoming in high school. Right before we were to walk out on the football field for the ceremony, she looked at me and said, “Matthew, I bet you just put ice in my paintieeeees.” That is just what Kristi’s do. (By the way, she won and for the record, I had not put ice in her panties)

8. Stephanie: Prominent Examples: Stephanie McMahon, Stephanie Seymour, Stephanie Pratt

I cannot think of a Stephanie that I know that doesn’t have fake breasts. That includes the three famous ones listed above. I am sure they exist, but off the top of my head, I cannot think of one. Stephanies tend to be beautiful and very charming. However deep inside most Stephanies is an understanding that they look good, they worked hard (or paid a lot) to look good and you better appreciate them. If you don’t there will be trouble. And Stephanies have a level of craziness where trouble for you will most certainly follow.

9. Victoria: Prominent Examples: Victoria Azarenka, Victoria Jackson, Victoria Principal, Victoria Beckham

Victoria is the first name on the list that genuinely scares me…not like “ha ha, my girlfriend is crazy, she hacked into my Twitter account.” No, more like, “she is crazy, she just cut my hamster’s head off.” Victorias initially start as fun and usually go by the name of Vicki. Vickis (or Vickie) are fun girls who have bubbly personalities, like to go to laugh and look great in a bikini. But then they get older, become more serious and go back to Victoria, at which point they are planning on doing something psycho to you. Victorias tend to have a screw loose and if you date one, do so in their Vickie stage, and way before the return to Victoria starts to make things scary.

10. Kelly: Prominent Examples: Kelly Kapowski, Kelly Bundy, Kelly Rowland, Kelly Kelly

Every last one of you has dated a Kelly. All of you. Kellys are beautiful and the apples of everyone’s eye. I lived next door to Kelly Kelly when she was in Louisville and she may have been the hottest woman I have ever known. Everyone fell in love with Kelly Kapowski and wished they had a fling with Kelly Bundy. We all know that deep down a Kelly is nuts and things will end badly, but Kellys are what all men aspire to date. Men are puddy in the hands of a Kelly and there is little we can do about it.

11. Tiffany: Prominent Examples: Tiffany, Tiffani Amber-Thiessen

This one puts me in a tough spot. Because most of my friends are either married to, or have dated, Tiffanys that I liked. However one search of “famous Tiffanys” on Google and you find that there are almost none that aren’t models/adult stars. Try right now and think of a Tiffany. Unless you know my friends’ wives, you are thinking of a blond girl who is tan and has done things her parents should not know about. I don’t necessarily think of Tiffanys as crazy, but I do think of them as wild and emotional…which can in the right setting provide plenty of crazy as well.

12. Elizabeth: Prominent Examples: Elizabeth Taylor, Elizabeth Hurley, Elizabeth Berkley, Miss Elizabeth, Queen Elizabeth, Elizabeth Dole

Elizabeth is a sneaky name…it sounds dignified and proper, likely owing to the great Queen who spawned so many imitators. But like Queen Elizabeth, there is a dark side that can often lead her to have people killed at a whim and follow odd life paths that take them into bad marriages and making “Showgirls.” Every Elizabeth I have known was striking upon meeting and very impressive. However under that layer were traits that bordered on bizarre. While I lived in Washington DC, I went out a few times with an Elizabeth and one day we were supposed to go to dinner and I called her and asked if seafood was ok. She responded, “you know, let’s just not go. Suggesting eating fish on a night like tonight (it was Tuesday) says a lot about who you are. Forget it.” We never spoke again. (If anyone can interpret that quote, let me know…but like most thinks crazy, it is probably impossible)

13. Heather: Prominent Examples: Heather Graham, Heather Locklear, Heather Cox

You know women are insane when they make a movie about just how crazy girls with that name can be. “Heathers” showcased three rich, pretty girls that the school hated for being mean and insane and in real life, Heathers often follow the script. A Heather is the kind of person who will leave fifteen messages on your phone in 25 minutes, while at the same time telling all her friends that she has no interest in you. If you ever find yourself dating a Heather, make sure you have a password she does not know, or just expect your friends to wake up one day with text messages from your phone talking about what a terrible person you are and how you did her wrong (not that I would know anything about that…asking for a friend)

14. Andrea: Prominent Examples: Andrea Mitchell, Andrea Kremer, Andrea Barton

I wouldn’t have put Andrea on this list. Every Andrea I have known is sweet and to me, this one is misplaced. I think Brittany would have been much more applicable. In addition to Miss Spears, my life has been a series of interactions with Brittneys, each a little bit crazier than the one before. And in recent generations, the success of Spears has caused her namesakes to follow her, making them even more bizarre and prone to fits or irrational behavior. Compared to Brittneys, Andreas are choir girls and should be bumped from this company of insanity.

15. Lindsey: Prominent Examples: Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay Davenport, Lindsay Czarniak

You didn’t think we could get through this list without a Lindsay did you? In addition to the craziest celebrity walking the streets of Hollywood, every single one of you under the age of 40 has either dated, or knows someone who has dated a Lindsay that is absolutely certifiably insane. My example comes from college and a friend who had his tires slashed, but yours is certainly somewhere in your mind. Lindsay is rehab crazy and no matter how much fun she is to be around, she isn’t worth the drama. If this were my list, she would be in the top three with Kelly and Brittany, but she finds herself 15 here. All of you right now that have a friend dating a Lindsay, warn them. The question isn’t if, it is when things will turn out badly.

So there you go, feel free to add yours below or pass it along. Can any of you beat Ryan Lemond’s friend who has dated 6 of the 15? (I only have 4)