'A Decade of Destruction' by Nicholas Sparks
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Hey girl.[/caption]
I could have entitled this post '20 Reasons Why Nicholas Sparks is Responsible for the Destruction of All Humankind,' but wanted to keep it concise. For once.
It's that time of year again, the glorious month where Sarah Ida Shaw jokes and Buzzfeedian "single cat lady life" and "what I'm doing instead of going on a date" blogposts reign supreme--it's almost Valentine's Day people. Whether you're single, married, dating, or somewhere in between ("talking" as the kids say these days probably) Valentine's Day polarizes the United States like only Barack Obama, plastic surgery, and The Big Bang Theory fans can--love it or loathe it, there is no in between.
Take this dichotomy one step further, to the fascist/communist spectrum of my poly sci days at Transy, two things so opposite that they're almost alike (it's a circle or something) and you have America's relationship to Nicholas Sparks.
It's pretty easy to guess what camp that I fall into--as a girl who writes for the pop culture offshoot of a sports site, I wouldn't say I'm a fan of Nicholas Sparks, neither his contributions to literature or film are particularly my taste--not enough folk music or Scorsese; but I'm going to take this next level s*** and say not only has Nicholas Sparks destroyed what was already the worst holiday of the year after President's Day, but he has been detrimental to American culture and pop culture. That's right, our post-Clinton era blues are not due to 9/11, outsourcing of American jobs, Netflix, or gay marriage or medical marijuana--Nicholas Sparks is responsible.
While I ordinarily am not a fan of the KSR's favorite son, the list, reducing my rambling to bullet points is my gift to you this Valentine's Day Eve. Soak up this moment my brothers and sisters.
It's the 10-year anniversary of the movie that started it all; it may not have been his first (was his third in fact,) but in 2004, Nicholas Sparks' 1996 novel--The Notebook, hit the theaters.
And it ruined EVERYTHING.
Here's 20 reasons why:
1) Defined the appropriate guilty pleasures for the sexes
Perhaps further defined.
A "guilty pleasure" may seem broad, but has a very specific connotation--essentially it's crap that you can't help but enjoy. Wonderful, marvelous crap.
Women are supposed to enjoy The Bachelor, the E! Network and Bravo, and Nicholas Sparks; men, Fast and Furious, Die Hard, Ice Road Truckers, Rocky 24, Backroads Lava Shark Hunting--that kind of thing.
Boyfriends are required to drag girlfriends to watch stuff explode, girlfriends must neuter their boyfriends and make them watch relationships implode, then mend themselves back again.
2) My high school experience was RUINT, RUINT I SAY
So I was in high school from 2004-2008. Public high school, in the metropolis of Winchester, Kentucky.
Sure, there have been romantic movies and novels, love songs, booty call songs--since well before my time on this earth, however the permeation of The Notebook, which hit the big screens in 2004, destroyed 85% of the female minds at George Rogers Clark High School--the other 15% were more into Nightmare Before Christmas.
Every sleepover as a 14-year old soccer player goes the same way--baking, eating the baking, listening to some Missy Elliot and dancing to said Missy Elliot, playing never have I ever, and finally--watching a Nicholas Sparks movie OR a competitive dance film--Step Up, Save the Last Dance, Bring it On (cheerleading, dance, whatever,) You Got Served--you get the picture.
It was my personal hell, yet I consented to this nightmare. I did it to myself.
80s and 90s teens--you had Molly Ringwald, John Cusack, followed by My Best Friend's Wedding, Never Been Kissed, Freddy Prince Jr., Varsity Blues, Jerry Maguire--no crumping, no teenage cancer--good times were had by all. You even got Clueless, the ultimate girl power movie. OK, maybe not quite, but Cher didn't need NO MAN.
As far as males, high school feels like one blur of "did you watch 300 again last night? Me to brah." Before 2006, I have no idea what teenage boys watched.. I'm guessing they just stared at each other shirtless for hours on end.
3) Romance is white, young, and hot
If you scroll through this post, you will see many a movie poster. Not only do they look like their posters were cloned by a marketing zombie, someone much less badass than Don Draper, but the people on them look remarkably similar.
Basically, if you aren't young, white, straight, and hot--romance isn't for you and don't expect it to come your way. Hell, there hasn't even been an olive-skinned character in a Sparks movie, much less an actual minority.
When "researching" for this post, I discovered a little film called Nights of Rodanthe, a 2008 movie starring Richard Gere and Diane Lane; it was based on a book by Nicholas Sparks. Have you heard of it? Of course you haven't, no one has because the movie featured two OLDS. Olds, people without washboard abs, Peetas--we don't aspire to be you, we wouldn't even bother airbrushing your picture for a magazine cover because you're too hopeless to be on one.
And if anyone tries to reference the elderly Allie and Noah at the end of The Notebook, you will be punched. You saw their lifetime of hotness too.
4) Ryan Gosling destroyed man
He's perfect. I mean, look at him. Guys of any sexuality can never hope to be Ryan Gosling.
He can be silent, brooding, troubled, and badass a la Drive, Only God Forgives, Place Beyond the Pines (his favorite kind of character,) intelligent and still troubled worth saving as in Half Nelson and The Ides of March, quirky and troubled (so troubled!) in Lars and the Real Girl, a player turned family man in Crazy, Stupid Love, and finally--a hopeless romantic in Blue Valentine and The muh fuggin Notebook.
No man can live up. He is a meme, a robot, the flawless idealization of what a man should be.
5) Romance has taken a step past fairy tale
As a subcategory of basically every single one of these #s is #5--finding love shouldn't be adult, reasonable, well-thought out, or gradual; and having your first kid once the Mrs. has paid of her student loans and Mr. got that big promotion at the cracker factory--that's boring. No, love must be complicated, extreme in its highs and its lows, and absolutely passionate and irrational.
While men are supposed to fetishize sex (porn cough cough,) women are supposed to fetishize romance, imagine how perfect, yet simultaneously crazy and thrilling it can be.
If he didn't just get back from Afghanistan/Nazi Germany/fighting Injuns, get accused of raping you, travel to the future where sea otters rule the Earth, no one has a terminal illness, your parents and cousins and dogs aren't trying to keep you apart, no houses were burned down then it's not fabulous enough, romantic enough--it probably isn't even love.
The tagline for The Notebook says it all--"Behind every great romance, is a great story." But what if you met at your sister's wedding and went on a few movie dates and eventually had kids and great married? That story's not that great is it?
And if that jackoff doesn't build a house up from the ground with his bare hands because you lost your virginity to him on a hardwood floor--he doesn't love you enough. Sent your kids to college? Naw, that doesn't count for anything.
6) Writing letters is boring and sucks
Dear John, Atonement, P.S. I Love You, The Notebook--Nicholas Sparks wasn't responsible for all of you, but I blame him for this. I didn't like having a pen pal in the Philippines in 3rd grade, and I don't want to write a handwritten man a letter. It takes too long, my penmanship is terrible, my hand cramps up, stamps cost 50 cents now--just send a thoughtful emoji people.
I don't care if Hedwig himself is delivering that letter. I don't want it.
7) Generification of romance dramas
The movie posters above. Look familiar? Of course they do because as I said--they've been around your entire life and each one is remarkably similar. Each of the above films is based upon a book, none of which were written by Nicholas Sparks. Yet romantic, often historically set, letter-writing, Rachel McAdams-starring dramas are now considered to be a genre all their own, basically the genre of Nicholas Sparks. It all blends, there's actual blurred lines, few can tell you which February movie of the past decade has been based on a Nicholas Sparks' book, and which is simply a "copycat" (doesn't matter the publishing date, that author copied Nicholas!)
8) Rachel McAdams was destroyed
As I said previously, I believe that The Notebook defined my teenage years, and perhaps even my entire generation's movie viewing lens. But really, it's #2, the #1 movie? Why Mean Girls of course.
Each released in the spring and summer of 2004, each targeting female teens and young adults, yet both transcended gender, that's how powerful they were, and they share one star--Rachel McAdams.
Despite her Canadian-ness, McAdams is beloved by all. She's cute as a button, not controversial, talented, has a precious name, what's not to like?
Yet despite starring in two of the most popular and quoted films of my lifetime, she has never really broken out of her Sparks-ian typecast--an innocent, naïve young girl with a complicated love life. It was amnesia in The Vow, time-traveling in About Time and The Time Traveler's Wife, and whatever her problem was in The Notebook, Rachel McAdams has either been typecast or simply isn't one to push it too hard.
Yes, she's been in some good, interesting films--Midnight in Paris, Brian de Palma's Passion (ok, that movie sucked,) Sherlock Holmes, yet despite being seemingly talented and marketable, McAdams just hasn't quite had that it.
I blame Sparks. After Mean Girls, with the power of NBC, Tina Fey, Lorne Michaels, Amy Poehler, and every teenager that would grow into a pretentious movie snob 20-something (me...) she took her career not down the road less-travelled, but the rom-com (Morning Glory, The Hot Chick, Wedding Crashers) and rom-dram path.
I still believe in you Rachel. Just stop with the time traveling, pedophile, naked boyfriends ok?
9) Isn't cancer romantic?
No, it's obviously the worst.
A Walk to Remember and The Last Song made me cry SO MUCH, and I will never forgive you for it Sparks.
Flying back from London, jet-lagged and starving, I found myself sobbing against my headrest watching the inflight film--The Last Song; the two redheaded passengers beside me, who were fiancés in fact and not siblings, feared for their lives and those of the other passengers. Clearly, I was unstable.
Anyways, letters suck. Cancer obviously sucks, kinda don't dig ya making it seem kinda fetch Nicholas.
10) MILEY AND LIAM THOUGH
They found love in a hopeless place, on the set of The Last Song, yet Miley traded in her Hannah Montana wig for a boycut and some twerk juice, and it wasn't meant to be for Miley and the brother of Thor.
Yet have you listened to the lyrics of Adore You? She really loved him. *no I'm not crying, I got Burt's Beeswax in my eyes, go away.
11) Virginity, innocence--men take it from women
Fathers, watch your daughters.
The newest Sparksian, but not by Sparks, Sparks movie (Sparks Sparks Sparks) to be released tomorrow is Endless Love. It stars some kind of long haired bad boy and that beautiful blonde who tore my heart out with her bad acting in the Carrie remake.
Endless Love breakdown:
13) Channing Tatum was almost destroyed too
Dear John, the non-Sparks The Vow, the talented dancer and actor and gorgeous Channing Tatum came close to his dreams of an acting career outside the guilty pleasure action and romance "spheres" nearly dashed.
Yet he's toed the line, starring in the surprisingly good Magic Mike, 21 Jump Street, underrated Side Effects, and of course, starring as a sex slave in This Is the End--these movies have kept the hope for Tatum alive. For now.
14) He did not invent a genre
Dan Brown did not invent history mysteries, E.L. James didn't write the first erotica, and Stephanie Myer didn't pen the original supernatural romance--and neither did Sparks birth the romantic drama, in film nor in text.
Each of these authors did do one thing--they mainstreamed and trivialized these genres. I am such a hipster.
15) Mandy Moore starred in a rather successful movie
And we as a society let her. For shame.
16) Orange is the New Black girl?
Da fuh are you doing here? I forgot about this movie's existence. Sparks wrote that. Huh.
Where is That 70's Show girl and American Pie guy? Do they know you're seeing hulky Troy Bolton on the side?
Glad this movie didn't ruin your career Piper, Netflix would have sorely missed you.
17) Mental illness is cool
Like my problem with dramatized cancer, Sparks likes to make illnesses look dramatic, entertaining, and almost sexy.
PTSD, amnesia, Alzheimer's, dementia--conditions, diseases that you hope you or your loved one won't be afflicted with--Sparks, and Sparks-lite writers are allllll over that shiz.
PS: Forgot about Safe Haven. Dancing girl who wore black face (aka Julianne Hough) makes having a stalker, then meeting Josh Duhamel look amazzzzzeballs.
18) Kevin Costner starred in an $80,000 Sparks movie everyone forgot
Sparks' first film, released in 1999, Message in a Bottle, exists. And it's bad. Robin Wright, Paul Newman, Kevin Costner--still bad.
Glad Robin overcame this tragic film to star in House of Cards. I salute you Robin.
19) They make money
Mostly Valentine's Day films, mostly written by Sparks, mostly sad--these movies (mostly) make money. Lotso money.
The Last Song, Safe Haven, etc.--terrible story AND terrible acting. Still a huge profit. Studios love peddling their Sparks' wares, like the opiate of the masses.
20) Mr. Sparks is a Mr.
And wrote these books. So... HA.
If I were to add a #21, it would definitely be my rage in knowing that The Notebook is in fact not really a bad movie. But it doesn't make me loathe you less Notebook, sitting over there being smug.
I also blame Nicholas Sparks for Kristen Stewart and her awful. Just cuz.
Have a Happy Valentine's Day KSR, and don't forget to buy your Endless Love tickets for you and that special someone here!
@BrennanKSR
Hey girl.[/caption]
I could have entitled this post '20 Reasons Why Nicholas Sparks is Responsible for the Destruction of All Humankind,' but wanted to keep it concise. For once.
It's that time of year again, the glorious month where Sarah Ida Shaw jokes and Buzzfeedian "single cat lady life" and "what I'm doing instead of going on a date" blogposts reign supreme--it's almost Valentine's Day people. Whether you're single, married, dating, or somewhere in between ("talking" as the kids say these days probably) Valentine's Day polarizes the United States like only Barack Obama, plastic surgery, and The Big Bang Theory fans can--love it or loathe it, there is no in between.
Take this dichotomy one step further, to the fascist/communist spectrum of my poly sci days at Transy, two things so opposite that they're almost alike (it's a circle or something) and you have America's relationship to Nicholas Sparks.
It's pretty easy to guess what camp that I fall into--as a girl who writes for the pop culture offshoot of a sports site, I wouldn't say I'm a fan of Nicholas Sparks, neither his contributions to literature or film are particularly my taste--not enough folk music or Scorsese; but I'm going to take this next level s*** and say not only has Nicholas Sparks destroyed what was already the worst holiday of the year after President's Day, but he has been detrimental to American culture and pop culture. That's right, our post-Clinton era blues are not due to 9/11, outsourcing of American jobs, Netflix, or gay marriage or medical marijuana--Nicholas Sparks is responsible.
While I ordinarily am not a fan of the KSR's favorite son, the list, reducing my rambling to bullet points is my gift to you this Valentine's Day Eve. Soak up this moment my brothers and sisters.
It's the 10-year anniversary of the movie that started it all; it may not have been his first (was his third in fact,) but in 2004, Nicholas Sparks' 1996 novel--The Notebook, hit the theaters.
And it ruined EVERYTHING.
Here's 20 reasons why:
1) Defined the appropriate guilty pleasures for the sexes
Perhaps further defined.
A "guilty pleasure" may seem broad, but has a very specific connotation--essentially it's crap that you can't help but enjoy. Wonderful, marvelous crap.
Women are supposed to enjoy The Bachelor, the E! Network and Bravo, and Nicholas Sparks; men, Fast and Furious, Die Hard, Ice Road Truckers, Rocky 24, Backroads Lava Shark Hunting--that kind of thing.
Boyfriends are required to drag girlfriends to watch stuff explode, girlfriends must neuter their boyfriends and make them watch relationships implode, then mend themselves back again.
2) My high school experience was RUINT, RUINT I SAY
So I was in high school from 2004-2008. Public high school, in the metropolis of Winchester, Kentucky.
Sure, there have been romantic movies and novels, love songs, booty call songs--since well before my time on this earth, however the permeation of The Notebook, which hit the big screens in 2004, destroyed 85% of the female minds at George Rogers Clark High School--the other 15% were more into Nightmare Before Christmas.
Every sleepover as a 14-year old soccer player goes the same way--baking, eating the baking, listening to some Missy Elliot and dancing to said Missy Elliot, playing never have I ever, and finally--watching a Nicholas Sparks movie OR a competitive dance film--Step Up, Save the Last Dance, Bring it On (cheerleading, dance, whatever,) You Got Served--you get the picture.
It was my personal hell, yet I consented to this nightmare. I did it to myself.
80s and 90s teens--you had Molly Ringwald, John Cusack, followed by My Best Friend's Wedding, Never Been Kissed, Freddy Prince Jr., Varsity Blues, Jerry Maguire--no crumping, no teenage cancer--good times were had by all. You even got Clueless, the ultimate girl power movie. OK, maybe not quite, but Cher didn't need NO MAN.
As far as males, high school feels like one blur of "did you watch 300 again last night? Me to brah." Before 2006, I have no idea what teenage boys watched.. I'm guessing they just stared at each other shirtless for hours on end.
3) Romance is white, young, and hot
If you scroll through this post, you will see many a movie poster. Not only do they look like their posters were cloned by a marketing zombie, someone much less badass than Don Draper, but the people on them look remarkably similar.
Basically, if you aren't young, white, straight, and hot--romance isn't for you and don't expect it to come your way. Hell, there hasn't even been an olive-skinned character in a Sparks movie, much less an actual minority.
When "researching" for this post, I discovered a little film called Nights of Rodanthe, a 2008 movie starring Richard Gere and Diane Lane; it was based on a book by Nicholas Sparks. Have you heard of it? Of course you haven't, no one has because the movie featured two OLDS. Olds, people without washboard abs, Peetas--we don't aspire to be you, we wouldn't even bother airbrushing your picture for a magazine cover because you're too hopeless to be on one.
And if anyone tries to reference the elderly Allie and Noah at the end of The Notebook, you will be punched. You saw their lifetime of hotness too.
4) Ryan Gosling destroyed man
He's perfect. I mean, look at him. Guys of any sexuality can never hope to be Ryan Gosling.
He can be silent, brooding, troubled, and badass a la Drive, Only God Forgives, Place Beyond the Pines (his favorite kind of character,) intelligent and still troubled worth saving as in Half Nelson and The Ides of March, quirky and troubled (so troubled!) in Lars and the Real Girl, a player turned family man in Crazy, Stupid Love, and finally--a hopeless romantic in Blue Valentine and The muh fuggin Notebook.
No man can live up. He is a meme, a robot, the flawless idealization of what a man should be.
5) Romance has taken a step past fairy tale
As a subcategory of basically every single one of these #s is #5--finding love shouldn't be adult, reasonable, well-thought out, or gradual; and having your first kid once the Mrs. has paid of her student loans and Mr. got that big promotion at the cracker factory--that's boring. No, love must be complicated, extreme in its highs and its lows, and absolutely passionate and irrational.
While men are supposed to fetishize sex (porn cough cough,) women are supposed to fetishize romance, imagine how perfect, yet simultaneously crazy and thrilling it can be.
If he didn't just get back from Afghanistan/Nazi Germany/fighting Injuns, get accused of raping you, travel to the future where sea otters rule the Earth, no one has a terminal illness, your parents and cousins and dogs aren't trying to keep you apart, no houses were burned down then it's not fabulous enough, romantic enough--it probably isn't even love.
The tagline for The Notebook says it all--"Behind every great romance, is a great story." But what if you met at your sister's wedding and went on a few movie dates and eventually had kids and great married? That story's not that great is it?
And if that jackoff doesn't build a house up from the ground with his bare hands because you lost your virginity to him on a hardwood floor--he doesn't love you enough. Sent your kids to college? Naw, that doesn't count for anything.
6) Writing letters is boring and sucks
Dear John, Atonement, P.S. I Love You, The Notebook--Nicholas Sparks wasn't responsible for all of you, but I blame him for this. I didn't like having a pen pal in the Philippines in 3rd grade, and I don't want to write a handwritten man a letter. It takes too long, my penmanship is terrible, my hand cramps up, stamps cost 50 cents now--just send a thoughtful emoji people.
I don't care if Hedwig himself is delivering that letter. I don't want it.
7) Generification of romance dramas
The movie posters above. Look familiar? Of course they do because as I said--they've been around your entire life and each one is remarkably similar. Each of the above films is based upon a book, none of which were written by Nicholas Sparks. Yet romantic, often historically set, letter-writing, Rachel McAdams-starring dramas are now considered to be a genre all their own, basically the genre of Nicholas Sparks. It all blends, there's actual blurred lines, few can tell you which February movie of the past decade has been based on a Nicholas Sparks' book, and which is simply a "copycat" (doesn't matter the publishing date, that author copied Nicholas!)
8) Rachel McAdams was destroyed
As I said previously, I believe that The Notebook defined my teenage years, and perhaps even my entire generation's movie viewing lens. But really, it's #2, the #1 movie? Why Mean Girls of course.
Each released in the spring and summer of 2004, each targeting female teens and young adults, yet both transcended gender, that's how powerful they were, and they share one star--Rachel McAdams.
Despite her Canadian-ness, McAdams is beloved by all. She's cute as a button, not controversial, talented, has a precious name, what's not to like?
Yet despite starring in two of the most popular and quoted films of my lifetime, she has never really broken out of her Sparks-ian typecast--an innocent, naïve young girl with a complicated love life. It was amnesia in The Vow, time-traveling in About Time and The Time Traveler's Wife, and whatever her problem was in The Notebook, Rachel McAdams has either been typecast or simply isn't one to push it too hard.
Yes, she's been in some good, interesting films--Midnight in Paris, Brian de Palma's Passion (ok, that movie sucked,) Sherlock Holmes, yet despite being seemingly talented and marketable, McAdams just hasn't quite had that it.
I blame Sparks. After Mean Girls, with the power of NBC, Tina Fey, Lorne Michaels, Amy Poehler, and every teenager that would grow into a pretentious movie snob 20-something (me...) she took her career not down the road less-travelled, but the rom-com (Morning Glory, The Hot Chick, Wedding Crashers) and rom-dram path.
I still believe in you Rachel. Just stop with the time traveling, pedophile, naked boyfriends ok?
9) Isn't cancer romantic?
No, it's obviously the worst.
A Walk to Remember and The Last Song made me cry SO MUCH, and I will never forgive you for it Sparks.
Flying back from London, jet-lagged and starving, I found myself sobbing against my headrest watching the inflight film--The Last Song; the two redheaded passengers beside me, who were fiancés in fact and not siblings, feared for their lives and those of the other passengers. Clearly, I was unstable.
Anyways, letters suck. Cancer obviously sucks, kinda don't dig ya making it seem kinda fetch Nicholas.
10) MILEY AND LIAM THOUGH
They found love in a hopeless place, on the set of The Last Song, yet Miley traded in her Hannah Montana wig for a boycut and some twerk juice, and it wasn't meant to be for Miley and the brother of Thor.
Yet have you listened to the lyrics of Adore You? She really loved him. *no I'm not crying, I got Burt's Beeswax in my eyes, go away.
11) Virginity, innocence--men take it from women
Fathers, watch your daughters.
The newest Sparksian, but not by Sparks, Sparks movie (Sparks Sparks Sparks) to be released tomorrow is Endless Love. It stars some kind of long haired bad boy and that beautiful blonde who tore my heart out with her bad acting in the Carrie remake.
Endless Love breakdown:
Girl with uptight father and proper family meets boy. Boy wants to bang girl. Then boy wants to love girl. Girl wants to give her heart and her body away. She does in the back of a truck. Dad beats up boy. Chaos ensues.Most every film mentioned in this post involves some sort of young, virginal, girl being "taken" by another man. It maintains the concept of "virginity," giving it meaning when it is in fact a socially constructed and subjective thing--it is not concrete. Promulgating this tradition and giving further life to it--there you have Nicholas Sparks. Waiting until marriage to have sex? Only women should and even could possibly do that! Yet who are all of these non-virgin guys having sex with.... Scarecrows I bet. Oh, and Endless Love looks to be endlessly bad (yes, other people have said that, but I can too!!!) You're better off seeing that Kevin Hart movie folks. Or The Lego Movie. See The Lego Movie. 12) Divorces and marriage Nicholas Sparks published his first novel in 1996. Think about the marriage and divorce rates since 1996--it's high. His fault for sure.
13) Channing Tatum was almost destroyed too
Dear John, the non-Sparks The Vow, the talented dancer and actor and gorgeous Channing Tatum came close to his dreams of an acting career outside the guilty pleasure action and romance "spheres" nearly dashed.
Yet he's toed the line, starring in the surprisingly good Magic Mike, 21 Jump Street, underrated Side Effects, and of course, starring as a sex slave in This Is the End--these movies have kept the hope for Tatum alive. For now.
14) He did not invent a genre
Dan Brown did not invent history mysteries, E.L. James didn't write the first erotica, and Stephanie Myer didn't pen the original supernatural romance--and neither did Sparks birth the romantic drama, in film nor in text.
Each of these authors did do one thing--they mainstreamed and trivialized these genres. I am such a hipster.
15) Mandy Moore starred in a rather successful movie
And we as a society let her. For shame.
16) Orange is the New Black girl?
Da fuh are you doing here? I forgot about this movie's existence. Sparks wrote that. Huh.
Where is That 70's Show girl and American Pie guy? Do they know you're seeing hulky Troy Bolton on the side?
Glad this movie didn't ruin your career Piper, Netflix would have sorely missed you.
17) Mental illness is cool
Like my problem with dramatized cancer, Sparks likes to make illnesses look dramatic, entertaining, and almost sexy.
PTSD, amnesia, Alzheimer's, dementia--conditions, diseases that you hope you or your loved one won't be afflicted with--Sparks, and Sparks-lite writers are allllll over that shiz.
PS: Forgot about Safe Haven. Dancing girl who wore black face (aka Julianne Hough) makes having a stalker, then meeting Josh Duhamel look amazzzzzeballs.
18) Kevin Costner starred in an $80,000 Sparks movie everyone forgot
Sparks' first film, released in 1999, Message in a Bottle, exists. And it's bad. Robin Wright, Paul Newman, Kevin Costner--still bad.
Glad Robin overcame this tragic film to star in House of Cards. I salute you Robin.
19) They make money
Mostly Valentine's Day films, mostly written by Sparks, mostly sad--these movies (mostly) make money. Lotso money.
The Last Song, Safe Haven, etc.--terrible story AND terrible acting. Still a huge profit. Studios love peddling their Sparks' wares, like the opiate of the masses.
20) Mr. Sparks is a Mr.
And wrote these books. So... HA.
If I were to add a #21, it would definitely be my rage in knowing that The Notebook is in fact not really a bad movie. But it doesn't make me loathe you less Notebook, sitting over there being smug.
I also blame Nicholas Sparks for Kristen Stewart and her awful. Just cuz.
Have a Happy Valentine's Day KSR, and don't forget to buy your Endless Love tickets for you and that special someone here!
@BrennanKSR
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