A Funky Friday Game-by-Game Guide to the NCAA Tournament

Guys, we’re just moments away. I have the feeling of anticipation and anxiety, like I’m front row on a roller coaster, about to fly through a rickety wooden mountain of sheer adrenaline. It’s the NCAA Tournament folks. I’m going to give you 16 semi-serious (mostly silly) reasons to watch each and every one of the games today. Let’s go!

(7) Florida vs. (10) Virginia Tech | 12:15 p.m.

The coaching matchup is what has me fired up. It’s a Mike-off! Florida is coached by Mike White, who is white, and Va. Tech’s head man is Mike Young, who is not too young at 57 years old.

It’s also worth asking: does Florida have any Jehovah’s Witnesses on its team? I say this because a few days ago, Coach Young made the remark that “we’re not playing the Jehovah’s Witness All-Star team here.” An insensitive comment.

Got me thinking though…what would a Jehovah’s Witness All-Star team look like? According to some information I can’t necessarily verify, a Jehovah’s starting five would include former Pacers Darren Collinson and Danny Granger, the second pick in the 1975 draft, UCLA forward Dave Meyers, and we’ll throw in the Williams sisters (Venus and Serena) for good measure. I’m gonna say that’s an even scarier team than Florida, Mike.

(3) Arkansas vs. (14) Colgate | 12:45 p.m.

All aboard the Muss Buss? Not so fast. The Colgate Raiders (presented by Colgate toothpaste?) lead the country in scoring at over 86 points a game, are third in three-point percentage and shoot 22 of them per game. They beat four of the five teams they played by 40 points (that’s right, they’ve played just FIVE opponents in total over their 15 games) and finished eighth in the NET despite receiving a 14-seed. And they’re the only team in the country with five wins over the same team. Poor Boston University.

Is Toothpaste-U a reincarnation of the 2017 Golden State Warriors? Absolutely. Got ’em in my Final Four.

(1) Illinois vs. (16) Drexel | 1:15 p.m.

It’s the most hyped-up Illinois basketball team since the 2005 club with Luther Head and Deron Williams that was as statistically dominant as any team in the past 20 years. This time around, the Illini are lead by two spectacular players with even more electrifying names: Ayo Dosunmo and prime-Shaq clone Kofi Cockburn (pronounced CO-BURN, kids). Lest we forget their other awesome guard, Andre Curbelo, who’s been nicknamed Lonzo Small. Check them out.

(6) Texas Tech vs. (11) Utah State | 1:45 p.m.

Utah State is the NCAA Tournament’s representation of the U.N. Their seven-foot college version of Joel Embiid, Neemias Queta, is from Portugal. They have bench players from Australia, Russia, two from Poland, and a kid from Ukraine who attended the Basketball School of Excellence in Madrid, Spain.

Also have to mention Brock Miller, a 6-6 guard who developed Alopecia Totali, a disease that causes total hair loss. He’s a bald three-point sniper in a headband. Certified badass. He also spent two years in Brazil on a mission for the Church of the Latter-Day Saints and learned Portuguese along the way, which Miller has since used to help Neemias Queta build chemistry with him and the rest of the team.

I’ll be rooting for these guys to give Texas Tech a lesson in the School of Basketball Excellence.

(2) Ohio State vs. (15) Oral Roberts | 3:00 p.m.

There’s nothing more American than a college named after an old influential white dude. Oral Roberts, a televangelist that lived for 91 years and had a college named after him 46 years BEFORE he died has to be pretty important, right? Well, he’s considered the godfather of the Charismatic Movement–whatever that is–and was the premier American televangelist of the early 20th century.

He passed away in 2009, but he’ll be blessing the Golden Eagles as they take on Ohio State. They have the nation’s leading scorer in Max Abmas, and another big-time scorer in Kevin Obonar. They’ll be the two best scorers on the court vs. OSU. As always, anything could happen.

(1) Baylor vs. (16) Hartford | 3:30 p.m.

Baylor is the least-talked-about one-seed, yet my personal favorite. Mark Vital is my college-basketball-playing spirit animal. A 6-foot-4 forward that plays center and guards point guards on occasion–the best defender in the country for my money. If not, he might be second to Little Donovan Mitchell. Baylor’s point guard, Davion Mitchell, looks and plays every bit like the explosive former Louisville guard, and wears the same strange number: 45.

Baylor also has a Mo Bamba doppelganger…who’s named Flo Thamba and is their only true center. I’ve saved my personal favorite for last: White KD! Matthew Mayer is a 6-foot-9 forward that looks like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo and plays like Kevin Durant. Check out this dude’s game:

(8) Loyola Chicago vs. (9) Georgia Tech | 4 p.m.

Loyola famously went to the Final Four, powered by then-98-year-old team chaplain Sister Jean’s divine presence. Loyola is back, Sister Jean is back and she’s cracked the century mark at 101 and is just 20 months younger than fellow religious icon Oral Roberts. Unlike Oral, Sister Jean is alive and kicking and will be in Hinkle Fieldhouse as the Ramblers take on the fighting Josh Pastner’s.

ACC Player of the Year Moses Wright is out for Tech and that opens up the paint for the funniest-looking star in college basketball. Give it up for the mustached caveman with a receding hairline, Cameron Krutwig. He’s a polar bear of a paint presence, he can’t jump over yesterday’s copy of the New York Times, but he can absolutely work defenders in the post. Not to mention he anchors the nation’s No. 1 defense. Is the Sister Jean magic back? Hope so.

(5) Tennessee vs. (12) Oregon State | 4:30 p.m.

Oregon State did every Kentucky fan a favor by unexpectedly winning the Pac-12 Tournament to steal Louisville’s Tournament bid. That win in the 11th hour may have gotten Bill Murray’s son, Luke, and coaching legend Dino Gaudio fired as Chris Mack let both of the assistants go on Thursday in wake of missing the tourney.

Oregon State coach Wayne Tinkle went 10-10 in the Pac-12 and hasn’t made the tournament since the year before his son, Tres Tinkle, arrived at OSU. Unlucky for Tres, his dad missed the Tournament all four years he was there (his son was 3x All-Pac-12) but has now made it the year after and the year before his son attended the school. Beavers, do some more good for Kentucky fans and smack Tennessee.

(4) Oklahoma State vs. (13) Liberty | 6:25 p.m.

Oklahoma State has the most electrifying freshman in college basketball this season in Cade Cunningham, but I’ll be pulling for the Liberty Flames.

Senior Liberty wing Elijah Cuffee lost his older brother last summer. Jason Cuffee was a former college basketball player himself and was serving as a firefighter when he passed away due to an unexpected medical episode while at the station. In a really touching video made by Liberty (that I’ll put below) that discusses his brother’s death, Elijah and head coach Ritchie McKay talk about the support from Cuffee’s teammates and how they have helped him through such a difficult time.

Cuffee said, “As soon as they heard the news, the way they responded felt like as if they were part of the family.”

His coach added, “I marvel at those young men. I learn from them every day.”

Get the tissues out.

I’ll be screaming for Elijah Cuffee and the Flames to pull off the upset.

(8) North Carolina vs. (9) Wisconsin | 7:10 p.m.

What does this pair of mediocre power conference teams have in common? They both obliterated the Louisville Cardinals. Wisconsin did so by 37 in December and North Carolina beat the Cards by 45 just a month ago. Each team easily had their best performance of the season against Louisville. If we see that version of either team, we could be in for a deep run out of the 8/9 spot in this region. Not a fan of either program but the insistence by the national media that Wisconsin has been good all year really irks me. Go Heels (puke emoji).

(2) Houston vs. (15) Cleveland State | 7:15 p.m.

Jon Rothstein refers to Houston coach Kelvin Sampson as “The Houston Redemption.”

Kelvin Sampson. The Houston Redemption.

— Jon Rothstein (@JonRothstein) March 13, 2021

I’ll be pulling for Sampson and his Cougars to cut down the nets. Why? Because what would be funnier than one of Indiana’s failed Bobby Knight replacements winning the National Title in the state of Indiana 12 years after being fired? Especially one they fired for NCAA violations. Imagine 90-year-old Rick Pitino coaching Iona to a title in the KFC Yum! Center (because he’s retiring there, you know). Go Cougars!

(4) Purdue vs. (13) North Texas | 7:25 p.m.

This statement may come as a surprise, but Purdue Basketball is always entertaining, especially in March. Last time we saw the Boilermakers in action, sub-six-foot guard Carsen Edwards put on one of the greatest shooting performances in the history of the tournament and nearly willed Purdue to a Final Four.

This year, there’s no Edwards-type, but their three leading scorers make up quite an interesting trio. As Ryan Lemond would say, they have a “big butt” center, Trevion Williams, who leads them in scoring and is a Calipari dream: a leisurely back-to-the-basket big with a doctorate in the jump hook.

Once upon a time it was 7-foot-2 German monster Isaac Haas, then the torch was passed to 7-foot-3 Dutch big Matt Haarms. Now, with Haarms at BYU, Purdue brought in another center an inch taller with a different nationality. 7-foot-4 Candadien Zach Edey is second on the team in total points as just a freshman.

Purdue’s third-leading scorer is their outside sniper, Sasha Stefanovic. He can drill threes and run a Big Ten offense but he’d get picked last in any pickup game at the local Y. Just look him up, he’s fun, and so is Purdue.

(7) Clemson vs. (10) Rutgers | 9:20 p.m.

Look, this game will be terrible I’m almost certain and the winner will score roughly 35 points. Clemson is unwatchably boring. Whenever you think “modern basketball” is evolving and speeding up a bit too much, just turn on a Clemson game and be transported back to the 1950s.

Their foe, Rutgers, is in the NCAA Tournament for the first time since 1991 and are the Daddy All-Stars. They’re lead by Ron Harper Jr. You’ll never guess who his father is. And their point guard is Jacob Young, the son of former Houston Cougar Michael Young, the guy who led Houston in scoring during the back-to-back years they lost in the championship game with Hakeem Olajuwon. “Pops you could PLAY,” says his son. The Scarlett Knights aren’t Phi Slamma Jamma, but I desperately hope they defeat Clemson.

(6) San Diego State vs. (11) Syracuse | 9:40 p.m.

Ever heard of Buddy Boeheim? Well, Jim Boeheim is my grandparents’ age but has a son that’s the same year as me in college; and he named him Buddy, a title typically reserved for canine pals. Looking at Buddy and knowing he’s the coach’s son, you’d think he’s basically a Brad Calipari.

But no, Buddy is freaking good. The coach’s son situations so rarely work out where the kid is actually a good player on a good team, but Buddy is legit. He leads the Orange in scoring at 17 points-per-game and shoots the lights out from three. Buddy Boeheim leading a low-seeded Syracuse team on another deep run would be quite the story.

(3) West Virginia vs. (14) Morehead State | 9:50 p.m.

How a team that lost by 36 to this year’s Kentucky team made the tournament is a cosmic mystery. Alas, Preston Spradlin and Morehead State rallied after the UK loss to go on and win their conference tournament, beating mid-major powerhouse Belmont in the title game.

I’m sure you’ve heard this already, but remarkably enough, Morehead is the only school from the state of Kentucky in the NCAA Tournament. Bananas. They’ll be dueling the Mountaineers in an Appalachian rivalry.

My allegiance is with the pride of Rowan County.

(5) Villanova vs. (12) Winthrop | 9:57 p.m.

Winthrop is THE Cinderella mid-major this year. Book it. They’re lead by a 6-foot-7 point guard named Chandler Vaudrin, whose name is as zany as his style of play. He’s a trodding, methodical passing wizard who relies on trickery to score due to his lack of athleticism. He’s also one of those rare kids that began in D2 and transferred up–and he transferred up to be a star, not a deep rotation piece.

Their second-leading scorer, DJ Burns, started out his career at Tennessee and was the only player in the country who weighed more than Zion Williamson in 2018, but since has transferred to Winthrop and dropped over 40 pounds. He’s a skilled ballerina in the post, and for some reason, he rebounds like he’s 6-foot-2 instead of 6-9, 260 pounds.

Their third-leading scorer is named Adonis Arms, and he has some powerful arms. That’s the best name in college basketball right there. With the triple-headed monster of Vaudrin, Burns and Arms, WINthrop is going to whip up on a Villanova team that lost its point guard and best player to an ACL tear.

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Hope you all had as much fun with this as I did. Now, let’s watch some hoops!