A Track-by-Track Review of Katy Perry’s New Album, PRISM, Based Solely on the 90-Second Song Previews on iTunes

There’s no denying that Katy Perry is one of the biggest names currently dominating the pop music landscape. Her last album, 2010’s Teenage Dream, sold millions of copies and spawned an unheard of eight singles, five of which hit the top spot on Billboard’s Hot 100. Shortly after the release of Teenage Dream, Perry married Russell Brand, the British comedian, self-professed former sex addict, and budding revolutionary who bears an uncanny resemblance to a human-sized clump of hair pulled from a shower drain. To the utter shock of absolutely no one any where, the relationship — which began, as so many life-long romances do, at the MTV Video Music Awards — came to a screeching halt after just 14 months (the couple officially divorced in 2012).

For a while there, Katy Perry had the sads.

But like an extremely successful, beautiful, wealthy, busty phoenix rising from the horrifically devastating ashes of a blink-and-you-missed-it marriage, Katy Perry is back! This week, she released her latest album, the written-in-all-caps license to print money, PRISM.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should let you know up front that I like Katy Perry. I have a handful of KP’s music in my iTunes library, even though as a slightly schlubby, suburban dad in my mid-30s, I’m not part of her target demographic. I admittedly listen to more pop music than is probably normal for a person of my age and station in life, so I decided to give her new record a spin. I did so, however, in the cheapest and laziest way possible: by spending $0 and less than 30 minutes listening to all the free 90-second preview clips provided by the iTunes store.

So, without further ado, here is my track-by-track review of Katy Perry’s PRISM.

Roar: The lead single from PRISM is a big, loud, catchy empowerment anthem that is jam-packed with self-actualizing pep talk clichés like “dancing through the fire,” having “the eye of the tiger,” and going from “zero to my own hero.” Basically this is the mental script you use to pump yourself up after some jerk cuts you off in traffic and, an hour and a half later, you’re still having an imaginary confrontation with him in your head.  The number of hackneyed phrases in the song is actually quite impressive. It’s almost as if Katy sat down for the express purpose of writing a song that would be played in football stadiums during timeouts, featured in the closing montage of the NBA playoffs, or serve as the backing track for an Under Armour commercial. Imagine that.

Legendary Lovers: This is what passes as a power ballad in today’s “it can be sappy, but the youngs still have to be able to dance to it” culture of popular music. Although the song is propelled by a nice beat, I couldn’t shake the feeling that either a) this track was originally written for Lana Del Rey and she passed on it, or b) whoever wrote this song (maybe Katy herself?) was listening to a lot of Lana Del Rey when they sat down to put pen to paper. Check out Del Rey’s song “Young and Beautiful” from the recent Great Gatsby soundtrack and tell me you don’t hear some strong similarities to this song’s chorus.

Birthday: Remember KP’s song “Teenage Dream?” Well, apparently so does Katy because this is basically a not-quite-as-good-as-the-original remake of that song. This song will chart and many a young woman will use this as the soundtrack for a “crazy night on the town” to celebrate turning a year older. Which means you’ll probably hate this song by this time next year.

Walking on Air: This is one of two songs Katy performed during her recent SNL appearance (the other being “Roar”), and it most certainly will be released as a single at some point. But, in all honesty, it sounds like it could have been recorded by any number of dance acts from the 1990s. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if this song originally appeared on one of the Club MTV Party To Go compilation albums. Also, in the 90-seconds of this song to which I listened, Katy Perry repeated the phrase “walking on air” about 400 times. So once this hits heavy rotation on that one radio station you still occasionally listen to in your car while you’re driving to work, be prepared to find yourself mindlessly singing the chorus all day while you walk on the drab grey carpet of your office.

Unconditionally: The second official single off the album, this is another soaring power ballad in the vein of Perry’s previous hit “Fireworks,” in so much as it goes from quiet, breathy, faux-emotional singing to blow-your-lungs-out screaming when the chorus rolls around. It’s perfectly fine, although it feels like well-worn territory for the former Mrs. Brand.

Dark Horse (featuring Juicy J): Not to be crass, but this is the album’s sex song. You know what I’m talking about. Every pop album ever made has featured at least one sex song. This is the track your teenage brother is going to put on his “Turn the Lights Down” mix — right after Ginuwine’s “Pony,” right before Usher’s “Love in This Club,” — that he will inevitably pull out far too early in his budding relationship with his latest crush, effectively ruining the miniscule chance he had of getting past second base.

This Is How We Do: This catchy little piece of sing-songy pop puffery is classic Katy Perry and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the next single released from the album, upon which time it will immediately land near the top of the charts. Musically, it harkens back to Katy’s more happy-fun-times jams like “California Girls.” The best part of the track is the string of mid-song dedications, one to “the ladies, at breakfast, in last night’s dress” (I’ll bet Taylor Swift is so jealous she didn’t think of that line first, you guys!), one to “all those kids that still have their cars at the club valet, and it’s Tuesday,” and the other to “all those kids out there buying bottle service with your rent money.” But, if I’m being honest, I’m not sure how impressive or responsible either of those last two items are when you really think about it. I mean, if you left your car at the club valet all weekend, how did you get to work on Monday? And what are you going to tell your mom and dad when you can’t pay your rent this month because you bought a $400 bottle of Grey Goose for you and your dumb friends? Make better choices, y’all.

Let me pause here for a moment to say I already regret presenting this as a track-by-track review. I’m not going to pretend this is the worst music I’ve ever heard, because it’s not, but come on. I’m like, seven tracks in and there are still soooo many left to listen to. There are…let me check. There are SIXTEEN TRACKS on this album! WHAT?! Who even does that? Does the physical copy of this album come in a multi-disc box set? Is this a career retrospective? Wait, that doesn’t even make any sense. She only has, like, four albums. Why are there so many songs?! Note to Katy Perry: You aren’t posting free-verse poems on your Tumblr. You’re putting out a pop album. Ten songs will do the job. Eleven tops. Learn to edit yourself, guuuuurrrrrllll!

Ahem. Ok. On to the next song.

International Smile: Ok, not to be a hater, but you know what this song sounds a lot like? A Katy Perry song. If you told me I’d already listened to this song earlier on this very album, I probably wouldn’t call you a liar. It’s not a “bad” song; it’s just so…familiar.

Ghost: I think this song is about a dead boyfriend? Or maybe a boyfriend who broke up with the song’s narrator, and whom she now considers to be dead? I don’t know. It’s hard to untangle all the subtext when you’re only listening to 90-seconds of the song. That said, this song is totally about Russell Brand.

Love Me: Hey, what do you know? It’s another slightly downbeat song that gets a little louder and moves a little faster around the chorus. It’s all about how Katy is going to get over her insecurities so she can love herself the way she wants her boyfriend to love her. Which is a pretty good message, I guess? But, like, couldn’t the same message be delivered in a club banger with a guest verse from Drake, just to change things up a bit?

This Moment: Oh, sorry, guys. I must have listened to the last track twice on accident. What? No? This song just sounds EXACTLY like the last song? Oh. OK. Cool. Great song(s), Katy!

Double Rainbow: I’m not joking. This song could easily be a continuation of the last two songs. Same basic beat. Same basic themes. Nothing about these songs is distinct or original. Don’t believe me? Go to iTunes right now and listen to the previews of “Love Me,” “This Moment,” and “Double Rainbow” back-to-back-to-back. Seriously. Go. I’ll wait.

SEE?! I thought this might be a three-years-too-late dis track about that Double Rainbow meme dude, but, nope. Just another kinda-slow-and-quiet-then-fast-and-loud song about love or unrequited love or love lost. Good grief. Russell Brand really did a number on poor Katy. If this is the kind of album we get after she goes through a divorce, let’s hope she just remains happily single for a long, long time so we can leave emo-Katy in the rear view.

By the Grace of God: Another. Sappy. Slow. Song. I don’t even know what’s going on at this point. Maybe this is Katy’s attempt to crack into the lucrative “best song to play at a funeral” market that is currently dominated by “Wind Beneath My Wings?” Your guess is as good as mine.

Spiritual: At first blush this song seems to be about religion, with lots of mentions of angels, heaven, floating, and eye-opening experiences. But upon closer inspection, it’s actually about how awesome Katy Perry feels during sexy time. Good for her. I’m all for it. I’m sure it wouldn’t have improved the song at all to sing it over a sick beat by Timbaland or Pharrell or whoever the hottest producers are today. Nah, I’m sure presenting it as a slow, ethereal ballad was the right call.

It Takes Two: Sadly, this isn’t a cover of the seminal 90s rap hit of the same name by Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock. Instead, it’s yet another power ballad with a “time to yell” chorus. At this point, you could try to build a case to convince me that Katy Perry isn’t working from some sort of color-by-numbers songwriting template, but you would lose that argument. The evidence is stacked against you, counselor. Overruled. YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Choose Your Battles: HAHAHAHA! OK, either I’m losing my mind or this is the most vicious practical joke ever perpetrated against a man trying to listen to snippets of an album on iTunes. Outside of a handful of the first few tracks, every song on this album sounds exactly the same. There is no way this is what the actual 16-track (16! SIXTEEN! One Six!) album sounds like. Someone at Apple obviously is messing with me. He or she didn’t like the fact that I was attempting to listen to this entire album, 90 seconds at a time, without paying for it, so they swapped out the last nine songs with minute-and-a-half cuts of one long, sappy, depressing song. I’m sorry, Apple! You win. I’ll never try to preview a full album on your precious site again. Well played, Ghost of Steve Jobs!

 

Overall Rating: 1 out of 5 Sad Russell Brands:

 

Alternate Overall Rating (If You Really Like the One Song that Comprises Tracks 8 -16): 5 out of 5 Sad Russell Brands:

You’ll Love This Album If You Are:

–        A person who likes to put an album on shuffle/repeat endlessly for three days and enjoys when all of the songs sound like slightly poppier versions of every track from Enya’s 1988 album, Watermark.

You Won’t Like This Album If You Are:

–        Perfectly content with your sanity.

–        Russell Brand.

 

@TheSEShepherd