Confessions From the Undergrad

Preseason rankings are about as meaningful as the vows at Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson’s wedding. So the fact that UK sits at #65 in SI’s college football poll is moot…after all, #65 is substantially better than where we’ve been in years past. Even more futile is Andy “no I’ve never played basketball but it sure looks like fun” Katz’s preseason top 25, which is Wildcat-less for the first time since I can remember. But hey, at least ESPN finally decided that Joe Lunardi, Ph.D. should stop offering Bracketology 101 as a summer course and gave his job to the more qualified Nina, the Congolese Chimpanzee. Florida, for instance, was absent in most preseason polls a year ago, and things worked out ok for them: their altruistic players, and their now poverty-stricken coach. However, some ratings earn my merit. Such is the case with The Princeton Review’s annual campus polls, which rank the top 20 colleges and universities in categories ranging from “most stoned campus” to “most difficult admissions.” I think back to the days of seventeen-- a strapping, cocksure but at the same time vulnerable, young man–facing the tough decision of where I wanted to exhibit my genius for the next four years (which has since turned into five and counting) and enlisting the aid of The Princeton Review. It was detailed, informative, and meatier than Beano Cook’s neck, and it held the answers to my principal questions, like, “guy to girl ratio” and “most beer fueled parties.” So I was a little perturbed when The Review released their 2007 rankings today, and they too were not too keen on UK. Kentucky ranked #4 in “TA’s teach too many upper level classes” and #20 in “most inaccessible professors.” Hmm. Seems as if the unproven TA’s are having to steer the ship while some professors are occupied with their ‘Farr Tubby’ websites. But if it’s guys like the one above in the picture who do the research then maybe it’s better that UK is absent from most lists. Anyway, here’s a few interesting findings: “Top Party Schools” 1.Univ. Texas-Austin–of course. What poll are they not atop? 5.Ole Miss 8. LSU 11. Florida 12. UGA 16. Tennessee Is there anything that the SEC doesn’t straight dominate? “Stone Cold Sober” 1. BYU–Shocker. 14. Berea–Huh. So the artwork and the blown glass that pours out of this tiny campus only looks drug-inspired. “Worst Town-Gown relations” 4. Duke–Did something happen recently on the Durham campus that caused community outcry? Or have I just been living under a rock? “Biggest Jock Schools” 1. Florida–What? How could they overlook Adams College and those crazy Alpha Betas? “Most Greek Dominated” 15. Transylvania–Congrats to all whose debaucheries helped pave the way for this milestone. But seriously, those girls are broke. Except the ones you all loved, of course. *Tom Gray, consider this an early Christmas present.