Every Hallmark Christmas Movie Profession Ranked --From Best to Worst
Even though it’s October, it’s not too soon to start planning your Hallmark Christmas movie lineup. Last Friday, the king of holiday movies unveiled thirty-three new Christmas titles. I would be lying if I said I didn’t immediately comb through the gallery of movies while silently judging their premises. In an attempt to make this idle time more productive, I’ve ranked the given professions of the female main characters. Occupations were judged on their desirability, profitability and charm. While I maintain that all Hallmark Christmas Movie proposals come from mad libs, the quirky careers will provide all the whimsy needed for a predictable meet cute, adorable courtship and inevitable happy ending.
Here are all of the available Christmas movie professions, ranked.
14. Lawyer
The legal profession is too real for my Christmas movie heroines. In Christmas Festival of Ice, Emma finds out that there is “more to life than legal briefs.” Emma will shuffle through manila folders, have a tight up-do and wear the entire collection from Ann Taylor. There is zero whimsy and charm in the legal profession.
13. National Christmas Tree Hunter
It’s unclear if Holly Kuhn’s (terrible name) actual profession is a Christmas tree hunter, but we’re going with it. Holly the Tree Hunter, from Miss Christmas, has no job security. She profits from destroying forests and she doesn’t even have a cool reality series like Dog the Bounty Hunter.
12. NYC Real Estate Developer
Anna, in The Christmas Shop, takes the worst land in the best neighborhood and flips it for profit. By the sounds of the summary, she is grinding it out in NYC. Boring. Give me a cute couple working together to flip houses in a quaint town in Texas and I’m game.
11. Town Veterinarian
While being a doctor is lucrative and respectable, I’ve seen how my pets act at the vet office. There is nothing romantic about fleas, rashes and anal gland expressions. Christmas in Evergreen is set in Vermont, so the good doctor’s problems probably involve weird goat afflictions and dairy cow disasters. Bah Humbug.
10.Santa Fe Interior Designer
There have been plenty of designers in Hallmark holiday movies, but has there ever been a Santa Fe Interior Designer? Enchanted Christmas plans to right this wrong. Laura’s day-to-day life is rough. Probably from having to decorate homes with this image all day: 
Laura, crippled from the arid desert air, has to turn to salsa dancing as a release. From there, in the least festive setup ever, Laura gets in the Christmas spirit.
9. House Manager for an Exquisite Estate
Coming Home for Christmas explores how fulfilling it can be to plan galas and events for people who own an exquisite estate. While planning fancy parties with other people’s money sounds nice, I’d prefer to attend the parties rather than plan the party.
8. Struggling Broadway Actress
Christmas Encore is a “modern take” on A Christmas Carol. The struggling Broadway actress isn't played by Sutton Foster, so I'm not interested.
7. Ski Lodge Owner
Everything I know about ski lodges I learned from that one episode of Boy Meets World. Ski lodges have roaring fires, limitless potential for ankle sprains and infidelities. Owning a ski lodge seems like the perfect way to pair eavesdropping on drama and wearing good flannel.
6. Ad Executive
With Love, Christmas adds a little Mad Men flair to your favorite Hallmark movies, hopefully with less addiction and second hand smoke. Melanie has to find a way to sell the newest phone to the masses. I literally can’t wait to see how horrible this ad campaign is.
5. Sweet Bookshop Worker
In A Gift to Remember, a “sweet bookshop worker” has to help a man get his memories back. I’m not sure of the science behind this story, but what I do like is that the main character doesn’t own the store, she just works in it. Owning a bookstore is so 1998 with You’ve Got Mail. Not owning a store allows for you to restore memories in your freetime, a luxury you could not afford if you were a small business owner.
4. Travel Writer
Emory is a free spirit, but you already knew that because she’s named, Emory. All free spirits are either yoga instructors, kindergarten teachers or travel writers. Emory won the free spirit lottery when she snagged the most exciting of the three. I really look forward to the character development they use by giving Emory a big leather bag to help describe how worldly she is.
3. Aspiring Romance Writer
Being a romance writer is like being a travel writer, but better. Travel writers have to wear jackets with lots of pockets, haul luggage and write accurate reports about places. Romance writers get to wear pajamas, stay at home and make up sassy stories.
Romance writing is the superior profession.
2. Bridal Boutique Owner
Imagine a job where you get to help women prepare for their best day. Imagine a job where you get to observe family dynamics influenced by stress. Imagine a job where you profit from overpriced dresses that will only be worn once. Owning a bridal shop is the trifecta of desirability, profitability and charm in a profession.
1. American Gingerbread Competition Contestant
While I remain loyal to Christmas movies, the Holiday Baking Challenges on Food Network hold a special place in my heart. The Sweetest Christmas is the perfect recipe for a combination between these two sweet treats. Played by Lacey Chabert, the Queen of Christmas movies, a “struggling pastry chef” competes in a competition, but has to use her ex-boyfriend’s pizza oven. While the premise is strained, the result is guaranteed to put you in the Christmas Spirit.
Plus, everyone looks cute in an apron. 
Discuss This Article
Comments have moved.
Join the conversation and talk about this article and all things Kentucky Sports in the new KSR Message Board.
KSBoard