Expert NCAA Tournament Bracket Advice from a Toddler

Three days have past since the Selection Committee completed the 2023 NCAA Tournament bracket. By now, I’m sure you’ve heard from dozens of experts who are putting teams on upset alert and penciling their picks into the Final Four. Here’s a secret: everyone is going to be wrong.

The perfect bracket does not exist. The more basketball one watches does not translate to success in bracket pools. That is why this year I’ve tapped a new resource, my toddler.

Picking numbers in a horse race can be as effective as spending an afternoon handicapping a program. Taking that approach, when faced with a few close games, I put my indecision into the hands of a monster truck fanatic that will do just about anything for an Oreo cookie.

I’m sharing with the world his infinite infant wisdom in the hopes that his perspective can create perfect picks in the KSR Bracket Challenge. Before you criticize his selections, remember, you can’t get mad at a face this cute.

My methodology was simple. He picked his favorite mascot in seven head-to-head matchups. Like most children, he’s a fan of Cinderella.

No. 4 UConn vs. No. 13 Iona

Even though he’s a big fan of dogs, he enjoys chasing the neighborhood Cats more. There’s no Rick Pitino bias, but he may be a fan of Abe Lincoln, who may or may no be the inspiration for Killian the Gael.

Winner: Iona

No. 7 Boise State vs. No. 10 Northwestern

The Mountain West Conference has been atrocious in the NCAA Tournament, just 1-11 in the Big Dance since 2016. This decision should be easy, but it’s Northwestern basketball. Can I really side with the nerds? I was ready to pencil in Boise State — after all, my son’s a big fan of going to the “Horse Castle,” a.k.a Churchill Downs — but he’s all in on the Fighting Darren Rovells.

Winner: Northwestern

No. 5 Duke vs. No. 12 Oral Roberts

Most casual college basketball fans will be cheering for the upset over Duke, but what about my son? Even when his mother reminded him, “But your name is Duke,” he still picked the Blue Devils to fall. I’ve never been more proud.

Winner: Oral Roberts

No. 5 San Diego State vs. No. 12 Charleston

We almost had to quit picking basketball teams when he saw the San Diego State mascot. He was physically unwell every time I showed him an image of the Aztec Warrior. Lesson learned: the more anthropomorphic, the better the mascot.

Winner: Charleston

No. 5 St. Mary’s vs. No. 12 VCU

The only conference I loathe more than the Mountain West is the West Coast, a.k.a the Gonzaga league. St. Mary’s is the Zags’ only competition for the final two months of the season. This year the Gaels got the best of ’em once. That’s good enough for Duke to pick the mascot with the “super big muscles.”

Winner: St. Mary’s

No. 3 Gonzaga vs. No. 14 Grand Canyon

Like VCU’s Rodney the Ram, Thunder the Antelope is unlike most typical mascots. I thought that might give CGU a chance, but the wrinkled face of Spike the Bulldog makes Gonzaga such a big favorite, they’re now the team I am picking to win the National Title.

Winner: Gonzaga

No. 14 Kennesaw State vs. No. 3 Xavier

Phil Steele has a 4-Star Lock of the Week. This is the Slam Dunk Duke Roush Big Bracket Bet of the Millennium. My 2-year-old was disgusted with the Kennesaw State Owl. When I showed him Xavier’s two mascots, we had to spend the next 15 minutes looking at pictures on the iPad. “I want to see more.” The Blue Blob has the key to his heart. The only thing that makes him happier is an Oreo cookie.

Winner: Xavier