Funkhouser Scouting Report: The 1998 West Canaan Coyotes

I think we all can agree that sports are awesome. But some of the most beloved figures in sporting lore never stepped foot on a court or a field; they exist solely in the movies, TV shows, books, and songs that we all know and love. The Funkhouser Scouting Report is a semi-regular feature that will examine some of the greatest characters and events in sports pop culture history from the point of view of an anonymous scout dispatched to collect information on the most buzzworthy teams of the past and present. In today’s edition, our trusty Funkhouser scout visits the dusty plains of Texas to break down one of the most exciting and controversial high school football teams in pop culture history, the 1998 West Canaan Coyotes from Varsity Blues. Team: The 1998 West Canaan Coyotes Record: 6-1 or 7-1 (there is some debate about their official record, as there is no existing data/footage on the team’s performance prior to their game against the Bingville Bulls). Head Coach: Bud Kilmer. Kilmer, a living legend in Texas football circles, has coached at West Canaan for 30 years, winning two state titles (in 1987 and 1989) and 22 district championships. This year’s season-ending win over the Gilroy Mustangs would have marked his 23^rd district championship, but he was never credited with the win because he didn’t show up to coach the team in the second half (see Footnote #1). Kilmer was named Texas State High School Coach of the Year in 1989, and the town of West Canaan erected a statue in his honor outside the football field (which is named, of course, Bud Kilmer Stadium). He is famous for being almost manically dedicated to running a grinding offense that favors a clock-draining, three-yards-and-a-cloud-of-dust approach over anything resembling a deep throw down the field. At the time of this report, it is assumed that Kilmer has retired from coaching football since he hasn’t been heard from since his disappearance after the Gilroy game. Key Players Jonathon Moxon — Senior, Quarterback, #4 AKA: Mox, Moxon, Jonny Mox, Jon Moxon Notes of Interest: Moxon is the son of former West Canaan football player, Sam Moxon. It is well known around town that the younger Moxon resents his father and claims one of the only reasons he plays football is to appease the elder Moxon. That point has been a source of embarrassment for the Moxon family ever since an unsavory bit of home video was shared around town: http://youtu.be/_I8ucLNE5WM College Outlook: Mox accepted a full academic scholarship to Brown University, where he doesn’t intend to play football, much to his father’s chagrin. Breakdown: Moxon is a smart, athletic kid who is just as comfortable tucking the ball and picking up a first down with his legs as he is hitting an open receiver in stride downfield with a perfectly thrown ball. He excels in the infamous Oopty-oop Offense, which — as Moxon likes to remind anyone who will listen — is the five-wide receiver spread offense Mississippi Valley State ran in the late 1990s, averaging more than 40 points per game. A career backup, Moxon made his season debut in a game earlier this season against the Greeneville Hornets after starting quarterback Lance Harbor went down with an injury. Entering the game with just over a minute left and his team trailing 21-17, Moxon’s first pass attempt was a long completion to Charlie Tweeter inside Greeneville’s 15-yard line. With time running out and no timeouts left, Moxon hurried his team to the line and stopped the clock using one of the most reckless and unconventional methods I’ve ever witnessed: he whipped the ball toward the sideline and hit the Greeneville mascot directly in the face. While the play ultimately achieved his goal of stopping the clock, it showed a complete lack of respect for the game and his opponent. With 35 seconds left on the clock, Moxon appeared to change the play called in from the sideline. He handed the ball to halfback Wendell Brown, who ran right for a fake sweep before throwing the ball back across the field to Moxon. Moxon made the catch, evaded several tacklers, and dove into the end zone for the game-winning touchdown. Moxon played well in a 67-3 win over the Waynesboro Broncos, which was highlighted by a 40-yard touchdown run during which he shed three tacklers in the backfield, hurdled another defender inside the five yard line, and held on to the ball after a vicious hit at the goal line. And he was flat-out heroic in the season’s final game against the Gilroy Mustangs, where he once again employed the controversial clock-stopping method of drilling the opposing team’s mascot with the ball (see Footnote #2). In fact, his only poor performance came in West Canaan’s lone loss of the season versus the Elwood Wildcats (see Footnote #3). Pros: Very bright, possessing an appetite for knowledge both on and off the field; has a rocket arm and knows how to use it; shows a propensity for doing the right thing, even when confronted with situations that would tempt the average individual (there were murmurs in the stands about something called a “whipped cream bikini,” but I was unable to uncover the meaning of the term); he’s a good friend (he went to visit Lance in the hospital following his injury). Cons: Often freelances on the field, overriding or simply ignoring play calls from Coach Kilmer; at times demonstrates a severe lack of focus (he has been spotted on the sidelines during games using his playbook to hide unrelated reading material, such as Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughter House Five); claims to love football when it’s “pure,” but is unwilling to accept the harsh realities of the game at higher levels (tough practices, coaches coercing players to take cortisone shots so they can play through injuries, etc.); views coaches and parents as authoritarians who need to be defied and/or embarrassed as a matter of principle. Lance Harbor — Senior, Quarterback, #7 AKA: Lance, Coach Lance Notes of Interest: Harbor is a two-time, all-state quarterback and team captain of the West Canaan Coyotes. He is the son of former West Canaan standout, Joe Harbor, and is involved in an on-again, off-again relationship with Darci Sears, captain of the Coyotes’ cheerleading squad. College Outlook: He committed to play for Florida State University (although his commitment may be up in the air following a recent injury — see below) Breakdown: Harbor is a clean-cut, all-American kid who was born to play quarterback. Putting aside his physical gifts on the football field, I can say without a doubt that Harbor has the best head of hair I’ve ever seen. His flowing golden locks are awe-inspiring. At one school pep rally I attended, he told a story of having a bad dream that his team was only beating upcoming opponent Bingville by a few points, and literally every girl in the crowd seemed to ooh and ahh and hang on his every word. You can’t coach that type of magnetism or charisma. After getting off to a fast start this season, Harbor suffered a horrific knee injury in the game against Greeneville, tearing several ligaments and requiring multiple surgeries. Pros: Strong arm; a true field general who is respected by all his teammates; members of his offensive line are willing to run through walls for him; has good accuracy (I heard reports of him knocking a beer can off his dad’s head from 10 yards away); may have a future as a coach if and when his playing days are behind him; sports the hair of a Greek god. Cons: Doctors think he may be out at least a year and a half, and possibly never play again, following his knee injury; seems susceptible to being taken advantage of by women looking to use him as a one-way ticket out of West Canaan. “Billy Bob” — Senior, Right Guard, #69 AKA: Robert (full name was never disclosed) Notes of Interest: Billy Bob was named Most Improved Player at Lineman Camp (age 11), and was a member of the Pee Wee Football Championship West Canaan Steelers (age 9). College Outlook: N/A. Billy Bob currently does not have any offers to play college football, most likely because of his massive girth and history of head injuries (see below) Breakdown: Billy Bob is a physical enigma. While size is certainly a valuable asset for a lineman in today’s game, Billy Bob is shockingly — almost offensively — obese. Coach Kilmer himself was recently heard calling Billy Bob “fat, slow and lazy.” Despite his otherworldly mass, he is relatively short. You would think this combination would be a detriment, but Billy Bob has found a way to use his odd size to his advantage. He routinely overpowers his opponents and leads the team in pancake blocks. Sadly, he also leads the team in eating pancakes with his hands, and can often be seen dipping flapjacks into a jar of peanut butter and then swigging maple syrup directly from a bottle that he keeps on the dash of his truck. Billy Bob suffered a head injury late in the game against Bingville, but after passing an embarrassingly incomplete medical examination that consisted of him correctly answering the question “the man is holding up some fingers, true or false?,” the team trainer cleared him to play in the next game against Greeneville. That, of course, was the game in which Billy Bob collapsed at the line of scrimmage, allowing an unblocked defender to violently sack quarterback Lance Harbor, resulting in a season-ending (and possibly career-ending) knee injury. Billy Bob later passed a CAT scan just before the last game of the season that (some would say miraculously) cleared him to play and ruled out the possibility of any long-term brain damage. But having listened to Billy Bob talk, I still have my doubts. Pros: A devastating run blocker who can get out in front on a sweep and clear a path for runners; demonstrated an ability to excel on special teams, especially in punt block situations; drives a huge, tricked-out pickup truck that is probably the coolest car in the high school parking lot; can “boot and rally;” owns a full-grown pet pig named Bacon. Cons: Has a history of concussions and head injuries; known to have a veracious appetite, often consuming obscene amounts of food and liquor; possibly mentally unstable (there were rumors that Moxon showed up just in time to avert a possible suicide attempt by Billy Bob shortly before the Gilroy game); a bit of a crier; not a good friend (he never went to visit Lance in the hospital). Charlie Tweeter — Senior, Wide Receiver, #82 AKA: Tweeter Notes of Interest: Tweeter served as the Coyotes third-string emergency quarterback, although he never saw any in-game action at that position. College Outlook: N/A. At this point in time, Tweeter seems more likely to end up in prison than in an anything resembling an institution of higher learning. Breakdown: Although he’s a tough, speedy (albeit under-sized) slot receiver in the mold of Wes Welker, Tweeter is a true wild card. His contributions on the field are undeniable — he had clutch catches in nearly every game West Canaan played this season and he even blocked a punt that set up the game-winning hook and ladder play (of which he was the “hook” and Billy Bob was the “ladder”) against the Gilroy Mustangs that earned the Coyotes their 23^rd district championship. But his off-the-field antics are equally legendary, and not in a good way. Though he was never charged with any crime, Tweeter infamously stole a police vehicle from two State Troopers who encountered Tweeter when they responded to calls of a wild high-school drinking party. It was rumored that he took the police cruiser for a drunken, naked joyride with three sophomore coeds, and that he exposed himself to the local Ladies’ Auxiliary while they were rehearsing for the town’s Christmas Pageant (the term “wieners on the glass” is now infamous in West Canaan). Even worse, Tweeter is rumored to have provided illegal prescription painkillers to Lance Harbor, which may have ultimately contributed to the severity of his injury. Pros: Good speed; soft hands; not afraid to go over the middle; a good downfield blocker; fearless (both on the field and off). Cons: Reckless; consistently demonstrates a lack of good judgment (his close friends claim he has a tattoo of a howling coyote on his rear-end); spends an inordinate amount of time creating end zone dances to which he assigns lackluster and obvious names, such as “the new Tweeter end zone dance;” at times seems more concerned with “getting some ass” or causing mayhem than he is with football; appeared in an early viral video in which he assaulted a 1980 West Canaan graduate by hitting him in the genitals with a whiffleball bat; has a wanton disregard for authority and the law, going so far as to openly celebrate the team’s win over Gilroy by spraying his teammates and himself with two bottles of beer in front of the entire town, including multiple police officers; not a good friend (he never went to visit Lance in the hospital). Wendell Brown — Senior, Running Back, #33 AKA: Wendell Notes of Interest: Brown averaged nearly 133 yards per game his senior season. He is one of the only players for whom reliable stats were available, and that’s only because I overheard him shouting his stats at Moxon in the school’s hallway one afternoon. College Outlook: He received a scholarship offer to play at Grambling State University (although his talent seems to suggest he could contribute — and possibly star — at the likes of Texas Tech or Texas A&M). At the very least, Brown’s career there should be free of player revolts and other such drama. Breakdown: Brown was a standout performer on this year’s West Canaan squad, although he didn’t garner as much local coverage as his teammates Moxon, Harbor, Tweeter and Billy Bob. Despite his impressive yardage totals, he only scored 4 touchdowns (three of which were long runs of 20+ yards). There was some speculation that he was in and out of Coach Kilmer’s doghouse. Adding fuel to those rumors was the fact that Brown’s mother handled all of the activities associated with his college recruitment (activities in which Coach Kilmer played a key role for other players on the team). Wendell’s worst performance of the year came against the Elwood Wildcats, a 20-3 loss that ruined the Coyotes bid for a perfect season. Following the game, several unnamed players accused Jonathan Moxon of leading Brown, Tweeter, Billy Bob and Harbor on an all-night drinking binge at a local strip club the night before, even though most everyone I talked to confirmed that Brown was seen only drinking water that night (see Footnote #4). Pros: An excellent runner who displays a potent mix of power and elusiveness; a true workhorse back; above average pass blocker; mostly avoids the drinking and party scene. Cons: Often disappears in the red zone, rarely earning carries near the goal line; suffered a hamstring injury in his high school season finale against Gilroy; not a good friend (he never went to visit Lance in the hospital).   Footnotes Footnote #1: The Gilroy game is most notable as being Coach Kilmer’s last as head coach of the Coyotes. Anonymous reports out of the locker room indicate there was some sort of player-led revolt during halftime — including a physical altercation between Kilmer and Moxon — that resulted in Kilmer’s absence from the sideline during the second half. Despite having an entire staff of adult assistant coaches who were presumably paid to coach high school football, injured senior quarterback Lance Harbor donned Kilmer’s headset and appeared to be calling both the offensive and defensive plays for the remainder of the game. It was certainly one of the stranger scenes this scout has ever witnessed. Footnote #2: This being the second incident involving Moxon purposely injuring mascots, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Texas State High School Athletic Commission looked into his behavior and took appropriate action. Footnote #3: Although the Elwood game was a disaster for several reasons, credit must be given to the Elwood players and coaching staff. The Wildcats’ defense had a field day with the Coyotes, laying spectacular hits on players left and right. In all honesty, it didn’t even look like real football, more closely resembling football as it might be depicted in a second-rate Hollywood movie or as directed by someone who has never actually watched an actual, real-life version of the game. Footnote #4: Shortly after this group of seniors graduated from West Canaan, a sex scandal rocked the town when it was discovered that Ms. Davis, the high school’s Sex Ed teacher, was moonlighting as an exotic dancer at the Landing Strip, a seedy gentlemen’s club located on the outskirts of town. Ironically, Ms. Davis’ extra curricular activities were discovered after she insisted on repeatedly dancing to Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher,” perhaps the worst possible song you could choose if you were a teacher trying to conceal your identity while working as a stripper.   @TheSEShepherd