Jared: A Galleria of Seven-Footedness

“I Hate Goodbyes!” Wow. So four years have passed by like a blur and my head is still spinning. It seems like only yesterday that big JC loped into our collective consciousness and later, our hearts. Today we spend some time honoring Jared and what better way to do that than take a behind-the-curtains peek at the inner workings of one Jaredington Carter. Sure you know of his on-court exploits, but do you know what makes him tick? Have you ever considered his hopes? His dreams? Favorite pasta? It’s bowtie, by the way. No, you haven’t, but is it because you just don’t care? No. You know as well as I do that you fear that the more you get to know about Vanilla Shagari, the harder it will be to let him go. But we owe it to Jared to get a little more acquainted, so let’s peel the onion on The American Dream (Dusty Rhodes stole JC’s nickname) and play “Know Your Friend/Hero/Dance Partner: Jared Ilyich Ulyanov Carter”. 1. Jared’s favorite television show is “Saved by the Bell” and his favorite video game is “Castlevania” on the original NES. 2. Jared has a poet’s heart and can often be found curled up with a quaint volume of Coleridge on a Saturday night. 3. Jared treats his mother very well and picked her a bouquet of posies this mother’s day last. 4. Jared is the proud owner of a chocolate lab. No, not a dog. He actually owns a laboratory where he makes chocolate for Whitman’s Candies. 5. Mid-way through the run of “Murphy Brown”, Jared became the agent for the guy who played Miles. Six years after the show ended, Jared realized he wasn’t suited to be an agent. 6. Jared unsuccessfully lobbied Ruby Tuesday’s to include Eggo’s on their menu. When this request was denied, he became a staunch O’Charley’s supporter. His suggestion hasn’t been taken up there either, but he really likes the rolls. 7. Jared knows the true identity of Jack the Ripper, and tried to use this information to get free stuff from various businesses across Lexington. Much to his dismay, few were interested. 8. For a time, Jared and Ares, god of war, dated the same girl. Her name is Lindsey Hamilton and her dad is an accountant. 9. Jared refuses to wear anything with zippers, strings, buckles, Velcro, or buttons. This is why he is only seen in long, flowing robes. 10. Jared once saw a yard gnome, but it didn’t scare him. 11. Jared claims that Cheyenne, Wyoming is named after him, but won’t say why…or how. 12. Huge fan of M. Night Shyamalan the person, but hates his movies. 13. Sees absolutely no need for thermometers. 14. Jared has often noted that the best place to hide in hide-and-seek is in the living room with a lampshade on your head–particularly if the house you are playing in has a lot of seven-foot-tall lamps…and those lamps look like people. 15. Like Kenny Walker, Jared Carter has also challenged a horse. However, Jared challenged a horse to a debate on the correlation between export growth and GDP growth in developing countries. Jared won a split decision. So there you go, Cat fans. See what just four years of stalking can get you? Jared has dealt with some difficult times during his tenure as a Cat and I believe he was on his way to being a regular contributor prior to his battle with the shoulder gremlins. However, despite the disappointment of not getting to see as much clock as he would have liked, he can forevermore say he has experienced what many of us dreamed about when we were growing up: being a Kentucky Wildcat. I wish Jared the absolute best in his future endeavors and hope that said endeavors will include contributing to a blog of his choice and perhaps some sort of television cooking show. Thanks for the memories, Jared, and thanks for being a Wildcat. Go Cats.