My knowledge of handicapping the ponies is minimal, to say the least. To be honest, I’d be hard-pressed to pick out the differences between a mule and a thoroughbred. Race forms could be written in Greek for all I know. 

Yesterday, the Commonwealth and the Kentucky Derby were on the international stage. Mage won the race. The two horses (Forte and Skinner) I picked to win were scratched before kickoff. I now have a 28-year losing streak in an ongoing bet with a couple of old friends. 0/28. 

I have very little interest in attending another Kentucky Derby. I prefer to watch from the comforts of home. I get a little overwhelmed just thinking about the traffic and crowds. It’s just too much for me. For complete disclosure, I feel the same way about any major public event, so It’s just not the Derby. 

I have been at Churchill Downs for the main event on many occasions. I worked it a few times while in the military and attended once in the infield. The pageantry is cool. I recommend to my friends to go at least once in order to experience Kentucky’s signature event. 

My stance on the Derby is nothing against the city of Louisville or horse racing. But, the Derby is just not for me. It’s not personal. I grew up in a region of the state where horse racing wasn’t a focus or even discussed. Louisville was so far from my mountain home that it could have been on Mars for all I knew. I do admire those like Nick Roush and other friends that think of the event as a religious experience. I get it. 

As I said earlier, I have an annual Derby bet with two old buddies. We each select one horse. The method I utilize to pick the winner is not exactly scientific nor does it lean on an algorithmic analysis of the racing guide. 

I simply select the Derby winner based on name alone. I tend to gravitate towards any horse that has a military or patriotic-related moniker or one that is UK themed. I took Skinner and Forte this year. Here was my reasoning. Forte was a tribute to Luke Fortner. The names are similar. Skinner was in honor of UK volleyball coach Craig Skinner.

Back to Mage. I began to wonder last night if Mage was the horse’s official name or a nickname. Is Mage’s real name “Joe Smith” or “Jack Jones” and is called Mage by the owner?  Is Mage unique to a specific trainer or farm from the horse’s origins? How do horses actually get their names? Is there a registry? When do they get their names, at birth? There’s been a bunch of years. Are names unique to one specific horse or is there a statute of limitations on how long a name can last? Questions. I had a bunch of em. 

With that said, I thought on the Sunday following the Kentucky Derby that we could take part in a make-believe race to decide the best nickname in Kentucky Football history. Why not? It’s the offseason. We are all reaching for something to write about these days. Let’s get started. 

Kentucky Football’s Best Nicknames

Jervontius “Bunchy” Stallings

Bunchy is one of my all-time favorite Wildcats both on and off the field. His smile was welcoming during interviews and through personal interactions. The story of John Schlarman recruiting Stallings was legendary. Look it up. 

Bunchy is also one of the best pool players to ever suit up for the Cats. He was a true leader in the OL room. The guard played in 41 games with 26 starts and was named as the SEC’s Offensive Lineman of the Week on two occasions. 

Lawrence “Choo Choo” Lee

Choo Choo is from the long line of Paducah Tighlman players that went on to excel at the University of Kentucky. The halfback was also a high school track star. He won the 100, 200, and 400, and was the anchor on the mile relay for the Blue Tornado. I can remember Cawood Ledford calling his name on the radio and I always thought it was cool.

Jerry “Goat” Bell  

I could write a book on Jerry. I actually did write about Bell after his passing a year ago. I miss my roomie. 

Perhaps the largest personality to ever pass through the UK program, Jerry was a lovable wild man that treasured interacting with fans, especially the kids. The “Goat” nickname derived from his propensity to eat every and all things in the refrigerator after a night out in Lexington during his college days. He had the stomach of a goat. Get it? 

Jared Lorenzen 

Jared had many nicknames. “J-Lo” was one that is mostly known when referencing the KHSAA and UK Hall of Famer. The “Round Man of Touchdown” is another. There’s a bunch. 

Sadly, we lost Jared on July 3^rd, 2019. I miss my friend. I miss his laugh, the fun we had during podcasts and shows, and our phone conversations about life in general. 

Jared threw for 10,354 yards and 78 touchdowns at Kentucky. He started 41 career games and left Lexington for the Giants as one of the most popular figures in UK Athletics’ history. He won a Super Bowl for New York as well. 

Joe “Joker” Phillips

Joker is connected to UK in every manner possible. The Franklin Simpson product was a multi-year starting receiver under Jerry Claiborne. Joker later served as a GA, assistant, coordinator, and head coach at his alma mater. I hope he’s welcomed back to Kroger Field one day with love and respect. 

Marty “Moose” Moore  

UK Hall of Famer Marty Moore was a big-time recruit out of Highlands. Kentucky grabbed his commitment by holding off a strong, late push from Alabama. Marty accumulated over 300-tackles during his UK career and went on to NFL success. He won a Super Bowl with the New England Patriots. 

The nickname “Moose” came from the “National Lampoon Vacation” movie that starred Chevy Chase. In the film, Clark Griswold drove his family across the country to California in order to go to Wally World. The theme park’s mascot was “Marty Moose.” 

Robert “Pookie” Jones

Pookie Jones was signed to take my job. He did and I still love him. He’s actually one of the nicest people to ever walk the planet. Jones looks like he could still play the game today. His son Jacob signed with Grambling and will play quarterback for the Tigers this fall. 

Pookie is one of the best overall athletes to ever play at the university. He could run faster, jump higher, and do most everything better than the rest of us. Blessed with extraordinary traits, Jones was a two-sport star at UK. After playing quarterback and leading the Cats to the Peach Bowl, Pookie excelled on the Wildcat baseball diamond. He eventually played for the Colorado Rockies. 

Cory “Poop” Johnson 

When asked why his weight fluctuated while playing at Kentucky, Johnson said, “because I poops so much.” Can’t make that up. The nickname stuck. Poop went on to a prosperous career in the Canadian Football League. 

James “Stinkrat” Simpson 

Simpson was a standout from Louisville’s Pleasure Ridge Park High School. Stinkrat was my dude and teammate. He later coached at Louisville Central during the Yellow Jacket’s run on state titles. 

Vincent “Sweet Pea” Burns  

Sweet Pea had a stellar career in Lexington. He was named second team All-SEC. Burns went on to be selected by the Indianapolis Colts in the third round of the 2005 NFL Draft. 

“Dollar” Bill Ransdell 

Bill Ransdell was THE standard in which all UK quarterbacks were measured prior to the Air Raid era. The Elizabethtown, Kentucky native started his Wildcat career as the sixth QB on the depth chart. Dollar moved up quickly. He smashed Kentucky passing records and led the Wildcats to a couple of bowl games. 

Ransdell is a leaders’ leader. He’s the glue of his generation and still garners respect amongst fellow Wildcats. Through the good and bad, Bill has mentored me through football and life. Dollar is Mr. Wildcat. 

So, Who You Got?

I’m sure I left out many deserving candidates. Which UK Football nickname is your favorite? As for me, I’m going with Stinkrat. I have no clue how Simpson got that nickname, but it’s unique and awesome. Poop was a close second. 

Welcome to the offseason.