Know Your Enemy: Appalachian State University Moutaineers

Hello minions, it’s your old buddy Mosley here coming off of a week which did not see a KYE for the Indiana Loosiers, but did see, as a result, an outpouring of disappointment and angst the likes of which had not been seen since my grandma learned JoAnn Fabrics had run out of mauve yarn that one time. While I do express my sincerest apologies for my absence, you can be rest assured that I had a valid excuse: I was writing a book.

That’s write (get the delicious pun?), for the past several months I have been working feverishly with Takahiro Mizuno (yes, THE Takahiro Mizuno) on a project that we fully believe will revolutionize the culinary industry. No clue what I’m talking about? Well, if you’re like me, you’ve probably been to a Japanese Steakhouse within the last 24-48 hours. And, sure, the food is amazing, but the “tricks” that the chef performs, although they were the coolest the first time you saw them, have become a bit stale after repeated viewings. After all, there’s only so many times that a chef can make the onion volcano and expect audiences to be wowed. Enter Mosley and Mizuno (the names will be reversed on the book because he came up with 96% of the content). No, our book seeks to deliver new and better chef tricks that we fully believe will amaze audiences and turn the Japanese Steakhouse into the restaurant food specialty of choice, beating out current leaders, Italian and Canadian. I can’t give away any of the tricks just yet, but, as a taste, know that one of them involves rice, two eggs, 6 oz. of ether, a mahogany coffee table, and a fourteenth-century castle. Expect it in fine bookstores sometime next May.

On to Appalachian State. Football I-AA powerhouse (I refuse to use FCS). Old Man for a mascot. The Mountaineers enter their match-up against Gillispie’s lads with a 4-3 record and sporting losses to such traditional powerhouses as UNC Wilmington, Niagara, and fellow inhabitant of Appalachia, East Tennessee State University. However, they did beat Furman, so you know they have to pretty good. We will now dig-in to Appalachian State, and I feel particularly qualified to provide this analysis considering that I am native Appalachian. The remainder…

Location:

As I have already stated, and the University’s name implies, Appalachian State University is located in Appalachia, the not-universally defined geographic area generally consisting of the Appalachianally Mountainous areas of West Virginia, Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, and North Carolina. Not only is the geography itself confusing, but so is the pronunciation. While we natives generally prefer “Appa-latch-a”, most non-natives opt for “Appa-lay-shuh”. Both are technically correct, but when in doubt, go with what the natives say. Oh yeah, it’s specifically located in Boone, North Carolina. Which I hear is beautiful this time of year.

Notable Alumni:

While the university can point to such alums as Stephen Dubner (author of Freakonomics) and Franklin Graham, the luminary that has most recently been in the news is one Ron Prince, recently fired football coach at Kansas State. Prince took over a K-State program that had been transformed from a conference doormat to a perennial Big Twelve contender by Bill Snyder, and managed to quickly undo all of that success in a matter of a few years. No further evidence is needed than K-State’s loss to Big East power, Louisville this year. Ron Prince, we scoff at your inabilities.

Cheerleader Scouting Report:

Nice selection, but it wouldn’t hurt to get the gal furthest left to perform a few more curls and maybe cut out french fries for a few weeks–you know, so she can maximize her talent.

Basketball History:

I’ve researched this. Answer: None.

Players and Coaches:

I’m pretty sure that freshman forward Quinche Dowdell was Rosie Perez’s response in “White Men Can’t Jump” to the Jeopardy question, “Adam and Eve dined on this forbidden fruit.” Also, I’m having trouble deciding whether coach Houston Fancher looks more like a jewelry store manager or a youth pastor.

Maybe he looks like a press secretery for a Congressman

Airtight Predictions:

Patrick Patterson will not touch the ball as much as he should. Jodie Meeks will shoot >5 times. Coach Gillispie will yell at Deandre Liggins. Liggins will pretend he doesn’t care, but will secretly yearn for Coach G’s approval and will write as much in his personal journal. Jared Carter will, again, exhibit his ability to change his height between 7’1 ½ to 7’2 ½, but no one will seem to notice or care.

Summary:

Should be a good time, as the Mountaineers bring their Appalachian twang and love of four-wheelers to Freedom Hall in an effort to knock-off the Cats. Rumor has it that, in true Appalachian fashion, the team decided to gravel the driveways of the game’s referees, in order to win favor, but the refs were actually perturbed because their driveways were already blacktopped. Cats win handily, and will then continue to rack up wins before SEC play. Enjoy watching our boys for the first time in a week, and Happy Jesus Birthday to you and yours. Go Cats.