Know Your Enemy: The Ankle Sprain

“Mosley, it’s Billy”
“Billy Carter? But I thought you had been dead for like, 30 years”
“No, it’s Billy Gillispie”
“I’m going to be honest, it’s not ringing a bell”
“Billy Gillispie, you know, coach of the Kentucky Wildcats?”
“Oh, Bill-y Gillispie, sure I remember now. That New Jersey drawel of your’s threw me off.”
“A-anyway, I know you’re incredibly busy what with your negotiations with North Korea on behalf of the State Department and your recent enrollment in cosmetology school…”
“Go on.”
“But, we really need some help. You see, one of our stars, Patrick Patterson, a mountain of a man whose family crest depicts a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong, did something to his ankle in our most recent game against Florida and our trainers are stumped. I think they’re calling it a spreen, but they seem to be stupified by their own medical mumbo-jumbo. I thought that calling you might help shed some light on the situation, because they are in completely over their heads with this thing.”
“So what you’re saying is that I should move into Wildcat Lodge, befriend the big fella, play video games with him and listen to the popular music that the kids are listening to nowadays and figure out who the Source is?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. Are you even listening to me? That sounds like the plot to every episode of “DEA”.”
“Well, to be fair, I wasn’t listening and I have been watching a lot of “DEA”. By the way, who’s your favorite special agent? Mine’s Woody, because he’s tough, but seems like he’d be cool to hang out with and–”
“Could we get back to the topic at hand?”
“I thought it was his foot?”
“Could you please just write a Know Your Enemy for this ankle spreen injury that has so baffled the training staff and the finest Drs. in Lexington?”
“For you coach–and $20,000–I’ll do what’s necessary to help the team.”
“How about I just agree to look the other way over this whole “toothpaste eating” unpleasantness.
“Deal.”

Location:

Between the foot and calf. The rounded bone in this area is a dead giveaway.

Notable Alumni:

Me on several occasions. Several of my uncles. Lebron James. Lisa Turtle.

Cheerleader Scouting Report:

One of the lesser utilized, but more effective, treatments for ankle sprains

History:

Ankle sprains were created in the 1930’s when baseball, basketball, and jumping were invented. With the popularity of the new games exploding, a peculiar event began to occur to some of the participants of these new activities: they would occasionally misstep, forcing their ankles into positions to which they were not accustomed and thereby stretching or tearing the ligaments that attached the foot to the leg. The injuries became so prevelant that a young Prussia aerobics instructor named Karl Marx spoke out against ankle sprains and the games associated with them in his book, “Das Kapital”. Despite the intial backlash, public indignation over ankle sprains eventually died down and they have been a plague on society ever since.

Early enemy of ankle sprains and father of communism

Airtight Predictions:

Air cast for Patrick Patterson. Now some folks are going to tell you to use the RICE method, but I’m going to go against conventional wisdom by advocating not only for Patrick Patterson to play against Arkansas, but also for him to run on a treadmill for nine hours a day, every day, for the next six weeks so he can work the kinks out. Oh yeah, if you play him against Arkansas, he’ll score 39 points and grab 24 rebounds. This will be because his shiny crutches will distract Steven Hill. How’s that? Steven Hill’s not there anymore? Well, he can use his crutches to get better position against whoever is guarding him. Also, Jodie Meeks for 55 points and Kevin Galloway with a septupal-double.

Summary (I totally didn’t lift what’s below from a website word-for-word, so there’s no reason to check up on it–you’re gonna have to trust me):

How It Happens
Ankle sprains happen when the foot twists, rolls or turns beyond its normal motions. A great force is transmitted upon landing. You can sprain your ankle if the foot is planted unevenly on a surface, beyond the normal force of stepping. This causes the ligaments to stretch beyond their normal range in an abnormal position.

Grade 1 sprain:
Slight stretching and some damage to the fibers (fibrils) of the ligament.

Grade 2 sprain:
Partial tearing of the ligament. If the ankle joint is examined and moved in certain ways, abnormal looseness (laxity) of the ankle joint occurs.

Grade 3 sprain:
Complete tear of the ligament. If the examiner pulls or pushes on the ankle joint in certain movements, gross instability occurs.

Welp, that’s about it. I told coach that I would go ahead and just post this to the interweb, so that we could save on postage. Hopefully now our trainers, doctors, and feng shui experts will be adequatley versed on ankle sprains so that they can get our boy Patrick back into action as soon as possible and we can continue our current one game winning streak. Happy made-up holiday tomorrow! Go Cats.

P.S. In researching this communique, I have seen a lot of illustrations of ankle sprains. However, all of these illustrations have depicted white feet. Just so that we’re clear, black folks can get ankle sprains, too.