Know Your Enemy: University of Florida Gators

October 15, 2008 A.D.—-Matt, as you well know, I have been selected by the CIA to perform certain “untidy tasks” for the US government down in Panama. As a result, I am unlikely to be able to provide the usual multitude of “Know Your Enemy” posts this basketball season. However, I do think it would be a nice gift to surprise my adoring public with a “Special Edition KYE” for the Florida game. Since I’ll be living out of the country and will not have access to the computer box for the next six months, I’ll have to go ahead and write it now and then you can just put it up prior to the Florida game. I generally like my posts to be topical and relevant to current events/team performance, but I’m pretty confident that I know how a lot of things will play out both for our Wildcats and the world at large, so I’m not too concerned. Again, just post this prior to the Florida game and we’ll pretend like it was hastily written the day before just like all the other KYE’s and our readers will be none the wiser (wink). You can’t hear me because I’m writing this, but I’m laughing and it’s somewhere between an arrogant laugh and a maniacal laugh with a little bit of indigestion thrown in. Oh yeah, don’t forget to delete this paragraph before you put the post up.

Hey, hey, Wildcat fans, it’s time for our beloved Wildcats and our fearless leader Billy “The Clyde” Gillispie to take on the Florida Crocagators and their awful coach Billy Donovan (I couldn’t think of anything clever for him). Florida has had the roughest of years going winless in the conference and having Nick Calathes have an anxiety attack/crying spell prior to every game. The Gators proved to be no match for the Cats in Rupp as things got so out of hand that little-used backup Michael Porter even got to see some clock. Consequently, nothing short of another bailout by President McCain is going to save these Gators from the destruction that surely awaits them and we can only hope that this game doesn’t drag our RPI down to where we are in danger of getting a 2 seed.

And here’s where we begin to talk about March Madness! This is a special time of year in the Commonwealth where we all fill out our brackets and, out of loyalty, always have UK winning it all no matter what seed they have. This year, thanks to the dynamic play of all-world freshman DeAndre Liggins, our Cats can sit tight knowing that a good seed awaits them and can focus on working on things to better prepare them for March, like getting Jodie Meeks to improve on his 8 points per game and become that fifth scorer that we’ve talked about incessantly. But before we get ahead of ourselves, let’s focus on the task at hand: preparing for the lowly Gators and the Cy Sperling of college basketball, Alex Tyus.

Location:

Gainesville is located in Alachua County; a place that derives its name from a combination of the Spanish word “la” and “chua”–a word from the Native Americans who originally inhabited the area. When put together, the words form the phrase, “the sinkhole”. That’s right, lads and lassies, Gainesville is located in a sinkhole and, like many sinkholes that I have seen, is full of trash. Gainesville itself is named after Edmund P. Gaines, an army general who courageously fought the outgunned Seminoles of the area and heroically removed them from their native lands. Even if it gets cold in the O’Connell Center Saturday, DO NOT accept a blanket from a Florida fan.

Notable Alumni:

Florida has a long list of unlikeable characters, but given that the current price for a gallon of gas is $5.15, we’ve got to give a special mention to ExxonMobil Vice President, Jon L. Thompson. The creators of Gatorade, however, serve as counterweights to Mr. Thompson in that they have created a drink loved the world over and that drink has developed a Brand Name (Gatorade) that is so well-known that it would take a fool to mess with it. Florida has also produced 6 astronauts in its history which makes me think that Billy Donovan very likely knows something about Uranus (thank you, thank you).

There, now everyone gets to see Uranus

Cheerleader Scouting Report:

Yeah, yeah, pretty girls, Erin Andrews used to be one, etc. What I find troubling about this picture is that it is a commentary on today’s society. Why? Because someone made a conscious decision to not have the two trophies sit side by side. Are we really that juvenile? (get it? It would make ’em look like testicles! Tee hee!)

Basketball History:

It can all pretty much be summed up with Dwayne Schintzius’ mullet.

Wow, that thing is majestic

Players:

The usual cast of characters who go out of their way to be trendy, though it generally smacks of effort. We all know the key is to work really hard on your look so that it appears like you didn’t work hard at all on your look. Most of these names I know, but “Hudson Fricke”? Really? Not only is his last name kind of a curse word, but he’s also more obscure than, I don’t know, the governor of Illinois. Is it one of the Dalys? Also, Erving Walker’s picture looks like that of a ten year old whose mother had to bribe him with the promise of baseball cards just so that he would sit for the portrait. He’ll do it, but he’s not gonna be happy about it. The only thing missing is a script Olan Mills written diagonally across the right corner.

I’d better get a Happy Meal out of this, too

Airtight predictions:

Liggins continues his stellar play, so enjoy him now folks because he won’t be here next year. Second scorer Donald Williams continues to complement Liggins with a barrage of threes in the collective eye of the Gators. Patrick Patterson serves to clean up the rare misses served up by his backcourt compadres, but completely controls the defensive end with 19 blocks and 31 rebounds. Ramon Harris puts on another ball-handling clinic as he weaves his way through the lane time and again and displays a knack for finishing. Meeks doesn’t quite turn the corner in this game, but does finish with 13 points, a season high. Perry Stevenson provides another fine game, but does manage to turn the ball over for the first time this season (a walk), and Jared Carter is annoyed by A.J. Stewart’s insistence on punching him in the leg and exclaiming “punchbug!”, though their are no “punchbugs” around. Despite Jared’s protestations, A.J. never quits. William C. Gillispie continues to show the world his coaching prowess as he constantly confuses the Gators by switching defenses and making key substitutions at exactly the right time. Halftime provides another opportunity for Gillispie to show why he’s become a darling of the media, as he not only provides a thoughtful answer to the question of someone named Jeanine Edwards, but also compliments her lovely shoes (open-toed pumps) and her voice. Jeanine blushes on camera and becomes just another victim of Billy’s charms. Ultimately, this game proves to be a bigger flop for Florida than “The Mentalist” was for CBS (honestly, who thought that crappy show would last more than 3 episodes?), as the Cats prepare for Tampa with a 143-61 annihilation.

He looks like a grown-up version of Ryan Atwood from the OC…not that I’ve ever watched that show…or own seasons 1 and 2 on DVD.

Summary:

There you have it, beloved readership, a well-constructed and perfectly accurate Know Your Enemy. The SEC Tournament promises to be one of the most exciting ever as the Cats are likely to play the red-hot Razorbacks in the final, so get your tickets now. I know I’ll be there to hear the REALLY loud Chik-Fil-A scholarship commercials at the halftime of every game, but will you be there to support our unstoppable Cats as well? Hope so and see you in Tampa! Go Cats.