KSR Bachelor Top Tweets: Juan is the Loneliest Number

We’re going to start doing things a little differently here. The running diary format is great early on in the season when there is a lot of action going on and more girls are around to say/do ridiculous things. But at this point, we are down to 8 girls. We are going to change this into a top tweets list. Like Lettermen, only it will always be about the Bachelor. And better. This will now be your place to find the best tweets I see during the show as well as talking points you can use with co-workers, on dates with women, or when talking to your Mom. It’ll make things easier for you. It’ll make things easier for me. Everyone is a winner. Except for people who hate the Bachelor column. They always lose.

 

Depending on how you feel about The Bachelor column, I apologize/say you’re welcome for not writing about this train wreck of a television program last week. I got extremely sick. Everything inside of my body wanted to be outside of my body and it would get there anyway it could and it would do so whenever it saw fit. I had no say in the matter. Food poisoning is a lot like Clare after she has ocean coitus. It cannot be reasoned with.

 

To recap last week’s show:

1. Juan Pablo and the girls went to Vietnam.

2. Juan Pablo still can’t say English words (his attempt at “pediatric” made me think he was having a seizure).

3. Clare waved Juan Pablo home as he rounded second and headed for third on their late night venture and learned first hand that it’s not the size of the ship, it’s the motion of the ocean.

 

4. Juan Pablo asked a number of girls “Would joo juccep dis rose?”

 

Now that we’ve taken care of some housekeeping and last week’s show, let’s get to the top tweets (in no particular order) from tonight’s show (with commentary where applicable/needed) after the jump…

*Juan Pablo takes Andi to a waterfall on their one on one date. He kisses her in said waterfall. WATER AND KISSING!! THAT’S WHAT JUAN PABLO DOES!!

So apparently making out with women in water is Juan Pablo’s only move. #bachelor

– Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) February 11, 2014

  How many different forms of water has Juan Pablo made out in this season? Let me count the ways.

Juan Pablo has made out in a jacuzzi, a pool, the ocean, a waterfall, & a boat floating on water. He’s a 5 tool player. #bachelor – Aaron Flener (@AFlenerKSR) February 11, 2014

As many people pointed out to me on twitter, the operative word in that tweet is “tool.”

  *Clare told Juan Pablo in her past experience guys haven’t always wanted to talk about tough situations. They just bolt. Juan Pablo, speaker of English as a 1/2 language, couldn’t wrap his mind around the meaning of this word. This blew my mind.

Juan Pablo didn’t know what the word “bolt” meant. I repeat. He did not know what “bolt” meant. #bachelor – Aaron Flener (@AFlenerKSR) February 11, 2014

 

In Juan Pablo’s defense, “bolt” can mean a lot of different things. Lightening, Usain, to leave quickly. Also, that’s how he says “bold.” – Aaron Flener (@AFlenerKSR) February 11, 2014

A bolt can also be something you use to hold furniture or above ground pools together, but 140 characters can only handle so much information about such a complicated word.  Later, Cheslie used the word frazzled and it, well, it frazzled Juan Pablo.

Chelsie, he didn’t know what bolt meant. Don’t even go there with “frazzled.” #bachelor – Aaron Flener (@AFlenerKSR) February 11, 2014

*The next topic of conversation has to be Clare. Clare had a big night. As I said earlier, Clare and Juan Pablo used the motion of the ocean last week in Vietnam. This did not sit well with Juan Pablo when he realized “crap, my daughter is going to see this.” He always knows this, but he isn’t smart so he forgets. Anyways, Clare states that she is concerned about what happened in Vietnam. She states it a lot. Here are a couple of funny reactions from Matt and Turkey Hunter:

“I am really upset about what happened in Vietnam”….Claire speaking up for our Veterans – Matt Jones (@MattJonesAussie) February 11, 2014

 

@AFlenerKSR Clare may be fined by the ASPCA if she beats this dead horse much more. – Turkey Hunter (@TurkeyHunterKSR) February 11, 2014

*Nikki and Juan Pablo had an insanely deep start to their conversation. You need scuba gear to get to it. I don’t remember who said what. But it doesn’t really matter. Here it is.

“I kinda like you a lot.” “Why?” “I just do.” The depth, you guys. – Aaron Flener (@AFlenerKSR) February 11, 2014

Luckily, it got better and they ended up on the same page.

Nikki says she just wants her happy ending. She and Juan Pablo have so much in common. #bachelor

– Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) February 11, 2014

 

*Cassandra, better known as Rodney Stuckey’s baby mamma, turned 22 on tonight’s episode. Sadly, it was not an episode she would survive.

It’s Cassandra’s 22nd Birthday! In 3 years her car insurance will go down. #bachelor – Aaron Flener (@AFlenerKSR) February 11, 2014

 

I cannot respect the words “I’ve been waiting so long for something special” from a 22 year old NBA dancer. You’ve had it ALL. #bachelor – Aaron Flener (@AFlenerKSR) February 11, 2014

 

How do you send a girl home on her birthday? Cassandra, “will you please accept this plane ticket home?”

– Matt Jones (@MattJonesAussie) February 11, 2014

 

Poor Cassandra. Juan truly is the loneliest number.

– Turkey Hunter (@TurkeyHunterKSR) February 11, 2014

 

And on that note, we’re done here.

@AFlenerKSR