***Dickie-V Exclusive***

KSR”s own John Wilkinson was lucky enough to sit down with ESPN’s own puppet, Dick Vitale. Read as Vitale gives his brutally honest opinion on some of college basketball’s toughest issues…or something like that.

Wilkinson: Mr. Vitale, on behalf of KSR, it’s a pleasure to…

Vitale: Ohh, it’s great to be on in Kentucky. The fans here have so much passion, so much excitiement, they absoultely love their Wildcats. Hey, where’s Ashley Judd? I thought Ashley Judd was going to be here!

Wilkinson: Uhh, she couldn’t make it, she’s currently feeding a sick puppy in war-torn Cambodia.

Vitale: Ohh! What a super human being. She lives with such passion, such grace! She’s awesome Baby! Even I can see how beautiful she is, and hey, I’ve only got one eye baby!

Wilkinson: Yes, we know, but we’ll let People Magazine take care of her. Let me ask you about Tubby Smith and…

Vitale: Ohhh! Orlando Tubby Smith. The most underappreciated coach in the nation! The guy wins almost 30 games a year and the Kentucky faithful want him outta here! It’s absurd John!

Wilkinson: Actually most UK fans don’t want him to leave and we are grateful of the success he’s brought to the program…but thanks for saying that during every broadcast.

Vitale: Hey, I heard a stat today that will blow your mind! Did you know Jayson Williams graduated from Duke in three years? Duke in three years! That’s unbelievable Baby! To play at such a high level on the court, and excell in the classroom like that, are you serious?! He’s super scentilating…”

Wilkinson: Sensational I know. That was like three years ago Dick, but thanks. Moving along…

Vitale: But let me talk about Coach K. He coaches with such passion, such class. He’s the best to grace the sidelines I’ve ever seen! And have you ever seen a man look so sexy in a suit! He’s a genious, He’s the greatest, I…love him…

Wilkinson: Weird. Umm, moving along, since we’re in Lexington, let me ask you about the emerging play of Brandon Stockton and what it…

Vitale: Brandon Stockton! He’s unbelievable Baby! Kentucky fans give him no respect. Let me say this, before it’s all said in done, he just may be the best player in the nation. I truly mean it! He plays with such…

Wilkinson: Passion, yes, I know. Nevermind. Let me ask you about UK’s glaring hole in the paint. Shag…

Vitale: Shagari Alleyene?! Are you kidding me! He’s sensational, and the UK fans give him no support. No Love baby! He may go down as one of the best players to ever put on a Kentucky uniform. But hey, I want to talk about Rajon Rondo. If he goes pro, he’ll be jeopardizing his entire life! Stay in school son, stay in school! Look at players like Tim Duncan, and…Tim Duncan who stayed all four years and polished their game. There’s nothing like the passion, the pagentry, the grand spectacle that is college basketball baby! Hey, I can’t believe we’re getting paid for this!

Wilkinson: Well, I’m not getting paid, but can I borrow some money before you go?

Vitale: Speaking of borrowing money, Randolph Morris will go down as a prime example of the negative consequences of turning pro early. He should have stayed in school! Get a degree, college is such a great experience! How can you pass up having to go to class and being broke for millions of dollars, how?! His life is ruined, just like Kevin Garnett and LeBron James!

Wilkinson: Thank you Dick for your always original, and hard-nosed insight. I’m going to bed, that is if the ringing in my ears ever subsides. Thanks, and Good luck calling some Duke game this week.