Letters from Camp

Hello, friends. I hope you're well and finding some reprieve from this oppressive heat. Here, take my handkerchief. You look a little bit sweaty. No, seriously, you're sweating all over the place. I think you're ruining my couch. Just take care of that, okay? It's gross. Friends, as we sit in the middle of a hot July, we all know there's little to know NCAA basketball action going on right now. There are, however, a number of camps being run over the summer by our favorite NCAA coaches, as this is the season for such events. From the "Michael Jordan Flight School" ($760 for three days, which includes an all-you-can-eat cafeteria) to the Miami Heat Basketball Day Camp ($315, which includes amenities like "air-conditioned gymnasiums" and "surprises"), tis the season for young people to sharpen their skills on the court for a new year of play. Today, I thought we might look at some letters home our moles in these various camps have intercepted in an effort to learn more about what goes on inside these mini-schools of basketball expertise. I also think we'll call it, for lack of a better title, "Letters from Camp." Shall we see what we have in the bag, folks? Yes, we certainly show. Have a great Friday, friends, and a stellar weekend. ------ Dear Dad and Mom, I really like Little Hoosier Basketball Academy. Coach Crean is really nice. He teaches us about shooting the basketball and how to make a layup. Yesterday day an old man came to visit and talk to us. He looked nice like Grandpa but he was really mean. He threw a coffee mug at my friend for talking and he used a lot of bad words. I hope he doesn't come back again. Feed my fish while I am gone please. Kyle ------ Dear Mom, It's only day two of the Tony Barbee Basketball School and I miss home already. How is Sparky? I hope you're walking him every night. Today was a full day. We got up early and all went to the gym first thing, where we watched Coach Barbee eat breakfast and read the paper. Then some counselors tossed out three basketballs and said it was time to play basketball and left. Coach Barbee made some phone calls from a folding chair while we organized ourselves into small groups and did some layup drills. I walked over to Coach Barbee and asked how I was doing. He looked at me and said I was doing "fine." It was awesome! After lunch we watched a grainy video of Auburn vs. UNLV in the West Regional Semifinals from 1986. Coach Barbee was eating some yogurt and Gene Chizik came into the room and took it from him. That afternoon the power went out for a little while, and when we got to the cafeteria for dinner the football camp kids had already eaten all the good stuff. I have learned a lot, but mostly that I think I'm going to try out for the school football team this year. Having a great time! Say hi to Dad for me too! Love, Jim ----- Dear Dad, I am having a great time at the University of Cincinnati Basketball Camp and I am glad I came. I am learning a lot, like how to front and when to bring it. You should see my new tattoo. My campmates are nice but some are straight up bustas who are always stepping to me. I just take out the trash. They need to check they self. I don't know why they are beefing. I'm going 730 on the rim all day long. It is straight balla. Also I am learning a lot of new words from the counselors. Can't wait to play my new jams for you when I get home. Don't hate, Tommy (T-Skeezy) ----- Dear Mom, Dad and Madison, I really like the Coach K Duke Basketball Camp. The Nike guy was really nice. The Under Amor guy was really funny too. I got all kinds of new Gatorade stuff like hats and wristbands, I will bring you something. Coach K gave a speech about character yesterday. It was really good but kind of boring. Then we learned about how to make a YouTube mixtape on the computer. I got a nice new haircut. Some guys here say they want to talk to you about my future. I don't know when we are going to play basketball. Maybe tomorrow. Talk to you soon! Your son, Brian ----- Dear Mom, I don't think I want to come back to the Bruce Pearl Basketball Camp next year. This Days Inn is kind of dirty and we have to keep stopping our drills when cars drive through the parking lot. Yesterday for lunch I got a bag of Cheetos and some Hi-C. Coach Pearl came up to me yesterday and asked me if we have any yardwork that needs to be done. I told him I would ask you but he just kept talking about it. He said he would do it for cheap. He asked me if we have a guest room. I pretended I had to go to the bathroom so I wouldn't have to talk to him anymore. He makes me sort of sad. My free t-shirt says "Jensen Family Reunion 1994" on it and I think it has been worn before. I hope next year I can go to the real Tennessee Basketball Camp. Please come pick me up when you get this letter. Love, Alex