Mark Stoops Spent Monday Getting Measured For Statue

by:Harold Leeder•09/11/18

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Kentucky Football Coach Mark Stoops stands in his office as an artist makes quick sketches of him in the corner. As the artist draws an assistant wraps a thin tape measurer around the coaches waist recording measurements while Coach Stoops looks at two samples of marble held up by another assistant. “I’ll take the Carrara marble,” Stoops says as the assistant tucks away the unchosen piece of dark onyx.

“It took 26 years for Michelangelo to build the David,” artist Donna Tello. “This was 31 years in the making so it’s going to have to be a heck of a statue.” Tello goes on to say that she was not even officially commissioned by anyone for the statue. “As soon as Kentucky beat Florida on Saturday night I just started sketching, someone will pay for this.”

Like a hiker who conquered Everest, like a Michelin Star chef, like my aunt that has tried everything at Golden Corral, there is only one question for a UK football coach that has beaten Florida, ‘what do I do now?’ The coach briefly considered retirement after accomplishing an unthinkable goal. “I guess I thought maybe I’d spend some time with my family, or fish and play golf? Maybe I’d finally fix that darned screen door.” After a few hours of contemplation Stoops ultimately decided against retirement and will return to practice today.

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“I feel like I still have some unfinished business,” said the coach with the ghostly complexion. “We’re just getting started here bro.” It was unclear to this reporter whether or not the coach was referring to just getting started achieving things with the UK Football program or if he was dictating the insignia at the bottom of the statue.

As for where the statue will reside; Mayor Jim Gray thinks he’s got the perfect open spot for a statue downtown.

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