Mascot Madness Power Rankings (Round One)

Bracket time brings out all sorts of colorful people, doesn’t it? There’s the guy who goes all chalk in his picks; the “upset points” guy; the guy who knows nothing about basketball, guesses, and somehow wins; and my personal favorite, the guy who makes picks solely based on each team’s mascot. There’s nothing purer than a mascot bracket, even if it winds up with the Drexel Dragons going all the way.

This year, after watching the upset-filled mania of the past few days, I got to thinking: could a mascot bracket really win it all? And sure enough, my mascot bracket is beating my actual bracket by one point after round one (but let’s be honest, that’s not saying much).

In honor of that fact–and to help any future mascot-lovers achieve victory–I’ve decided to track the success of each type of mascot in this year’s dance. These are the scientifically power-ranked results through the first round of play.

1. Random Mammals (8-4)

A note on divisions: based on standard deviation, I’ve divided our mammals into three categories — cats, dogs and everyone else. This is everyone else. Teams included are the UCLA Bruins, VCU Rams, Grand Canyon Antelopes, Michigan Wolverines, Colorado Buffaloes, Texas Longhorns, Baylor Bears, Wisconsin Badgers, Arkansas Razorbacks, Oregon State Beavers and UNC Tar Heels (lumped in by default for the whole ram thing).

It was a very good week for the mammals, starting at the top. Both one-seeds (Michigan and Baylor) cruised, as did Arkansas and Colorado. They pulled off a number of key B-themed upsets as well between the Beavers, Bruins and Badgers. The only real hiccup was Texas, who dropped a brutal buy-game against the cat mascots by virtue of losing to Abilene Christian. Things are shaping up quite well for this group’s chances going forward.

2. Cat Mascots (6-3)

Never bet against a Wildcat in March. Even absent Kentucky and Arizona, the Wildcat group was well-represented by Villanova and Abilene Christian this year, both of whom advanced. They were joined in felinity by the Texas Southern Tigers, Missouri Tigers, Ohio Bobcats, LSU tigers, BYU Cougars, Clemson Tigers and Houston Cougars.

Besides the success of the Wildcats, the Cats were really dragged down by the muddling Tiger group (Texas Southern, Missouri, LSU and Clemson), who went just 2-3 in the first three days of the tournament. The Cougars split the difference in their two games, so it really came down to Ohio to make or break this round. They came through against Virginia, so the Cats are still in good shape–but their deep run potential is limited, with just one top-four seed remaining (Houston).

3. Bird Mascots (5-5)

In a normal year, the Birds are always in the thick of it thanks to the Kansas Jayhawks alone. This time, after the trouble they had with the Eagles of Eastern Washington, no one’s sure what to expect. Also sharing the Bird umbrella are the Creighton Bluejays, Oregon Ducks, Iowa Hawkeyes, Hartford Hawks, Oral Roberts Golden Eagles, Winthrop Eagles, Morehead State Eagles and the Virginia Tech Hokies (correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe this is a turkey).

The Eagle group had a tough task from the jump this year, as all four representatives received double-digit seeds. Still, Oral Roberts managed to do their part. Creighton pulled out a squeaker against UCSB, Oregon won by COVID forfeit, and Iowa had little trouble with grand Canyon. As you can see, the Birds are heavily concentrated in the West region, possibly due to migration patterns. Whatever the reason, though they’ve done alright, I don’t think it bodes well for their championship chances.

T-4. Violent People (5-7)

The most perennially diverse and well-represented of mascot categories would have to be the Violent People. They’ve got everything from ancient Greek warriors to hot-shootin’ cowpokes. Personally, I define it as any human mascot that’s characterized by their proclivity for violence. This year, their ranks included the Norfolk State Spartans, Michigan State Spartans, Virginia Cavaliers, UCSB Gauchos, USC Trojans, UNCG Spartans, Colgate Raiders, Texas Tech Red Raiders, Oklahoma State Cowboys, Rutgers Scarlet Knights and Cleveland State Vikings.

The largest sub-species in this group is the Spartans, who managed to pick up one play-in win but went 0-2 in the round of 64 (Michigan State lost their play-in game). The Raiders split, as did the multiethnic Cowboys (a Gaucho is a South American cowboy, Google tells me). If it wasn’t for USC and Rutgers, they’d really be in trouble. As it is, they’re hanging around, if by a thread. Their best chance presumably lies with Oklahoma State.

T-4. Normal People (5-7)

Coming in dead even with the Violent People are their less aggressive cousins, the Normal People. For this one, I count any human mascot whose nature is not inherently violent in my view. That includes the Appalachian State Mountaineers, Mount Saint Mary’s Mountaineers, Oklahoma Sooners, Florida State Seminoles, Iona Gaels, Illinois Illini, Loyola Ramblers, San Diego State Aztecs, West Virginia Mountaineers, Utah State Aggies, Purdue Boilermakers and Wichita State Shockers.

The first thing of note here, to me, is the quantity of Mountaineers. Are there really that many mountains in need of conquering on college campuses? Regardless, they went 1-2 overall. It was the Indigenous Peoples who carried this category, as Florida State, Illinois and SDSU went 2/3 in round one. Also, shoutout/callout to the “employee group” of Wichita State (those who shock crops), Purdue (those who make boilers) and Utah State (literally just ag students, as far as I can tell) for going 0-3. Frankly, Illinois was the only real contender here, and we know how that ended today.

6. Dog Mascots (2-5)

Oh, those silly dogs. Where are the UMBC retrievers when we need them? The canine crop is pretty small this year, even if we include the technicalities that use dog mascots, as I have here. It all adds up to the Gonzaga Bulldogs, Drake Bulldogs, UConn Huskies, Georgetown Hoyas, St. Bonaventure Bonnies and Tennessee Volunteers.

They haven’t done so hot, either. Outside of title favorite Gonzaga, the puppy dogs lost every single first-round game (1-5 overall, plus Drake’s First Four win). With that said, they still have the best chance of anyone at producing a champion because the Zags are just that good.

Honorable Mentions

Reptiles (2-1) – They didn’t quite qualify by numbers, but the Florida Gators, Maryland Terrapins and Drexel Dragons did just fine, all things considered.

Literal Colors (2-0) – It’s a good time to be a Literal Color. Both the Syracuse Orange and North Texas Mean Green are undefeated thus far.

Misc. (1-3) – I went ahead and threw the Alabama Crimson Tide in here, which saved the winless trifecta of Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, Liberty Flames and Ohio State Buckeyes (literally a tree) from infamy.

Stay posted throughout the tournament for exclusive updates to these very important, not at all meaningless power rankings.