My Top Five Rage Quits of the Week

Urban Dictionary defines “rage quit” as the moment “when overwhelming rage…drives you into such madness, you quit…doing whatever the hell it is you’re doing.” While the term is most often associated with the online gaming community, it can apply to just about any experience or activity in daily life. Rage quits occur whenever you get so frustrated, exasperated or pissed off about something that you quit the game, close a browser window to avoid watching another second of a stupid video, or just walk away from a person who is gnawing on your very last nerve. I have no problem admitting that I am a rage-quit king. It’s something about which I am neither proud nor ashamed. And I know there are others out there like me, so hopefully reading about my struggles will encourage you to share your own. Here, then, are my top five rage quits of the week. 1. A Game of NBA2K14 Versus a 14-Year Old Kid I’m married and have a kid, which means the only time I get to play video games any more is late at night after everyone else has gone to bed and I stay up playing XBOX like it’s a shameful activity from which my family’s innocence must be shielded. When you’re in your 20s and can ditch class or call in sick to work to spend 72 uninterrupted hours honing your skills at the latest release, you get pretty good at video games. As you get older, and silly responsibilities like being a loving, attentive husband and father start eating up every waking moment, you get a whole lot worse at video games. But do you know who’s the best ever at video games? Spoiled kids who don’t have a worry in the world and can spend the entire summer breaking games and finding those little cheats that make them unbeatable. Those are the kids I always seem to run up against when I play online. On Monday, l played a game of NBA2K14 against a 14-year old punk who started talking trash the second the game started. The matchup featured his Chicago Bulls versus my Denver Nuggets. Given the disparity in talent between the two ball clubs, I figured I’d have to play my best to keep it close, but I had no idea what this kid had in store for me. Over the course of the game, he did nothing but give the ball to Derrick Rose, drive the lane, spam his dribble moves and score layup after dunk after fade away jumper. No matter what I did — double teams, triple teams, man defense, zone defense, intentional fouls — I couldn’t stop the little pixelated version of D. Rose. By the end of the third quarter, #1 had put up 48 points on his own, my Nuggets trailed by 15, and my blood pressure was through the roof. So how did I respond? Did I call a timeout, tinker with my lineup and try to crack the code to slowing down Chicago’s finest? Nope. I screamed at my TV, punched my couch as hard I as could and — while my foul-mouthed, snickering, snot-nosed opponent soared once more toward the basket with Rose — I yanked the cord to the XBOX out of the wall and disconnected. It was an all-around classic rage quit.   2. The Lyric Video for Timber by Pitbull ft. Ke$ha http://youtu.be/EQzXwcZS-FU The latest single from Pitbull — a serpentine sea creature who somehow manages to walk upright, breathe oxygen and wear shiny clothes intended for human beings — is definitive proof that targeting country music fans is the last thing a performer does before he or she circles the drain and disappears into pop culture obscurity. Surprisingly, I didn’t rage quit this video the second I discovered it was a Pitbull song featuring Hollywood trash-pop goddess Ke$ha.  In fact, this is exactly the kind of pop song I love — a catchy, over-produced glob of syrup that is completely disposable and which has little to no redeemable value. You know why? Because my favorite thing in life is to get tipsy and watch the cheesy countdown shows on New Year’s Eve. This is the type of song that is often trotted out as one of the featured performances during those shows. Can’t you just picture Pitbull all bundled up in his flashy winter clubbing gear and ill-fitting shades, rocking that weird little mustache of his, pretending to be really psyched to be standing outside in the miserable cold of Times Square at midnight while Ke$ha flails around next to him lip-syncing the chorus? Gah! I can hardly wait. It’s going to be glorious. Anyway, the rage quit came around the 1:45 mark when Ke$ha starts spitting out a bunch of “Whoas” and “Ohs” and the creators (transcribers?) of the video decided they needed to visually represent those “lyrics” by throwing a relentless flood of Os on the screen. I get that this is a “lyrics video,” but literally spelling out every syllable of Ke$ha’s nonsensical wailings instantly turned this into one of those terrible filler videos that play when you pick a song to sing during karaoke night at your local watering hole. I can’t stand to watch those things play when I’m out at a bar, so there’s no chance I’m going to subject myself to watching one at home when I can click that beautiful little “X” in the corner of my browser window. So long, Pitbull! See you on New Year’s Eve!   3. The “Hands on Head in Disbelief” Reaction Pose of Several UK Players During the Michigan State Game True, there were plenty of things that could have prompted a look of utter disbelief during Tuesday’s #1 vs. #2 matchup in Chicago: the ticky-tack foul calls, the excessive turnovers, the 21-2 fast break point differential, seeing Julius Randle telegraph yet another spin move, etc. But after about the fifth time a Kentucky player put his hands on his head and looked around in shock, I was ready to rage quit that pose forever. Not the team. Not even the game. Just that almost comically wide-eyed, flabbergasted look that screams, “What the heck just happened?!” I don’t care if Julius Randle mean-mugs every ref in America, or if Andrew Harrison punches the basket support the next time someone scores off a backdoor lob over his head. Anything would be less aggravating than the Wile E. Coyote-after-discovering-that-pesky-Roadrunner-outsmarted-him-yet-again pose we saw way too much of Tuesday night. Let’s hope it’s something we don’t see again this season, unless it’s from the opposing team.   4. A Subway Sandwich I Ate for Lunch Yesterday I knew this sandwich was going to be a complete disaster as I watched the dude at Subway put it together. If Subway considers their employees “sandwich artists” and their number one stunner is the Picasso of meat, cheese and bread, than the guy who made my ham and turkey on wheat was basically a bored toddler with a black crayon scribbling on the wall as hard as he could. The meat wasn’t folded neatly (and I’m pretty sure he shorted me two pieces of ham). He ripped every piece of cheese in half trying to peel it off of the block, and I had to point out that he left a piece of that gross, waxy paper on the back of one of the slices. He used enough lettuce to choke a rabbit, but acted like there was a worldwide shortage of olives when I asked him to add those to the mix. And his mayo squirting skills were just plain offensive. As soon as I picked it up I could tell the bread was at least a day old, so it only took two bites before I rage quit lunch, wrapping the monstrosity in the wrapper from which it came and unceremoniously dumping it in the garbage slot on my way out the door. Just a complete “F-minus” effort from start to finish. I’ve never rage quit a meal before, and it felt awesome. I highly recommend it.   5. This Video About a High School Football Coach Who Never Punts http://youtu.be/AGDaOJAYHfo Over on their YouTube channel, Grantland posted this short feature about Coach Kevin Kelley of Pulaski Academy in Little Rock, Arkansas. Kelley fancies himself a football contrarian, using statistics and lessons gleaned from Malcolm Gladwell books to shape a game plan that includes never punting the ball and kicking on-sides kicks every time until the game is decided one way or another. I didn’t rage quit this video because I think his system is hogwash or an affront to the tried and true traditions of the game. No, I rage quit this video because I’ve been running this offense in Madden XBOX online games for the last 10 years but I’ve never once gotten an ounce of recognition for it. Fourth and two from midfield? Go for it. Fourth and 18 from my own 3-yard line with my back-up quarterback running the show? Go for it. Down 40 points in the fourth quarter? Onside kick. Up 40? Onside kick. So Coach Kelley runs the system with and against a bunch of high school kids. Big deal. I use it to ruthlessly go for the jugular against anyone and everyone — men, women, senior citizens and 8-year old kids. Where the hell is my Grantland documentary, Bill Simmons?   @TheSEShepherd