The NBA Playoffs Villainy Index

The first thing they teach you in writing school is that every story needs a good villain. Batman has the Joker; college basketball has Coach K; the NFL has Roger Goodell; no matter the setting, you need a good antagonist to make a thing hum. And the NBA, of course, is no exception.

With professional basketball’s premier event booting up this past weekend, it’s time we all moved on from the disappointment that was March Madness. The NBA Playoffs are here, and they offer no shortage of drama. But if you’re like me, picking a horse this time of year can be a challenge. Who among these spoiled rich adult men is deserving of your support?

That I can’t tell you. But what I can offer, to any self-respecting UK fan, is a complete guide of who not to pull for. KSR Presents: the 2022 NBA Playoffs Villainy Index.

The Rules

As you read on — if you read on — you may find yourself wondering, “what is the point of this?” The answer: science. (Also, if you’re surprised by this level of inanely biased drivel, you must be new here.) But to be clear, this is a purely mathematical exercise.

The formula is as follows, based on each player’s collegiate point of origin:

• +1 point for villainous college (Duke, UNC, UofL, Kansas, Indiana, Tennessee or Florida)
• +0.5 points for SEC rival college (everyone outside of UT and UF)
• +1 point for villainous college legacy (eliminated UK in March, beat UK multiple times, etc.)
• +2 points for villainous coach
• +0.5 points for miscellaneous ties to villainy
• Negative points for any UK players (x2 if they start), coaches, owners or otherwise heroic figures

The result is then factored into a 15-point matrix representing the average NBA roster to yield a percentage. That percentage is their Villainy Index. Still with me?

Great, let’s get started.

16. Minnesota Timberwolves: 17% Heroic

If you’re looking for an unproblematic squad to root for, start here. The Minnesota Timberwolves are the least-villainous team in the league. Between Karl-Anthony Towns and Jarred Vanderbilt, they’re the only team in the Playoffs that boasts multiple Wildcats in their starting lineup. The dynamic duo eats up the bulk of the minutes in the frontcourt for Minnesota, with the latter’s defensive energy perfectly complementing the former’s offensive versatility.

They have one of the most palatable rosters out there for UK fans. The only players who even showed up on the villainy matrix were SEC alums Anthony Edwards (Georgia), Pat Beverly (Arkansas) and Naz Reid (LSU), with each earning just half a point. That’s still a +2.5 in the books, putting them firmly on the right side of our arbitrary Mendoza line. Go Wolves!

15. Denver Nuggets: 10% Heroic

The Nuggets are another solidly likable team. If you can just look past Dukie Austin Rivers, the only objectionable names are JaMychal Green (Alabama) and Michael Porter Jr. (Missouri). Throw in an injured starter in Jamal Murray, and of course our good friend Boogie Cousins, and you’re in business.

BONUS POINTS: I threw in a half-point for Bryn Forbes, the Michigan State alum who bounced Rick Pitino and Louisville in the 2015 Elite Eight. Good deeds are not forgotten.

14. Phoenix Suns: 3% Heroic

Phoenix is Devin Booker‘s town, and no matter how you feel about Chris Paul, that does a lot. They would be higher if not for UNC product Cameron Johnson‘s negative impact, but they remain in positive standing. Also, I threw in a minus-0.5 for Landry Shamet on account of his general vibe and presence on the 2017 Wichita State team that gave Kentucky a game in the Round of 32. Get outta here, Shamet.

13. Miami Heat: 0% Villainous

I expected the Heat to rate higher, given their South Beach Kentucky Alumni Club reputation. No doubt, Pat Riley runs a tight ship — and between Bam Adebayo and Tyler Herro, he has a certain fondness for drafting ‘Cats. I also gave Miami credit for signing Mychal Mulder to a two-way deal that could land him on the playoff roster at some point, depending on the team’s health.

However, there are a few things here we can’t overlook. Udonis Haslem (Florida) is a -2. Markieff Morris (Kansas) is a -1. And lest we forget, Victor Oladipo played a big role in Indiana’s 2012 regular season court-storming debacle, earning him a -2. Put it all together and you’ve got a net-zero in the scoring column, making them perfectly neutral.

12. Memphis Grizzlies: 3% Villainous

Now it gets interesting. Credit to the Grizzlies for trading Grayson Allen last year, saving themselves from a world of trouble. That just leaves Tyus Jones‘ -1 on the books, which is negligible, especially if you’re a fan of Ja Morant. Of the teams without any UK representation, Memphis is easily the strongest choice.

BONUS POINTS: Tayshaun Prince has worked in the Grizzlies front office since 2017, rising to Vice President of Basketball Affairs in 2019. That’s worth at least half a point, right?

11. Atlanta Hawks: 13% Villainous

The Hawks are building a reputation as one of the NBA’s more villainous teams, led by basketball’s answer to Dick Dastardly, Trae Young. But I always liked him in college, and I have no anti-Oklahoma bias, so the best I can do there is half a point. But I am happy to dock them for rostering Gorgui Dieng (Louisville), Jalen Johnson (Duke) and Skylar Mays (LSU), which is more than enough to override Kevin Knox‘s contributions off the bench. Pick the Hawks at your own peril.

10. Golden State Warriors: 17% Villainous

The Warriors are another team with a villainous reputation, if for no other reason than their habit of winning the thing every dang year. But since Kevin Durant left town, they’ve become rather likable. I’ve got -1 for Damion Lee (Louisville), -1 for Andrew Wiggins (Kansas), and -0.5 each for Moses Moody and Quinndary Weatherspoon (Arkansas and Mississippi State).

BONUS POINTS: Half-credit for Kalenna Azuibuke, Warriors TV color commentator.

9. Philadelphia 76ers: 23% Villainous

An unfortunate Tennessee connection drags the Sixers down, between Tobias Harris and Jaden Springer. There’s also UNC product Danny Green, who gets a double penalty for the harm he did to Billy Gillespie’s ‘Cats. And of course, Joel Embiid gets a minus-one for his Kansas ties. But Tyrese Maxey is doing everything in his power to brand this team positively, and I think we should support that effort.

T7. Toronto Raptors/Dallas Mavericks: 33% Villainous

Neither of these teams harbors a major Kentucky villain, but they don’t have much good to offer, either. Toronto employs a Blue Devil in Gary Trent Jr., a Jayhawk in Svi Mykhailiuk, and a Hoosier in OG Anunoby that ended Tyler Ulis’ UK career in 2016. Similarly, Dallas has Florida Gator Dorian Finney-Smith and a pair of Tar Heels in Reggie Bullock and Theo Pinson, the latter of whom was an accomplice to Luke Maye’s infamous 2017 villain moment. Actually, the thought of him even knowing Luke Maye makes me a little upset. Thirty-three percent, final answer.

6. Brooklyn Nets: 40% Villainous

After all these years, Kevin Durant remains one of the greatest villains in NBA lore for what he did to Oklahoma City. But like Trae Young, without a UK connection, I can’t give him more than half a point. What I can do is rip the Nets for playing two Duke players in Kyrie Irving (’nuff said) and Seth Curry, who I won’t forgive for burying UK in their first loss post-championship in 2012. As far as I’m concerned, everything that happened after is really his fault.

Brooklyn also rosters several SEC players in Ben Simmons (LSU), Nic Claxton (Georgia) and Cam Thomas (LSU), plus UNC’s Day’Ron Sharpe. A truly prolific collection of noxious dudes.

5. Milwaukee Bucks: 47% Villainous

In Giannis Antetokounmpo, Milwaukee has an excellent cover to masquerade as a likable team. He’s one of the most genuine players in the league, and his efforts leading them to a Larry O’Brien Trophy last year were nothing short of heroic. But don’t be fooled: the Bucks are sinister from head to toe.

It’s not just Bobby Portis, who was a perfect SEC villain at Arkansas and plays the same part as a pro. It’s Jordan Nwora (Louisville), Pat Connaughton (Notre Dame… remember that guy?) and Wes Matthews (knocked UK out of the 2008 tournament while at Marquette). And of course, there’s Grayson Allen, the greatest college villain of the past decade. He scored the highest of any single player on the matrix, earning a -3 for what he did at Duke plus two miscellaneous dings because I just can’t stand him. Did I mention this is scientific?

4. Chicago Bulls: 50% Villainous

The Bulls sneak in just ahead of their first-round opponent on the strength of their nefarious leadership. Billy Donovan will forever be a college basketball villain in my book, and he costs them two points here. They also get -1 for Lonzo Ball (UCLA), -1.5 for Alex Caruso (Texas A&M), and -3 between Tony Bradley and Coby White (UNC). Anyway, while we’re here…

3. New Orleans Pelicans: 60% Villainous

Welcome to the Big Easy, a.k.a. “Duke South” (Yes, I know Duke is already in the South. Just roll with it, okay?). Brandon Ingram and Zion Williamson carry one heck of a villainous load for the Pels, especially given Williamson’s role in that regular-season game-that-shall-not-be-named. After them, Devonte’ Graham nets a -2 for beating the ‘Cats multiple times at Kansas, and Auburn’s Jared Harper pulls a -1.5 for sabotaging P.J. Washington & co. in the 2019 Elite Eight. The Pelicans also carry Garrett Temple (LSU), Herb Jones and Kira Lewis Jr. (Alabama), and I took off an additional point for Jose Alvarado (Georgia Tech) with respect to the “they didn’t even practice” game in 2020. Too soon? Yeah, I agree.

BONUS POINTS: I was going to dock them an additional half-point for hiring Corey Brewer as a player development coach, but it’s canceled out of respect for C.J. McCollum‘s Lehigh 30-piece that upset Duke in 2012. Good deeds, etc.

2. Boston Celtics: 67% Villainous

Finally, we cross the two-thirds threshold with Boston. It should surprise no one (particularly if you’re over 40, or saw last night’s episode Winning Time), but the Celtics are just about as villainous as it gets. The latest edition is led by Duke’s Jayson Tatum and Florida’s Al Horford, with a special 2.5-point contribution from legendary Tennessee flopper Grant Williams. They also have a pair of Vanderbilt products (Luke Kornet, Aaron Nesmith), which feels perfectly on-brand, and Robert Williams of Texas A&M.

Additional subtractions go to Juwan Morgan (’16 Indiana), and Marcus Smart (Oklahoma State) for his own legacy as a mid-tier college basketball villain. And just for good measure, I threw in half a point for TV analyst Brian Scalabrine (USC). If you thought we’d forget that 2001 Sweet 16 game, you’d be wrong.

1. Utah Jazz: 70% Villainous

Surprised? You shouldn’t be. Let’s run down just a few of the crimes against basketball that this organization has committed:

• Head Coach Quin Snyder: played point guard on Mike Krzyzewski’s first three Final Four teams (1986, ’88 and ’89).
• Minority Owner Dwyane Wade: helped LeBron James form an evil superteam in Miami, knocked UK out of the 2003 Elite Eight at Marquette, and blatantly sabotaged the integrity of the dunk contest that one time.
• F/C Rudy Gobert: made fun of the COVID-19 threat by touching a bunch of microphones.

And those are just the tangential offenses. Don’t forget their best player, Donovan Mitchell, went to Louisville; their sixth man, Danuel House Jr., was an All-SEC performer at Texas A&M; and their veteran leader, Rudy Gay, knocked UK out of the 2006 tournament while at UConn. If you look at their injured list, that group expands to include Udoka Azubuike (Kansas) and Xavier Sneed (Kansas State), who scored 22 points to beat Kentucky in the 2018 Elite Eight. This is serious stuff.

The NBA Playoffs are a lot of fun. You should watch it, and you should root for whoever you like. But please… don’t ever be the guy that picks the Jazz.