Because It's Friday, and It's Late April : Five Short Plays About Bobby Petrino

(Interior, a bar, nighttime) Bobby Petrino: Hey baby, you like motorcycles? Jessica Dorrell: Oh Bobby, I don't know about that. Petrino: I got a brand new, grade-A bike out there in the parking lot. How about you go take a ride on it with me? Dorrell: Well, I've never ridden on a motorcycle before. Petrino: Let's hit the road, then. Dorrell: Okay. Are you sure it's safe? Petrino: Sure it is. You know I wouldn't put you in harm's way. And how hard can it be to ride a motorcycle, anyway? -------- (Interior, a bar, nighttime) Petrino: Did I tell you about my new motorcycle? It's out there in the parking lot. Dorrell: Oh Bobby! You're just like Fonzie. Petrino: I know. Aaayyyy... Dorrell: That's so sexy! Petrino: Sit on it! Hey Mrs. C! What's up Richie? Dorrell: I swear you sound just like him! Petrino: Yeah, I know. It's crazy, isn't it? Dorrell: So let's go see that motorcycle. Petrino: Okay. Maybe we can jump Wilson's Gorge. Dorrell: That sounds exciting! Petrino: Ayyyyy... ------- (Exterior, a parking lot) Petrino: ...And this is the steering thing...And this is where I put the key. Dorrell: You sure do know a lot about motorcycles, Bobby. Petrino: Just a hobby of mine. Dorrell: I think it's sexy. Petrino: Yeah? You want to go for a ride? Dorrell: I'd love to. Petrino: Sounds like fun to me. But if anyone asks, your name is Houston Nutt. Dorrell: But... Petrino: Just put this wig on and keep a low profile, okay? Let's go. ------ (Late night. A phone rings.) Captain Lance King: Hello? Petrino: Lance, it's Bobby! I need your help! Capt. King: What happened, Bobby? Are you alright? Petrino: Not really, man. Jessica and I went down to the zoo and jumped the fence into the polar bear enclosure. It was so stupid. Can you help me? Capt. King: Let me make some calls. Petrino: No one can know about this, Lance. Can I use your shower? I'm covered in polar bear blood. Capt. King: Yes...why...? Petrino: I had to defend myself, Lance. What else was I supposed to do? ----- (Exterior, a parking lot, nighttime) Petrino: (wraps his arms around Jessica Dorrell, pulling her close) You know I love you, right? Dorrell: I love you too, Bobby. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Petrino: I feel the same way. I don't know what I'd do without you in my life. (They kiss, passionately) Dorrell: Okay. Bobby? Petrino: Yeah, sweetie? Dorrell: I hope we work together for the rest of our lives. Petrino: We will, baby. They love me here. Now get into this old barrel full of snakes. Don't worry. My wife's out of town.