Roast A Mascot: Florida Gators

You’ve seen it a million times on the National Geographic channel. An alligator floating slowly, only the crown of its black head cracks the swamp’s stagnant, reflective surface. Subtle ripples, pulsing from the gator’s gentle tread, are the only things keeping it from being completely undetectable. Nearby, an ignorant water dwelling bird stands at the shoreline trying to catch fish. In a flash, the gator springs to action, clutching the bird in its powerful jaws amidst splashing of black water and blood. This is usually when the sophisticated British narrator chimes in to praise the gator for being a fierce and stealthy hunter, as the alligator swims away with its prey.

That scene makes alligators seem cool, right? Well, they’re not.

What this typical Nat Geo documentary fails to mention is the vile manor by which the gator consumes its meal. It’s a lengthy, disgusting process, which starts by the reptile submerging its prey to the swamps bottom. Then the gator lets osmosis soften the deceased animal, until it is soggy enough for the gator to swallow whole. Imagine a human submerging his or her Cinnamon Toast Crunch in milk, letting it turn to mush, then swiftly eating the whole thing at once. Not only would it be a waste of a delicious bowl of cinnamon sugar goodness, it would also be repulsive, unacceptable dining behavior. That’s what gators are, repulsive beasts with no sense of meal time etiquette.

We’re talking about a creature who prefers to spend its time wallowing in mud water that smells like poop and egg farts. This filthy water is the same place they’ve picked to give birth to their children. Children who will hatch into a childhood filled with nothing but fear of being eaten by the parents who gave them life. That’s right, gators are so weak minded and shameless that they’ll resort to eating their own offspring in times of famine.

Trash such as plastic bottles and even license plates have been found in the stomachs of alligator carcasses. Sure, humans are to blame for this, but just because trash exists in their ecosystem, doesn’t mean they have to eat it. I see trash all the time in my habitat, but I’ve never been inclined to consume it. Other species that live in these swampy environments don’t eat trash. So why do gators eat it? Well, because they’re shameless, prehistoric, imbeciles.

Outside of their stomach churning diet, alligators are reptiles, which means they rely on their surroundings to regulate their body temperature. Seems incredibly indolent if you ask me. Instead of being assertive and regulating their own temperature, like superior, evolved mammals do,  they rely on their environment to pick up their slack. Freeloading off the radiant energy from the suns rays giving nothing in return besides enabling the indulgent behavior of the wealthy elite who overpay for gator skin shoes and belts.

American Alligators are some of the oldest extant vertebrates on the planet. They’ve largely remained the same for millions of years. I’ve seen them described as versatile and resilient survivors, virtually unchanged by the arrow of time. If you ask me, those are just nice terms for describing something that is complacent and lazy, an organism unwilling to evolve and leave the squalor they’ve called home for eons. Gators are ok with being disgusting, dirt eating nuisances and should be viewed as such.

I mean, just observe this massive gator move:

What exactly is there to admire here? I can’t decide whether to attribute his glacial pace to his minuscule intelligence or his slothful nature. The thing can’t even take a step without having to think about which leg he’s going to move next. However, I’m sure it is challenging to move with four gallons of trash sloshing around in your stomach. I wonder what’s on the other side of that path…probably his next meal, which is most likely his own kids. Never fear though, by the time he reaches them they’ll likely be his size. What a disgrace.

It’s shocking to me a public university would choose such a nasty animal as the symbol for their athletic program, yet Florida does. In fact, they embrace and cherish, this vile disgusting creature. Their fans cheer and repeatedly clap their arms together, imitating the chomping of the bacteria laced jaws of their favorite reptile, all the while not knowing the disgusting nature of the species they’re imitating. I chuckle at the site of a Florida fan sporting a shirt with the image of a gator head. It’s funny to me because that Florida fan sees an alligator on his shirt, but all I will ever see is mud and trash smeared across his chest.

Gators are gross. Go Cats.