Super-Spooky Halloween Tales!

. Excuse me, young man. I'm a hobo clown and I was wondering if you could tell me how to get to the locomotive station. As you can see, I have all my belongings wrapped in a handkerchief on this stick, and I have tattered gloves, and I just want to hit the open road to HAHAHAHA GOT YOU! It's just me, your old pal Tomlin! Not a hobo clown. I love Halloween. Friends, I don't need to tell you that the season of the witch is upon us, Halloween, with its creepy ghosts and goblins and terror lurking around every corner. As I know you love Halloween as much as I do, I thought I might drop in today with my annual collection of frightening Halloween stories for you to share at your own get-togethers this weekend. Try not to get too scared by them; they are fairly horrifying. Buckle in and prepare to be scared. And have a happy Halloween, everyone. ------- The Scary Houseguest A young couple returned home from a Halloween party one night and retired to the bedroom to go to sleep. An hour later, a knock came at the door. "Humvahamamuh!" a voice mumbled through the door, "huvnanamaaahhh!" The husband bravely opened the door to see a horrifying spectre from his past. "Hammvanamavahamma!" the spectre moaned. "Who is it?" asked his wife, frightened. "It's just Billy Gillispie," said the husband. "He probably wants a ride home or something." "Weird," said the wife. "I thought he went back to Texas." "I did too, to be honest," replied the husband. "But he's out here on the porch." "That's crazy," said the wife. "Yeah, I know," answered the husband. --------- The Phantom Reporter Vanderbilt Football Head Coach Derek Mason sat in his office one afternoon, going through scouting reports, when a reporter knocked at his door and walked into his office. The reporter looked very pale; he had deep-set, dark eyes, and he pierced Derek Mason with an intense gaze. "Coach Mason," he said very hauntingly, "are you pleased with how the team has been playing?" "I think we're playing very good football but getting some tough breaks," said Mason. "Well," said the creepy reporter. "I think the team looks very good." Later, when Mason was meeting with his staff, he asked "Hey, do any of you guys know of a creepy reporter who looks really pale and has a really spooky stare? He came by my office and told me the team looked very good." The room became very quiet as the staff looked around at each other in shock. "Coach, that wasn't just any reporter," said assistant coach Charles Bankins. "That was Keith Handley, the reporter who dresses up to make himself look like a ghost reporter." "Oh, okay," said Mason. "That makes sense now. But why do you all look so scared?" "Because," replied Bankins. "Vanderbilt football hasn't been very good since at least 1982!" --------- A Vision from the Past Mississippi State Basketball Head Coach Rick Ray came out of the locker room to practice and blew his whistle. "Okay, let's get started!" he shouted. The team looked at him in disbelief. "C-Coach, your head!" said Tevin Moore, handing him a mirror. As he peered into the mirror, he shrieked at the horrific visage in the reflection. "Oh, dear God no," he cried. "What is it?" asked Moore. Ray clutched his head, breaking the mirror dropping to his knees, his wails filling Humphrey Coliseum. "It's the ghost of Rick Stansbury's hair!" --------- The Ghost Coaches Bruce Pearl walked through Auburn Arena with the University President, discussing his role as Auburn's new head coach. "We think you'll do great here," said the President, " and we're happy to have you. But I have to warn you, sometimes people say Auburn Arena is haunted by the ghosts of old coaches." "Really?" Asked Pearl. "Yes," said the President. "A janitor once said he saw old Sonny Smith, pacing the sidelines as if he was still coaching a phantom team." Wow," said Pearl. "And once," continued the President, "an administrative assistant said she swears Shug Jordan was standing at the end of one of the halls, looking at old trophies in the case." "Amazing," said Pearl. "One time," said the President, "a player said he saw Bill Lynn standing in that doorway over there, watching him play." "That's unbelievable," said Pearl. "Hey, isn't that Tony Barbee sitting over there in the rafters right now?" "Yes," said the President, "but that's not a ghost. That's really Tony Barbee, he still lives here in the basement and sleeps on a cot." --------- A Mystery on the Farm One autumn, a month before Halloween, a farmer began noticing over the course of several weeks that his chickens and pigs were disappearing from their pens. At first he suspected foxes or coyotes were the culprit, but traps wouldn't stop the disappearances. In the fresh mud near the chicken and pigpens, each morning, he noticed giant footsteps in the ground. Each night the same thing happened; chickens would disappear, giant footsteps would appear in the mud. "Maybe it's Bigfoot," the farmer's wife said. "There's no such thing as Bigfoot," scoffed the farmer. As Halloween approached the disappearances continued, along with the footprints, so the farmer decided one evening to sit up in a chair and find out what was happening. The night grew late, and the farmer fell asleep in his chair only to wake to a noise in the grass. "Who is it? Who's out there?" shouted the farmer into the darkness. His pulse pounded and he was paralyzed with fear to come face to face with whatever waited in the shadows. "Oh, hey, it's just me," said freshman Kentucky center Karl Towns, stepping into the light. "Sometimes I like to take night walks. I hope that's okay that I cut through your farm. Also, I've been meaning to tell you that there's a hole in your fence and I think your chickens and pigs are escaping."