10 Things I Learned In The Talladega Infield

It's with the Monday scaries and a newfound respect for RV living that I return to work after 58 hours in the Talladega Superspeedway infield. I crossed the famous 2.5-mile-long track into the friendly confines of the infield with an open mind and an eagerness to enjoy a friend's bachelor party weekend; I left as a shell of my former self, weakened and broken by all that 'Dega threw at us over the course of our stay. These are my stories. (Some of them.)   1. I don't know any more about racing than I did before, which was nothing. In fact, I didn't see a single car while there during the Friday and Saturday races. Not so much as a glimpse at a moving vehicle on the track during the 200 and 300 or whatever they're called. Unfortunately (or fortunately) we were gone before the actual GEICO 500 began on Sunday, in part because the good people with the Fayette County court system demanded my presence at 8 a.m. jury duty orientation. But also because this fighter had no fight left to fight. 2. RV living was fun on Day 1. It was not so much fun on Days 2 and 3. This was my first trip in an RV, so I was pretty pumped to hit the road in a fancy house on wheels. But when you're traveling with 12 other guys on a bachelor party, almost all of whom are over six-feet tall, RV living can get a little tight. We took two RVs for three RV spaces (so much room for activities) and I'll be more than OK if I never see or smell the inside of an RV again. 3. The RV business is a real racket. It was hard to truly enjoy the drive down (and I wasn't even driving) due to the anxiety that came with renting an RV. Not only does the rental company not offer any insurance, but they make it very clear that the RV is very fragile and will likely be damaged at some point. It didn't help that our two RVs were fresh off the lot and we were the first to use them, which meant any little mark would show up on the bill. But come on... [video width="360" height="640" mp4="http://kentuckysportsradio.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/rv.mp4"][/video] So who wants to start up an RV rental business and get to robbing people? 4. The Talladega shower situation wasn't too bad. Going into it, my expectations of the morning shower scene were very similar to what I'd expect if I ever found myself needing to shower in a federal prison. I've seen all 56 episodes of Oz, twice, so I thought I knew exactly what I'd be getting into in the Talladega infield shower house. But to my surprise, it wasn't too bad. I met Terry from Tampa in line in front of me (it was his first time too) and a friend of mine brought shower beers to pass around as we waited for our turn to rinse off the Alabama red clay and the shame from the day before. After about a 30-minute wait, I was pleased to find that each shower stall provided more room than any one person would ever need, and the water was still piping hot with some unexpectedly strong water pressure to help with the morning recovery. I was very impressed, although not impressed enough to take my sandals off and barefoot it. 5. It only costs $110 to have your own private porta-potty delivered to you for the weekend and I don't know if there is a better way to spend a hard-earned $110. Since we already got a little too private with the shower talk, I might as well tell you about the other restroom situation: you know, using the restroom. It was brought to our attention that for only 110 American dollars you can have a porta-potty delivered to you for your own private use throughout the entire weekend. There has never been a financial decision made faster once we learned that's an option, and the truck delivered a private bathroom within an hour. It was even five bucks cheaper if you paid cash. What a deal. 6. If you have a daughter, don't let her go to Talladega. If you only take one thing away from everything I'm telling you, make it this: do not let your daughter go to Talladega. I don't have a daughter, but even if I did, I wouldn't want her near anywhere in the Southeast United States during Talladega weekend for fear she might decide to go. 7. Rap music was embraced, surprisingly. We can only play Eric Church's "Talladega" so many times in an hour, so we mixed in a little Kanye and a little Rick Ross to keep our sanity and team morale up. I was worried it would piss off the old guys in the Arkansas t-shirts parked next to us, but they didn't seem to mind too much. I know they didn't mind because, if they did, we'd probably be dead. One of them had Willie Nelson braids and a teardrop tattoo. I was afraid to make eye contact with him the whole time we were there. 8. It's hard to make any enemies while wearing this shirt around the infield. Raise Hell, Praise Dale. 9. Denim shorts are actually pretty comfortable. Who decided denim shorts aren't cool? I say we bring them back. 10. I will be back to Talladega. It will be a couple of years before I'm ready to try it again, but I will be back for more Talladega in the future. It was tons of fun and worth all the dirt and this heinous smell that I'll be wearing for another week or four.