The Ballad of Red and Blue

Hello, friends. I hope you're well and enjoying the summer. You look fantastic. Keeping busy? It's hard, in these sporting times, to get behind anything, no? The NBA Finals are over, the U.S. Open has been played, the Olympics don't start for a month, we have to wait for college football, the heat of the baseball season hasn't truly amped up yet. I guess it's a great time for...swimming, maybe? I don't know, I don't watch swimming. It's not on TV. So, yeah. These are the dead days, officially. So let's have a little fun with a piece I found scrawled on a series of napkins and left on the bar at an Applebee's last night. I have no idea who wrote it. But we'll talk enough about the draft next week, let's finish up this Friday on a lighter note, shall we? Don't worry, I'm absolutely positive you'll hate it. But hey. It's Friday. And there's nothing going on. So, for your perusal, I have transcribed The Ballad of Red and Blue after the jump. Feel free to read it. Or don't. I'm not the boss of you. But have a great weekend, gang, regardless. See you next week. ----------- In a state in a country not far from our own where the booble-plants grow and the grackle-yaks roam, there existed two schools, one of red, one of blue, and an ongoing struggle divided the two. "Our school is the best!" said the coach of the red. "Why play for the blue? Why, I'd rather be dead!" As he set out to get the most players of all and he canvased the land for the tall and the small so the red could find victory at the big game. and he went through the phone book, he circled each name. The coach of the blue had his plans for things too and he traveled around till he wore out his shoes as he searched for the best of the athletes around and invited the greatest to come to his town. "You will love it!" he said, "You will have a great time! And there will be no limit for how high you'll climb!" Then the coach of the red and the coach of the blue, both stepped up to each other, they stood shoe-to-shoe, and both said "I will show you! I'll get all the greatest! They'll all jump the highest! They'll all shoot the straightest! And then, in December we'll see who's the best, we will see who's the champ and who's left with the rest!" The coaches departed, they went their own ways, and both laid out their plans for the next many days to get all the best players from every direction and to put up a team that was simply perfection. The coach of the blue started in on his signing of Reginald Gootle-von-Harpy-von Brining and soon signed the famous and sought-after gents Aloysius Carpendus and Tim Timber-Cents. He signed Frederick DeTotters and Malcom DeVroom and the triplets of Joe, Jack and Jim Gaverboom. He signed all of the Cornings! Signed all of the Capps! He signed Brutus Barboney and Gary Gulappse! "My team is stupendous and I'm not yet done!" cried the coach of the blue as he signed one by one. The coach of the red was a busy man too when he signed Jack Jazoolish and Biff Benderzoo and the phenom JaMarcus Vincenzo JaFountain who aced all the tourneys on Poper-Pop Mountain. He signed all the seniors from all of the schools in Ganoobertown, Natchville and Picklesburg Pools. He signed Carlos El Castor and Elliot Stye and he signed everyone at the Zanzoburg Y. "There is no one I've missed! I have garnered the lot! And there's no way I'll lose the big game. No I'll not!" Then came summer and fall and soon on to December where everyone hoped for a game to remember. And in that gymnasium, then, onto that court walked the coach of the red who delivered a snort at the coach of the blue who returned a snort, too as the referees gathered them both to review how the game would go down and how points would accrue. And the referees said "With that laid down, it seems this would be the right time to invite in your teams." And the coach of the blue and the coach of the red both gave motions off-court. "Come on in," they both said. What happened there next gave both pause and dropped jaws as the two teams both burst on the court with applause and both coaches saw they had neglected to count all the players they'd signed, the specific amounts of the men on their teams, why, they numbered in scores! And the stampedes came thundering onto the floor! The players all bumped and collided and crammed on the court which was more than enough over-manned and the fans couldn't tell who was legal or not or who started, who fouled or who walked or who shot. There were simply too many recruits on the floor and they kept coming in, they were numbering more! The referees whistled and screamed and they shouted but no one could hear them - the court was too crowded and loud and chaotic. This just wouldn't do! "We don't even know where the ball is, or who has possession, there's no earthly way one could score in turmoil like this, it's like some kind of war!" There were thousands all clamoring out on the court (and it wasn't correct protocol for the sport) but the madness it grew, and the fans joined in too. Until soon the tumultuous hullabaloo was a basketball free-for-all, no one could know who to guard, who to watch, or wherever to go. And the two teams continued to bicker and fight as the coaches slipped stealthily into the night. "I guess we screwed up," said the coach of the blue. "I suppose we'd forgotten to think some things through." "Yes, we did," said the the coach of the red, "and that's sad because some of these guys are the best that I've had." "Same thing here," said the blue coach, "I have to admit it: I seem to have lost track of who had committed." "I did too," said the red coach, "I guess it's a tie since things seem to have clearly gone very awry." Then the coach of the red and the coach of the blue both shook hands and, both stepping up shoe-to-shoe locked their eyes with a fierceness and held up their chins "We'll do it next year and we'll find out who wins," said the coach of the red. "Yes, we will," said the blue, "for there's just not the room in this state for us two." And a smile grew wide for the coach of the red. "Your tactics can't last," he vehemently said. "These one-and-dones are but a gimmick, a ruse! You cannot keep a team up, you'll soon start to lose!" "Oh, just mind your alfredo" said coach of the blue, "And needn't you worry 'bout what we will do. Your grand fifteen minutes -- er, seconds -- is up and you're back to once more watching us fill our cup. If you try to keep up you'll do nothing but smother, so, with all due respect: just enjoy, little brother."