The Common Folk's Answer To Martha Stewart's Monthly Calendar

Recently, I came across what might be the greatest calendar ever printed. Martha Stewart’s monthly calendar is a goldmine of pretentiousness. For each of her issues of Martha Stewart’s Living, she creates a calendar that is designed to share “gentle reminders, helpful tips and important dates.” In reality, her calendar is made of humble brags, snobby assertions and dates that matter only to her. Her calendar includes things like "Collect newspapers and pine cones for kindling," "Friend Jane Heller's Birthday" and "Go for a horseback ride." Her calendar also includes her workout schedule. The calendar is painfully specific. It is amazing that Stewart finds this news to print. I can’t judge because I find it appointment magazine reading. This week, I will outline what us common folk are actually doing during the month of December. Hopefully there will be less mentions of kindling and doing activities with Jude and Truman. December 1:Contemplate getting a real tree this year December 2: Be prepared! Buy extra tape for wrapping presents! December 3: Find 12 other rolls of tape in your wrapping stash December 4: Put up a fake tree like a chump December 5: Pin Christmas recipes that you will never, ever make. Like this….

or this…

December 6: Pop popcorn for the garland for the tree. Eat said popcorn instead. December 7: Begin hoping for snow days! December 8: Realize you’ll never be warm again till April December 9: Feel like a boss when you actually make a bag out of wrapping paper. December 10: Watch a Hallmark movie December 11: Consider writing your own Hallmark movie December 12: Drive around and look at/judge other people’s Christmas lights December 13: Listen to “Santa Baby” December 14: Go ice skating December 15: Vow never to go ice skating again! December 16: Finally get “Santa Baby” out of your head December 17: Like all of your friends’ Elf on a Shelf posts December 18: Reach the tipping point of enjoyment for all of the Elf on a Shelf posts December 19: Mail out all of your Christmas cards with the hope that they arrive there on time! December 20: Plan a table setting that will never come to fruition December 21: Buy last minute gift cards December 22: Forget to pack your toothbrush for your trip home for the holidays December 23: Forget your old roommate's birthday, even though you try really hard to remember it December 24: Hit the nog. Hard. December 25: Get a maximum of 2,000 fitbit steps as you celebrate with friends and family! December 26: Consider taking a shower December 27: Actually take a shower December 28: Go on a Christmas movie release day binge December 29: Begrudgingly take down the tree December 30: Reflect on all the joys of 2016 December 31: Pin all of the fitness posts on pinterest that you will never do. Even though my calendar is less pretentious than Martha Stewart’s, it is definitely a blueprint to a merry Christmas and a happy new year.