The Five Worst NFL Posters from the 80s and 90s

 

Ah, it’s finally here. The first full weekend of NFL football games that matter since The Game Of Which We Do Not Speak was played back in February. If you’re like me, that means your Sunday will consist of waking up early to get a bunch of stupid chores out of the way, convincing your wife that you’re only on your third beer when you’re cracking open your tenth, and reminding your kid that when Daddy is down stairs screaming at the television it’s not because he’s mad but because the silly guys on the screen couldn’t sniff out a screen pass if their lives depended on it.

If you’re not already in full-on football mode, I have just what the doctor ordered. The fine folks over at WorldWideInterweb collected 50 NFL posters from the 1980s and 1990s, football’s Golden Age, when men were men and could still launch themselves like human missiles at each other’s brains and spines. The entire round-up is pretty amazing, so I encourage you to check it out. But if you’re pressed for time because you still have to make your famous Velveeta & Can of Refried Beans Dip before Sunday’s big watch party, here are the five posters that will leave you wondering who exactly was in charge of the NFL’s marketing department when these concepts were approved.

[Side note: Jimmy Mac and Sweetness up there couldn’t crack the Top Five, but can you imagine the fallout if a player in today’s NFL posed with AN UZI?! Man, the 80s were the best.]

 

 5. Jim Everett and the Rams Offensive Line

There are a lot of reasons it must suck to be a Rams fans, but the fact that this poster exists has to be right up there near the top of the list. I’m not in the military, guys, but I don’t think you’re supposed to carry around bombs like that. This group seems super tight-knit, which is a good thing for a QB and his linemen to be, but what’s up with Jackie Slater being the only guy who didn’t get to rip his sleeves off of his shirt? There are only two explanations: Either Jackie’s arms weren’t muscular enough and the other dudes didn’t want him ruining the picture with his flabby sticks, or Jackie’s guns were completely on point and he left his sleeves intact in order to avoid embarrassing his fellow trench warriors. Either way, I kinda feel bad for Jackie. But not as bad as I do for Rams fans.

 

4. Christian Okoye

This one had so much potential. Christian Okoye was the king of the NFL’s “Big Back” era and he had the coolest nickname in the league: The Nigerian Nightmare. The tie-in to Nightmare on Elm Street was a no-brainer, and this concept started off so strong. Give the big fella a knock-off Freddy Kruger glove, throw a bunch of the Chief’s AFC West rivals into a bed with a blanket that looks like a football field, and then crank the smoke machine to infinity! But it ultimately falls flat because Okoye’s mean face doesn’t read “intimidating” so much as it does “ugh, I shouldn’t have eaten that second cinnamon bun.” Also, Okoye looks like he walked straight off the practice field and onto the set of this photo shoot. They couldn’t put him in a red-and-green-striped sweater to up the Freddy vibe? I mean, look at the wardrobes on all of the rest of these posters. It’s not like they didn’t have a budget to work with. Which leads me to believe Okoye had no idea what they were trying to do with the whole “nightmare” reference, probably because he had his eggs scrambled by Steve Atwater one too many times.

 

3. Curt Warner

You have to give it to ol’ Curt, he committed to this bit 100%. He’s shirtless, standing in front of a scoreboard for the “Galactic Bowl,” holding a glowing orb of light while flames nip at his heels, but he still manages to put on his best tough-guy scowl. Boom. Nailed it. Unfortunately, the costume looks like it was made by a bunch of moms who tried to recreate something they saw on Pinterest, using only materials they already had around the house instead of springing for the high-end arts-and-crafty stuff from Michael’s.  I mean, they’ve got your boy wearing moon boots. MOON BOOTS! A three-time Pro Bowler deserves better, folks.

 

2. Mark Gastineau

What’d you expect? It’s Mark Gastineau. And if there’s one thing we know about Mark Gastineau it’s that Mark Gastineau does Mark Gastineau things. And this is the most Mark Gastineau thing ever. A for effort, F for execution, I guess. Also, that loin cloth is really short. Like, REALLY short. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

 

1. Don Majkowski

Look, I get it. When your name sounds like it has the word “magic” in it and you lead a couple of fourth quarter comebacks, there’s no way your nickname is NOT going to be “Majik.” And if you’re the NFL’s Senior Vice President of Posters, Pennants, and Bumper Stickers, of course the first thing you’re going to think of when it comes time to capitalize on Majkowski’s fleeting success is “Majik Man.” But did they have to do him dirty like this? The tattered pants? The mid-length silk gloves? The humongous magic wand? The floating football that is obviously dangling from a piece of fishing line connected to the wand? I realize the finger can’t be pointed at the poster designers for the high-and-tight mullet. That one is on Don, 1,000%. But someone needs to take responsibility for the rest of this abomination.

 

@TheSEShepherd