The Interview the CJ Won't Publish

In light of the recent allegations involving a certain college basketball coach and Generation Y‘s Hester Prynne, I considered it my journalistic duty to forgo my usual Louisville tirade and delve deeper into the circumstances surrounding their now most infamous encounter. To do so, I was forced to go to a source that, literally, got caught in the middle of all this. On the condition that I would only refer to him under the pseudonym “P”, I sat down with something intimately involved in the entire situation for a little Q and A. The following is a transcript of that interview: TH: I want to begin by thanking you for taking this time to talk with me. Let me ask you right off, how has all this coverage affected you? P: “Coverage“? Seriously, you’re gonna use the word “coverage“ with me? I didn‘t get one bit of a coverage in all this going all the way back to the moment of impact. I mean, the woman is known as the “Louisville Creamatorium”, home of the ice cream paint job and I went there with nothing. Nothing. If it was yours, wouldn’t you have had it wrapped so tight that Dr. Dre would be sampling from it? It was ridiculous. TH: You still have resentment for the lack of precaution afforded you and that is certainly understandable. P: Seriously, you’ve seen this woman‘s photo if nothing else- she oozes instability- she has eyes like Vigo from Ghostbusters II. Success may be a choice; sans protection shouldn’t have been. TH: I’ve heard some sympathizers say that given her “cougar” attributes, it would have been a tough situation for any man to turn down. P: That is just false- comparing her to a “cougar” is like comparing Heathcliff to Garfield. Both were played out, with the major difference being that Heathcliff was a distant second in every important category except age. Same with her. TH: Fortunately, this was just a single lapse in judgment. I’m sure this was just an aberration from the normal routine. P: You honestly believe that? To use a basketball euphemism, he has taken way more than three teams to the final four. Every class of team too- from UCLA to Southern. Brescia if he thought he could. You guys in the media are too gullible. We’ve been through a lot together, but I’ve been telling him for years, just because there’s a coaching vacancy doesn’t mean you have to fill it. TH: But, to the subject at hand, you had to at least enjoy some parts of that night. P: Not true, TH. Simply not true. I had an obligation, but by no means did I enjoy it. I mean, do you enjoy paying taxes? I too was feeling the effects of the vino but not enough to ignore the situation I was being thrust into. To this day, I would rather have gone dumpster diving in a Haitian syringe bin than cross the goal line of the a la carte special being served up that night. TH: But that said, you were, in fact, able to complete the job. P: That is true- but not with the level of excitement usually reserved for such occasions. Most times, I reek of virility. That night, it was sort of like putting a drunk to sleep on a waterbed and having him slowly vomit out the side of his mouth. Not good. Not good at all. TH: After all this, can you reconcile your relationship? P: I don’t know. I still hang out with him, but I’m not sure we will ever work together in the same way. TH: Thank you for your time. I. HATE. LOUISVILLE.