The Mother of all Mother's Day Gifts: Seven Succulent Moments from KFC's Deep-Fried Romance Novel

Mother's Day is this Sunday, May 14 ,and naturally you should honor that special someone in your life in some thoughtful way.  There's no secret recipe, just a special blend of words and deeds that'll guarantee to show your mom that she's the most important person in your world.  Love is a verb so show it with a simple phone call, acts of service go a long way too–you can vacuum the house for once.  Or how about brunch, some technology, say a Kindle perhaps, or some catchy music–may I suggest my mom's personal favorite, the disco-infused Bette Midler album Thighs and Whispers.  Lastly, you can never go wrong with a heartfelt, handwritten card, paired with a bouquet of beautifully fragrant flowers served in a nice vase.  Understandably, you don't want to have to spork over a lot of money, and that's where KFC can help.  KFC?  While they've been in the Mother's Day game for a while, this time they're serving up something unusually spicy, but not in the way you're probably thinking. Colonel Sanders is a bonafied pop culture icon.  He's been hawking his greasy, tasteless, viscous vittles for nearly 65 years, even from beyond the grave.  We all know the Colonel is a thigh man, more than likely a breast man, but one thing's for certain, he's definitely not a wing man–he's a regular steal yo girl kinda guy.  He's a lover, and not a part-time one either.  That's right, just in time for Mother's Day, KFC has released a 96 page romance novel entitled Tender Wings of Desire, featuring White Pepper, aka the man in the white suit and string tie, wooing a young, betrothed English chickadee named Madeline.  While the novella's a page turner, it's not exactly finger-licking good, primarily because it only comes in an eBook format downloadable for free on Amazon. The book's dedication reads: For mothers everywhere I dedicate this to you–a brief escape from motherhood into the arms of your fantasy Colonel. Whoever he may be. Most of y'all won't bother reading the novella, however I did, and I've compiled some of the juiciest moments from the book.

 "He was tall, dressed like a sailor with the striped linen shirt and woolen peacoat crusted with sea salt.  His hair was light and fair, framing his head in airy curls, and the eyes that stared back at her were almost the exact same color of the sea, perhaps darker, but not by much, and they hid behind glasses with dark frames.  And for a moment she felt hot and cold at the same time."

"His accent sounded too cultured for an American farmer."

"Once again she felt that dizzy, sick feeling of being both hot and cold at the same time, and as she walked to him she felt as if her knees were screwed too loose, that she might trip and fall at any moment.  If that were to happen, she both desperately wanted him to catch her and also could not stand the idea of him touching her."

"There was such a gentleness and his voice that she looked up at him in alarm.  He seemed sad, a little frustrated, a little sick of himself, and the way he looked in the moonlight was so striking that Madeline ended up closing the distance and pulling him in for a kiss."

"It was electric.  It was everything, and whatever sickness Madeline believed she had from her infatuation with him melted away at the touch of his lips.  Her entire body felt as though it were on fire, her heart beating wildly in her chest.  He felt so warm, and his arm circled around her waist to pull her closer.

"Yes, I'm a Colonel.  Yes, I'm fabulously rich.  I'm a magnate of the restaurant industry, my dear, the king of an empire that I built with my bare hands.  I took such a sabbatical from my duties in order to see the world, see what else could possibly be out there, and on the course of my journey I found what I was looking for."

"I would burn everything to the ground if it meant that you would still love me as much as you did when you thought I was a simple sailor."

Shew, sure is getting hot in here!  Although the writing is clever and lighthearted, it's a little too bland for my taste.  But more importantly, the image of the Kentucky darling getting busy with some random has already deep-fried my brain.  But your mom might be into this sort of thing.  Who knows?!?  Remember this ain't about you–this is her day.  This book may be just the kind of heat your mom's looking for, making her special day a particularly memorable and an emotionally satisfying one to say the least.  If not, then, well, do what you always do, buy her a card from Walgreens and take her to Malone's I suppose.