There has never been anything more important than the Pop-Tarts Bowl
Forget the College Football Playoff, a national champion was crowned on Saturday and earned the only reward that will ever matter in the history of mankind, forever. Iowa State, you are the hereby declared Pop-Tart King, claiming the most important trophy in the most important bowl game.
The Pop-Tarts Bowl was a viral hit last postseason cycle and came back with a vengeance. A top-25 matchup between No. 13 Miami and No. 18 Iowa State, it was a back-and-forth offensive showcase for the ages leading to a 42-41 victory for the Cyclones in the final minute. There was also controversy — superstar QB Cam Ward surprisingly played in the first half as a guaranteed top-five pick in the upcoming NFL Draft, then sat in the second half after setting the NCAA DI record for career passing touchdowns in the first 30 minutes with 190 yards and three scores.
The game itself was must-see TV, but it was everything else that made the Pop-Tarts Bowl absolute cinema from start to finish.
Cole Cubelic in a full Pop-Tart costume doing a completely serious sideline hit? Check.
Cubelic then devouring a Pop-Tart out of the Pop-Tart mascot’s hand? Why the hell not?
A sequence of eight straight touchdowns in the first half? Those points aren’t going to score themselves.
Wild Berry Pop-Tarts ice cream sandwiches handed out in the press box? Obviously.
A mini Pop-Tart bath for the winning head coach? You bet your bottom dollar — although I’m not sure I’d eat those considering Matt Campbell also got a traditional Gatorade bath right before it. Those flavors don’t work well together.
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And then for the grand finale, game MVP Rocco Becht choosing which Pop-Tart mascot to toast and eat out of a giant toaster. The winner? Frosted Cinnamon Roll, who willingly cooked itself to death so the Cyclones could devour him piece by piece in the ultimate team bonding experience.
That brought us to whatever the hell this is — the grossest Pop-Tart buffet with flowers and confetti and fingers just scooping up the pastry treat like the sickest sickos who have ever been sick.
Oh, and don’t forget about the bowl’s decision to honor Frosted Strawberry, the Pop-Tart devoured after the game last year to get all of this ridiculousness started. Not only was it honored, it was brought back to life as a weird Frankenstein Pop-Tart at the top of Camping World Stadium.
Who cares about the winner of the next round of CFB Playoff games or even the national championship? The only title that matters has been won.
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