These are the Kentucky players you'd draft to beat up a gorilla

If you’re reading this, odds are pretty good you’ve scrolled through social media at one point or another over the last, say, 72 hours. And if you’ve scrolled through social media over the last 72 hours, odds are pretty good you’ve seen the ridiculous debate about whether 100 men could beat up a gorilla. The initial Twitter post sparking the conversation has now been viewed 239 million times (and counting), leading to mostly unserious analysis with some bringing out their drunk confidence and others sharing the sobering reality — ChatGPT calls it “an absolute mismatch,” needing a “perfect plan, perfect timing and zero fear (and even then suffering major injuries)” to pull off the upset.

Now, we’re bringing that very unserious analysis to KentuckySportsRadio.com. Why? Because that’s what we do around here.

AI may call it “an absolute mismatch,” but AI doesn’t understand the power of BBN. That’s why we’ve shifted the conversation to include Kentucky royalty, special thanks to Karl Townes Van Zandt for the idea.

Question: What Kentucky players would you draft on your team to beat up that Gorilla?

Before we start this exercise, let’s acknowledge the obvious that we do not condone the actual ass-kicking of any gorillas here at KSR. We are a pro-Harambe company. We’re simply choosing our selections in the hypothetical 2025 Gorilla Fight Draft: Kentucky Edition — I’m not fighting that thing alone, so names have to get written on the card one way or another.

I’ll start with some of my favorite possibilities, followed by some other fan submissions from KSBoard to get us closer to 100. At worst, we’re giving ourselves the best shot at a win.

Lance Ware

The ultimate enforcer during his time at Kentucky, scared of no one with a hard foul or a tech to give always — real ‘crazy’ potential. He wasn’t the most skilled or productive, but you knew exactly what you were getting every time he entered the game. How about Lance?

Fun fact: Ware took boxing classes as a Cat in the off chance he needed to handle business on the court at any point. “Just in case anything happens and I have to be prepared. Proper preparation,” he said.

Jamaal Magloire

Before Lance Ware, there was Jamaal Magloire — the OG enforcer. The guy once played one-on-one with Scott Padgett in practice and it ended with the two in the emergency room getting stitches.

“He had enough of (me talking trash) and he swung on me. Then it was on, we’re rolling around and there’s blood on the floor. We’re slipping in it. … We had to go to the emergency room. We’re in there getting stitches together, we’re joking about it.”

Tyler Ulis

Remember when the Point God didn’t think twice about stepping up to all 7-foot-2, 240 pounds of Trayvon Reed at the 2015 SEC Tournament? End of discussion.

Brandon Garrison

When the first clip of your return announcement includes you fighting the entire Louisville bench by yourself, you belong on this list. He also happens to be the only player to have a shoe thrown at him during a game, so we know he’s got the agility to duck some gorilla haymakers.

Brandon Garrison’s return announcement starts with him fighting the entire Louisville bench by himself

If this doesn’t get you hyped, check your pulse.

BG YEAR TWO LET’S GOOOOOOOOO https://t.co/pK6F2D5QRd pic.twitter.com/eJmgb4vQ3v

— Jack Pilgrim (@JackPilgrimKSR) April 12, 2025

Josh Harrellson

Jorts gives you both size and arm speed — you’ve seen him launch a fastball off Jared Sullinger’s chest. He also knows how to get out of the mud as a JUCO kid who once did time in Billy Clyde’s bathroom jail.

Eric Bledsoe

“He’ll kick your ass after the game is over!” Those were Coach Cal’s famous words directed toward Louisville’s Reginald Delk (Tony’s nephew) after he mistakenly got into it with Bledsoe just a minute into that 2010 matchup. He wasn’t wrong.

DeMarcus Cousins

Shortly after, Boogie got Jared Swopshire’s face permanently tattooed on his forearm. That’s how we got six fouls and three techs assessed in the first minute of the game before a point was scored.

This is the same guy who said the NBA needed two-minute fight sessions during games to boost ratings. Cousins is a roster anchor here.

Daniel Orton

Remember when Orton was ready to whip Chinanu Onuaku’s ass like an overhand free throw after spitting on Nate Sestina at Freedom Hall last summer?

Daniel Orton genuinely had that man’s life flashing before his eyes dog you can see the moment he realized it’s in God’s hands now 😭😭😭😭 #BBN pic.twitter.com/1K3GGI6HIh

— Buddy 🏀😼 (@BigBlueBud) July 30, 2024

Chuck Hayes

You don’t play in the NBA for 11 years as a 6-6 power forward if you’re not as tough as nails. He was physical and aggressive, playing bigger than his body as an all-time fan favorite in Lexington.

Oscar Tshiebwe

How did Big O pull down every rebound? He fought. How did he respond to bad performances? By saying he needed to fight harder. What if his teammates didn’t step up? They need to fight, too.

Tshiebwe was all about fighting. Oh, and he’s built like a Greek god.

Bam Adebayo

Speaking of being built like a Greek god, you need guys who look the part coming off the bus to set the tone. If you want to instill fear in that gorilla, you need guys like Bam.

Kerr Kriisa

He may not be the most physically imposing dude in the world, but he does talk trash. I mean, he’s world famous for giving Luka freaking Doncic the business. You can guarantee Kriisa will find a way to play mind games, at minimum.

Tai Wynyard

Chopping wood runs in the family as the son of a world-champion lumberjack (and he comes with an armed bodyguard). No bringing guns to a gorilla fight, though. He’ll have to handle this one with his fists.

Heshimu Evans

Did you know Heshimu means warrior? If he can throw a hammer in transition, he can land a punch or two here. Plus, he’s from The Bronx. New Yorkers are born tough.

Julius Randle

Dude was an absolute freak out of high school, a rare combination of strength, athleticism and skill. As a 6-9, 250-pound freshman, he was a walking double-double and wasn’t afraid to get his hands dirty.

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Those were just the layups that quickly came to mind when the topic ridiculously presented itself. How about some other fan suggestions from KSBoard?

• Winston Bennett
• Mo Dioubate
• Tod Lanter
• Matt Heissenbuttel (Jacob Polacheck’s submission, for those curious)
• Morakinyo Williams
• Isaiah Briscoe
• Gerald Fitch
• PJ Washington
• Andrew Harrison
• Aaron Harrison
• Ramel Bradley
• “Terminator glasses Quade”
• Lukasz Obrzut
• Andre Riddick
• James Lee
• Larry Stamper
• Bob Guyette
• Rashaad Carruth
• Patrick Patterson
• Leroy “Baby Magic” Byrd
• Enes Kanter
• Jordan Burks
• Rob Dillingham
• Trent Noah
• Melvin Turpin
• Charles Hurt
• Eloy Vargas
• Jason Parker
• Nazr Mohammed
• Scott Padgett
• Rajon Rondo
• Alex Poythress
• Kelenna Azubuike
• DeAndre Liggins
• Keith Bogans

50 players, all in their Kentucky primes, coming together for one great cause. Do we even need the other 50 we’re allotted in this hypothetical? Seems unnecessary when you’ve got a loaded fighting roster of this caliber.

Hate to break it to you gorilla, but it’s time to count your days.

(And I probably need to count my days getting paid for this nonsense.)