Why I Love the Cards (by the Turkey Hunter)

Season’s greetings! If you are a long time reader, you might remember KSR used to do a little thing called “Hate Day” leading up to our annual football/basketball matchups with the University of Louisville. The KSR writers would all take turns waxing on about all the things we hated about the Cards in an attempt to stoke the flames of the best rivalry in college sports. After a while, we realized the idea was tired and played out. In fact, if that idea was a woman, Rick Pitino would’ve force fed it drinks like he was working a water stop at the Papa John’s 10 Miler and paid a staffer to drive it to Cincinnati the next day. As a result, we took a bit of a hiatus. But since we last spoke, Louisville has blossomed and become a treasure trove of unintentional comedy. These last few years have demonstrated that there is no scandal too outlandish, too farfetched, or too salacious that our slutty, kid sister of a university won’t embrace it with open arms. For such reasons, I’ve modified my stance on our former foe. You win Louisville, I’ve come around. I love you Louisville. I love the joy your dumpster fire of an existence now brings me on a daily basis. I love all the mistakes, big and small. I love your lack of shame, your total absence of self-awareness, and the fact that the Mariana Trench is merely a pit stop on your quest for rock bottom. Just as Cousin Eddie said about Clark’s membership to the jelly of the month club, Louisville is the gift that keeps on giving the whole year. I love that whether it comes to birth control or arena leases, the men’s basketball program rides or dies with the pull out method. I love bird watching with your coaching staff at the yearly basketball loss. I love that Coach Pitino now treats fan selfies like they are shooting B roll for Ghost Hunters. I love that your Heisman Trophy winner is worse at holding onto balls than your Basketball recruiting visit entertainers I love the odds of Bobby P finding a graduate position for Becca Manns. I love that ShamWows and Scotchgard are in the recruiting budget because assistant coaches hire geysers in heels to perform for prospective athletes. I love that a university president thought a sombrero and fake moustache was less offensive than his comb over. I love that Pitino's sexual stamina would barely qualify for a scored PBR bull ride. I love John Ramsey’s radio listener. I love that seats on the U of L Board get handed out like gifts on Oprah’s Favorite Things. I love that your escorts look like they were purchased with a Groupon. I love everything about you. These days, I wake up every morning excited for what amazing headline you may have produced during the previous night’s slumber. And candidly, there is absolutely nothing you could do to shock me at this point. I know you need this victory in the worst way. I also know that this coveted win will likely continue to evade you, just as class, credibility, and a full academic accreditation have. But don’t hang your head. Just remember that when life gives you lemons, use them as garnish for your Crown Royal Green Apple and drink until the next scandal blows over. Just keep doing you Louisville. We all appreciate it. Go Cats.