Your Guide to Spotting and Reporting Compadres of the Triumvirate

Big Blue Nation is facing its greatest crisis of this week: Journalists who choose to ignore stories that glorify and support Coach John Calipari. The Triumvirate is well-known, but their associates remain hidden among us. Don't panic! We True Blue fans at Kentucky Sports Radio have organized this guide towards identifying and reporting these agents of malevolence. With your help, we can rid the world of the Triumvirate's supporters. With their power stripped, the sporting world will revert back to loving and adoring the Kentucky Wildcats and its fans. An individual may be a Compadres of the Triumvirate if he/she meets the following descriptions: * Wears a knock-off UK2K shirt and other unofficial Kentucky Athletics apparel. * Subscribes to the New York Times and/or does not speak out against the online NYTimes.com paywall. * Owns any sort of "House Divided" doormats and yard decorations. * Discusses lacrosse games and/or promotes lacrosse as an exciting NCAA sport. * Floats (does not sink) when thrown into water. * Only discusses the problems and negative press of Kentucky Athletics. * Comments regularly that a particular attractive female could be "A Dashette". * Creates hyperlinks and/or shares stories written by the Triumvirate. * Sells their season tickets to rival fans or those men standing around Lexington holding deceptive "I Need Tickets" signs. * Weighs less than a church Bible or the same as a duck. * Eats Orange Leaf Frozen Yogurt less than twice a week. * Acts tiresome or cranky after 20 or more minutes of discussion and pontification about Kentucky Basketball. * Owns flying monkeys. Once you have identified a potential Compadre of the Triumvirate, report their suspicious actions directly to UK Athletics. Take NO further actions towards/against the suspect. We've gathered reports that cornered and desperate Compadres have cast dark magical hexes on their enemies. These hexes warp and manipulate victims' thoughts, causing them to believe that ALL sports journalism is objective and other such nonsense.