A Red River Lunch Special

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No 1: Holy Sh!t Saturday Dish

Last weekend was the perfect time for Texas to have a bye week because it was an all-time Saturday for holy hell moments, served on a steaming hot plate. It was the kind of platter the server warns you not to touch for fear of second-degree burns, but you just have to anyway, and there’s an extra serving of schadenfreude slathered on top.

I correctly predicted in The Reheat that Tennessee would fall to the Hogs in Fayetteville, but that was simply an attempt to bend the universe to my selfish will, hoping that an upset of the Volunteers would push the Tide’s trip to Knoxville on October 19th to the 2:30 slot while granting Texas and Georgia the primetime matchup under the lights of DKR.

Maybe it’s like The Office episode where Dwight is convinced Jim possesses the power of telekinesis, except the College Football Gods are Dwight K. Schrute, and I’m Jim. Not only did the Vols drop an ugly game to Arkansas, but the unthinkable in the SEC happened when Vanderbilt beat Alabama—something most fans couldn’t even imagine, even in a video game.

A bad Texas team losing to a god-awful Kansas team in 2016 is one thing; it’s shocking because of the logos involved but more explainable when you understand how far from grace Texas had fallen. But this was a logo shock combined with the fact that Alabama had won the SEC last season and beat Georgia the week before. No. 1 Alabama lost to Vander-freaking-bilt! Typing that sentence doesn’t make it feel any more real.

Watching it reminded me of when Texas was obliterated by an average UCLA team in Austin in 2010. I had to listen to that game on the radio while driving to East Texas, and it felt like we were all in a labyrinth. You kept thinking Texas would escape the Bruins and get out of the maze, but they didn’t, and there we were—stuck in the dark, in shock. Reality hit Longhorn fans quickly in the post-Colt McCoy era, and it just caught up with the Tide in the post-Nick Saban era quicker than I ever thought could be possible.

No 2: The Revelation Platter

Perhaps this is just the new era of college football. We won’t see any more Kevin Steele Baylors, Bobby Johnson Vandys, or David Beaty Jayhawks absolutely stinking up major conferences. It’s not financially feasible for those schools to afford eras of utter ineptitude anymore, despite massive coaching buyouts. There’s too much at stake now, because if the CFB Rapture in the form of a big school breakaway were to occur during a window where they’re in the gutter, they risk being left behind.

I don’t think bottom feeders will stay at the bottom as long as they once did in conferences like the SEC or Big Ten, or at least now they’ll have to be closer to the surface and last Saturday was proof of that. In the previous landscape of college football, it would have been impossible for Vanderbilt to beat Alabama because of the enormous talent gap that only widens the longer a school stays down. But now with NIL, the portal and sheer need, big conference schools like Vanderbilt can lure the best players away from the Mountain West, the American, and even Conference USA, like Vanderbilt did with quarterback Diego Pavia and tight end Eli Stowers from New Mexico State.

The Diego Pavias of the world were once the kind of players who stayed at their schools and became gamers in their conferences, occasionally winning a nice pre-Christmas bowl when the roster cycle aligned. Good for him for cashing in on SEC NIL money and elevating his status by playing in bigger games. The depth at Alabama (and others) is thinner than it has been for a long time due to second and third teamers being made up of younger players rather than fourth- and fifth-year guys who waited their turn. In this new college football world, Vanderbilt can beat Alabama, and the mighty can be humbled. But, the rapture has already started before we even realized—it’s just happening at New Mexico State first.

No 3: The Fair Park Combination

Here are the Red River games I’ve attended in person but as food items I’ve tried at the Texas State Fair. Yes, it’s true I don’t have the best record at 2-6, but I’m also not the one who hired Charlie Strong and Tom Herman, nor am I the one who instructed Mack Brown to at times treat Red River like kickball at Vacation Bible School. After missing wins in 2009, 2013, and 2015, I won’t miss another if I can help it (and if my wife and kids will still love me if I go). No explanations will be provided for my answers.

• 2022 Texas 49 – Oklahoma 0: The Cinnamon Rolls inside the food court hall.
• 2018 Texas 48 – Oklahoma 45: Fletcher’s Corny Dog with a Lemonade Shake Up.
• 2017 OU 29 – Texas 24: Your fifth lukewarm generic beer in a wax cup.
• 2010 OU 28 – Texas 20: Fried Cheesecake. Nope.
• 2011 and 2012 OU bludgeonings: Fried Frito Pie.
• 2023 OU 34 Texas 30: Fried Iced Tea.
• 2021 OU 55 – Texas 48: Fried Butter.

No 4: Plat Du Jour

After 49-0 in 2022 and the start to the season last year, I thought Texas was going to shove Oklahoma into a trash can and light the Sooners on fire, ushering in an era of dominance similar to what Bob Stoops displayed over Brown in the early 2000s. That ignored just how much of a wounded animal Oklahoma was, and they’d also been able to prepare for Texas for the first five weeks of the season thanks to a relatively easy schedule. Oklahoma came to play, Texas started slow, and then was aggressive at the wrong times, crushing my hopes of seeing two wins in a row in person.

The reality is, aside from 2022, nine of the last ten games have been decided by one score, excluding the 2018 Big 12 Championship in Jerry World. As Paul Wadlington wrote for Inside Texas, the early 2000s period of domination by Oklahoma that still scars Longhorn fans, causing us to froth at the mouth wanting revenge, is a statistical anomaly. This isn’t Ohio State vs. Michigan, where one team takes turns spanking the other. Because of that, it’s tough to be overconfident in this game, despite all the advantages being stacked in Texas’ favor.

Both teams have had two weeks off. The Sooners have faced a tougher schedule so far and had to change quarterbacks after running over Jackson Arnold with the Sooner Schooner and reversing it over his body and confidence to make sure he was dead. Oklahoma’s path to victory would be to turn the game into a rock fight, or better yet, a biblical stoning by both sides, with them somehow emerging as the one still breathing. I’ve seen Texas do that very thing. The Sooners are starting a true freshman quarterback, Michael Hawkins, and practically an entirely new offensive line and tight end group who haven’t had snaps in this game.

Their top five wide receivers are either on strike, injured, or sitting out because The Fair isn’t adhering to social distancing guidelines. Really, their best wide receiver, Deion Burks, is out, and their most talented one, Nic Anderson (last year’s Sooner hero), has mysteriously missed 95% of the season. Meanwhile, the Texas defense, which has only allowed three touchdowns all season, hasn’t faced a “goal-to-go” situation through five games. The Oklahoma secondary, while opportunistic behind great safeties, has injuries too, and Texas has six wide receivers and two tight ends the Sooners would kill for.

So, what’s the Golden Hat’s path to stay in Norman? It would take a rusty performance by Quinn Ewers resembling the Titanic decaying on the ocean floor, a complete inability to run the ball, continued turnover issues for Jaydon Blue and co., and a mistake-free performance by Hawkins, despite almost no weapons to throw to. What’s more, it would take the combined strength off all their National Merit Scholars plus a Herculean effort by Brent Venables’ defense to steal The Golden Hat again from Steve Sarkisian.

I am out of breath trying to talk myself into reasons not to be confident, but yet, I’m still scared.

Despite my fear and shellshock, Vegas thinks Texas runs away with it, and the Sooner fan side is quieter than I’ve ever heard them, as if the dirt their ancestors once robbed was just stolen back from them. I’m sure they’re preparing their laundry list of excuses as they did in 2022. Someone should tell them that the Golden Hat still gets exchanged even if one side is injured. I wrote the Sooners’ obituary last year and paid the price and I can’t do that again, as much as I might want to.

Let’s go with the Sooners covering the spread of Texas -14.5 thanks to gamesmanship by Hawkins and some weird Red Riverness, I am looking at wildman Silas Bolden on punt returns specifically, but ultimately the Good Guys prevail 30 to 19 in a nervous rock fight for 2.5 quarters that ends with Texas pulling away.

No 5: The Eponymous Plate

There was mullet Quinn, Kombucha Quinn and later we had skinny Quinn. But the most impactful version of #3 is Big Game Quinn, where the quarterback really shines. Now, Ewers has the chance to add to his impressive resume in huge matchups that he built in wins in Tuscaloosa, Ann Arbor and The Big 12 Championship. Going two for three against Oklahoma will have Ewers licking his chops, along with other three-year players like Kelvin Banks.

That winning percentage would be rare for Longhorns of the past 25 years and if Ewers and company do it, they should be immortalized in Austin. Like the Bob Armstrong dip at Matt’s El Rancho, Ewers will deserve that level of remembrance. I’ve been waiting for days like these for a long time, as have all Texas fans.

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No 6: Next Week’s Special

If the Hat comes home, Texas coaches and players won’t be able to celebrate as long as the fans. Because one week from when the Eyes of Texas plays, we get a night game versus the Georgia Bulldogs and this isn’t Texas versus Notre Dame of 2016, two big brands and helmets that are cool to watch take the field together, but the teams themselves have a ton of questions and season’s worth of ground to prove still.

No, this will be two top five teams in Austin, a conference game, at night. This is exactly why Texas left for the SEC. It will be a one-of-a-kind opportunity for Longhorn fans at DKR and a two-week stretch that will never be forgotten. For the players, there are now back-to-back weeks which present the chance to be legendary.