Dear Santa: A Christmas wish list from the Texas Longhorns fan before the playoffs

If my kids, nephews, and nieces can all write letters with a list of demands to the Big Guy up North, why can’t this impassioned 34-year-old father? After all, my desires, if fulfilled, will surely last longer than the trinkets, knick-knacks, and toys that get stuffed in stockings. So from the most petty wish to the least selfish desire, here’s my Christmas Wish List for the Texas Longhorns fan(s).

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Dear Santa,

I hope you are well. It’s been 27 years since I heard some concerning news about you while shopping with my older sister at Lakeline Mall in Austin. I’ll try to ignore what she told me about you being “fictitious” and all because I’ve got some things I want from you. Pardon my French, but I hope I can stay off the naughty list. I’m writing this not just for myself but for all the Longhorns—the millions of us across planet Earth.

First, I would like a new punter. Wow! Thank you for the early present, Santa.

I would like to stop hearing about Cade Klubnik from my friends with Westlake connections. Maybe I should have written this request to God or the Longhorns’ defense. But if you can’t help me Saint Nick, then: Jahdae Barron, Andrew Mukuba, Colin Simmons, Anthony Hill, please hear me. I can’t take it anymore.

I would like the Oklahoma Sooners’ transfer portal situation to get even worse. I want them to suit up those guys who roll out the dinky stagecoach as wide receivers for their bowl game. How are they going to field a team for the Armed Forces Bowl against Navy? They’ve got almost two dozen players in the portal right now, including Jackson Arnold, Nic Anderson, and Dasan McCullough. Things are so bad in Norman that they made a commitment return video for wide receiver Deion Burks. Burks is a good player, sure, but he’s the equivalent of getting a free Subway sandwich coupon in the mail. The Brent Venables extension last winter is starting to look like Jimbo Fisher Lite. But the Sooners are in a more dire situation than the Aggies were, given the SEC’s nature and the current state of the transfer portal. I suffered through the 2010s, enduring the smug grins of Sooner fans who relished my pain. They didn’t know how bad it could feel. They’re starting to. Don’t shoot—let them burn.

I want the three-match against Georgia. Our own Paul Wadlington has thrown cold eggnog on whether Texas will play Kirby Smart and the Bulldogs for a second time in Atlanta and a third time overall. I tend to agree with him, but I want revenge just the same. Texas hit and punished Georgia like a team seeking vengeance, leaving the Bulldogs with Carson Beck and punter Brett Thorson on the injury list. But the Longhorns didn’t seal the deal. I want Georgia to make it through their side of the bracket so Texas can win the game in the series that truly matters—the decisive battle in this war. I’m so tired of these Dawgs barking.

I would like Texas and Steve Sarkisian to save the game script for the third quarter. Has Sark considered running the equivalent of set plays in the first half against Clemson and saving the game script barrage for the third quarter on Saturday? Texas has scored just 82 points in the third quarter this season—their lowest-scoring quarter by far. When Texas has put together early scoring drives in the second half, as they did against Michigan and Florida, they’ve buried their opponent. This issue has plagued all four of Sark’s teams in Austin, although I chalk some of that notion up to PTSD from the 2021 season. When the script runs out, players need to make plays—which leads me to my next request.

I would like Quinn Ewers to put on a Superman cape—if he owns one. Much of the tired and lazy Ewers “discussion” online comes from the fact that he’s rarely had to save Texas with Hero Ball the way Vince Young or even Sam Ehlinger did. Like a great ISO scorer in basketball, the ability to create your own shot and win late creates indelible memories that last longer than hyper-efficiency. People forget a player’s shooting percentage if they make the game-winning bucket, just like they forget a quarterback’s early completions if they fail to deliver on the final drive. Fair or not, that’s the standard.

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Ewers has a chimney full of wins during his tenure in Austin, but most of his big wins have come in games where he’s been dialed in early, putting opponents to sleep with ruthless execution. Think of Michigan, the 2023 Big 12 Championship, the win over Texas A&M, and even the victory in Tuscaloosa last year. What’s missing from Ewers’ résumé are the moments he hasn’t been able to deliver from the 12- or 14-yard lines in New Orleans and Atlanta. It’s unfair to say he only operates on schedule—that’s simply not true. His performances against Kentucky, Texas A&M, and Georgia showed his ability to make off-schedule plays. If those moments had come late, they’d be counted as heroics. He has it in him, and for his sake, I hope he gets one of those moments. He deserves it.

Sincerely,
Longhorn Fans