Let's Fix The CFP Rankings (as a TV show)

Ahead of the election and the first aired release of the College Football Playoff selection committee’s rankings, I can’t fix people’s trust in democracy in America but I’m confident I can make the CFP rankings release a better product, at least for television.

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A great discussion by Ian Boyd and Paul Wadlington last week prompted this train of thought as they discussed what might motivate the committee in their selection process, and I’d highly recommend it. Will they do everything in their power to include a Colorado team coached by Deion Sanders if they can?

Absolutely. But what frustrates me about it is the inability of the CFP, NCAA, or ESPN to call a spade a spade. This is entertainment more than anything else, so quit pussyfooting around that fact.

If college football really is a television and entertainment product now, then let’s fully lean into that and quit trying to tiptoe around like it’s anything else. So, let’s throw out the ceremonial BS, talk about “fairness,” and let some people in who will fully design this thing as if it’s a WrestleMania card. As Jalen Rose would say, “you’ve got to give the people what they want,” even if they don’t know what’s best for them.

We’re not going to change the format of the playoff itself (even though there surely are better ones available) but focus on the rankings as a weekly television program that we can improve a whole hell of a lot.

What are we doing with this committee in the first place? Their job is to rank the field, but does that have to be boring? Let’s get some people in here that will make things interesting and then we televise their heated discussion of the rankings rather than the rankings themselves. I want an hour of reality TV like Survivor, where we watch the committee rip Liberty or Big 12 teams to shreds and fight one another over strength of schedules and conference bias.

The coaches will thank me because of the litany of bulletin board material I just gave them to motivate their teams. The world of content creators will thank me because I just gave them hours and hours of material to rage about. Danny Kanell just watched the committee disrespect the ACC for an hour in front of America? He just got legions of Miami fans to tune into his reaction show the next day. Are we going to get any of that with the current cast? Hell no.

I mean, Jim Grobe is on the committee, for godsakes. Grobe is the missionary position of college football coaches. Mack Rhoades too? Why does the CFP have such a heavy Baylor contingent? This isn’t church summer camp; this is the freaking playoff, and now it’s rated TV-MA, and the Bears are never going to sniff the thing anyway.

Everyone else is fired, and we have 13 seats to fill. The games can still be on ESPN, but we’re giving the contract for the rankings release to HBO and serving alcohol around the round table where the members sit.

Let’s cut it with the inclusion of ADs and school administrators—this isn’t their forte. This thing needs a commissioner who’s respected, researched, and balanced, who KNOWS BALL and possesses the ultimate trump card. For that reason, I’m naming Joel Klatt as the head of the committee. The ex-Buffaloes quarterback is everyone’s favorite commentator, and he’ll have to keep this thing afloat because I’m about to weigh it down with some ego.

Klatt is our foreperson of the jury responsible for getting everyone on the same page and ensuring that, like the Tribal Council in Survivor or The Bachelor, every episode ends with a Rose Ceremony—which, in this case, is the rankings.

A little more than half of the committee will be made up of ex-football players and coaches, the other half by personalities. For football coaches: Coach O, Jimbo Fisher (our anti-A&M plant), and Mack Brown, who we’re forcing to retire from UNC. The latter two probably hate each other, and you can imagine how entertaining it would be to watch them interact while Coach O says something nobody understands.

As for the players, we need some geographical balance, so we’re adding Marshawn Lynch from the West Coast and The Playmaker Michael Irvin from the East Coast. And what the hell, let’s give Johnny Football something to do. Now we need five more committee members.

For personalities: who would I be if I didn’t rig this in Texas’ favor? I’m adding the MOC—Matthew McConaughey, former First Lady Laura Bush, and the world’s strongest man, Mark Henry (if he’s unavailable, we’ll go with The Undertaker). That’s part of the entertainment value: Texas is already the bad guy, so why not lean into it, make everyone think it’s rigged, and add to the show by including the ultimate Texas detractor in the media—commentator Tim Brando, who’ll cry conspiracy over Texas favoritism only to be stared down into silence by Henry and occasionally he gets power-bombed through a table of Sally Brown’s chocolate chip cookies.

Before I move on, we’re all about equality here, so we need another woman to balance the scales. So, I’m adding my mother-in-law, who’s a voice of reason, a giant football fan, and will help Klatt keep the thing from burning down. Our last spot functions like the celebrity shot in Beer Pong or the guest picker on GameDay, bringing in a new person every week to keep things spicy. Imagine a drunk Katy Perry making her return appearance on a college football show and she drools over Arch Manning while sitting between Mack Brown and Laura Bush as the committee has to decide whether to include a two-loss Alabama or a second Big 12 team? Sign me up. Sign everyone up, I just brought in millions more fans.

Another thing: committee members must fast for 24 hours before the vote, so they’ll be extra ornery and ready to fight. 

Last thing—each full-time committee member has one thing in their arsenal called The Banisher. They only get one during their four-year service. If you use it, or try to use it and fail, you lose it. The Banisher, when applied to a school, eliminates them from the CFP for the year the committee member decides to cast it. Was Notre Dame’s loss to Northern Illinois at home in South Bend in front of Touchdown Jesus an unforgivable sin? If a committee member thinks so, they can banish Notre Dame for 2024.

Does Texas win three straight national championships with Quinn Ewers, Manning, and Manning, and Brando decides he’s tired of them, while getting Johnny Manziel and Jimbo on board? Then no playoff for the Longhorns in 2027. It has to be seconded, thirded, and approved by the commissioner, but it’s the ultimate big stick of power and why there will be a fight to get on the committee.

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Like I said, I can’t fix the electoral process or our fading trust in our dearest institutions, but I just gave college football fans the greatest hour of must-see TV in sports entertainment. The rankings show we have now is dull, stagnant, and uninteresting. Let’s fix it—this is America, after all.