OT: A tribute to my father
- Thread starter wbcbus
- Start date
I’m so sorry for your loss and your father’s suffering. Thank you for sharing his and your family’s journey here. I know many of us kept him in our prayers these past few years.
Take your time.
The death of a parent, even when you know it's coming, is not easy.
The pain never quite goes away; it just lessens in intensity. Take things a day at a time. While you're smart, and good at seeing the big picture, emotional events like you've experienced tend to overwhelm even the best organized individuals. Do your best to be true to yourself, as well as being supportive of your mom, your siblings, and your family. In their own personal ways, each of them is going through a painful grieving process.
While at times it's been sad and difficult to read, I've enjoyed reading about the situation your dad was facing, and all that you've done for him, and for your mom, over the past three years. I think any father would be proud to have a son that put as much time and effort into helping them with a health situation.
And the board will be here to offer any assistance you need. Just post a request, and we'll do what we can.
Your family and you have my deepest condolences.
Damn buddy. Gut wrenching. I hope you got some good quality time with him in the past few years.
My condolences. All the best to you and your family. You are a good man and a wonderful son.
This was a very poignant thread for me because today is the one year anniversary of my father's passing. If your dad was a golfer, perhaps he and my dad can play 9 together.
May he RIP.
Speaking from experience, the positive memories will pull you through any grief you are feeling.
My heart breaks for you and your family. I'm wiping tears as I read your posts. Please try to take solace in that death here on earth isn't the end, his soul continues here and now and was shaped by the love he experienced from his family, you among many other great experiences and events he lived while on Earth.
Shalom Brother
Please accept our most sincere condolences on the passing of your father.
Cincy, so sorry if I misled you in an earlier post about hospice. I too was unaware of the changes you describe. That aside, as many here have noted you have been nothing short of an exceptionally dedicated son, and that you can take solace in. Take care and we'll be thinking of you and your family.
‘I sorrow for you in your bereavement, my deepest condolences. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.’
'Though, after so much hurt ……healing is quite elusive and difficult, but so often we find happy reminders of that life.
Cling to these as a wonderful remembrance of a life, that all of you cherished.
As pictures fade with a loss that's special, we will be better in our future, knowing, it's not time that heals the wound, it IS ... the memories.'
Take care .... 'every sunrise and every sunset, is a blessing' @CRO
'Though, after so much hurt ……healing is quite elusive and difficult, but so often we find happy reminders of that life.
Cling to these as a wonderful remembrance of a life, that all of you cherished.
As pictures fade with a loss that's special, we will be better in our future, knowing, it's not time that heals the wound, it IS ... the memories.'
Take care .... 'every sunrise and every sunset, is a blessing' @CRO
So sad and heartbroken to hear this @wbcbus ; I do hope the lifetime of memories you made together carry you through the grief you and your family will have. Reading your thoughtful, painful, at times hopeful, but always honest posts about the trials and tribulations of these past few years has been at times both overwhleming and poignant - in large part becuase as I get older, I think more and more about the inevitability awaiting me and my family. Your posts have inspired me to say things that need to be said *now* to my loved ones and while that is comforting, there aren't enough words to do justice to the lifetime a parent and child have together. "In the end, we all get the same thing - a lifetime; no more, no less."
Thoughts and prayers with you and your family friend.
Thoughts and prayers with you and your family friend.
Deepest, heartfelt condolences to you and yours Sir. I’m just reading of your Dad’s passing now because I was away in the mountains, hiking with my brother, and only bring this up because this has become a new annual tradition for us to commemorate our own father’s passing only two short years ago. My father loved the mountains and the woods (and small town breweries) and so we take a hiking weekend every fall to celebrate his life, honor his memory and create new ones along the way. Needless to say, tears were still shed as we recalled his life and how he shaped ours, but so too were many smiles and laughs. As someone posted, the pain never goes away, but it certainly diminishes and changes into something cathartic…almost welcomed.
I’ll leave you with the words that an old friend shared with me in the immediacy of my father’s passing…words I still read periodically to keep me moving forward:
I was sad to hear of the death of your dad; I know you guys loved him and he was important to you - always a tough one in a certain sense, although as we grow older, and you guys have, we develop skills and capacities and the dependencies which once were so strong are not so strong, but still love is. You take care.
God’s Grace and peace be with you!
I’ll leave you with the words that an old friend shared with me in the immediacy of my father’s passing…words I still read periodically to keep me moving forward:
I was sad to hear of the death of your dad; I know you guys loved him and he was important to you - always a tough one in a certain sense, although as we grow older, and you guys have, we develop skills and capacities and the dependencies which once were so strong are not so strong, but still love is. You take care.
God’s Grace and peace be with you!
All I’m going to add here is something I said to my own father the day before he died, “Whatever needs to be said has already been said.”
So sorry, cbus. Get some rest as best you can. It’s rough. It takes lots of time. Hopefully you reach the perspective that turning this grief-driven energy to activities with your family will have the most positive impact on them and yourself while also letting some of that grief seemingly diminish quicker.
Cincy,
Reading your post simply broke me. We all should be blessed to have a son who did what you did for your father these past 3 years.
May our good and gracious God welcome your father into heaven.
May our good and gracious God wrap you, your Mom, your brothers and your entire family in His arms and comfort you all in your time of sorrow.
Reading your post simply broke me. We all should be blessed to have a son who did what you did for your father these past 3 years.
May our good and gracious God welcome your father into heaven.
May our good and gracious God wrap you, your Mom, your brothers and your entire family in His arms and comfort you all in your time of sorrow.
I can’t describe the impact your posts have had over time. Inspiring, fearful, hopeful, etc. Sounds a lot like the description of life. I’ve told you before that you are the son every father hopes to have and your dad sounds like the father every kid could wish for. Look after your mom and take this time to remember the memories that will hold your dad close.
If there is a charity or something your dad held dear to him please post and I’m sure they will be happy to receive donations in your dad’s name and memory.
Again, deepest condolences to your family.
If there is a charity or something your dad held dear to him please post and I’m sure they will be happy to receive donations in your dad’s name and memory.
Again, deepest condolences to your family.
Yes, it reminded us of our shared humanity. It’s been a gift.
So very sorry for your loss. It's hard to say goodbye to your dad. Let this virtual community help support you.
Bless your soul and peace/love to your family.
Keep the memories of your life with your dad
So sorry for your loss! May he RIP! God bless….Unfortunately, I know that scenario all to well! My mom died the same way, at home, with my brother and I by her side.
Deeply sorry for your loss. I've followed your journey here and feel your deep sadness. My 84 year old dad passed away June 28th this year. He was in home hospice as well, but in his assisted living facility apartment. I was all set to fly up to Boston a few days before his passing but I tested positive for covid (first time) and instead he passed with my mom and my brother by his side. I feel blessed his last few years were not filled with procedures/treatments or memory care. He simply had 84 years and that was it. I hope you navigate your way through grief but celebrate his life as well. My Dad was a double domer so we were able to have his service in The Basilica of the Sacred Heart on the Notre Dame campus. I miss my Dad terribly as I'm sure you do. My grief had been tempered by the knowledge he lived a full and exceptional life. God bless...
Cincy, the pure love you expressed between you, your father, mother is so touching. Such a strong love is not often witnessed. Typically in my experience, each family has at least one strong child who is caring and will do everything humanly possible as an advocate for their parent or sibling, you stand at the top of that list. What you described over the three year grind was such an outstanding advocacy for your father, a bull dog in his corner and he knew you were fighting for him all the time.
I had to watch my parents and wife's parents struggle and suffer for years till they passed. It is a hard thing to watch. I remember the last time I saw my father in law that as I knelt by his bed that I loved him. The tears in his eyes were all the answer I ever needed, it express his love to me without words. We all desire to maintain our physical contact with them yet know there has to be a time to pass on. He no longer feels pain or suffering as the Lord's love fills him. I'm so sorry for you loss, it's devastating when you've been so involved, showed so much love and cared so deeply. Now it's time for your mother's care. You described in part and I'm sure you will fulfill every and any thing she ever needs.
I considered chiming in with some personal notes of suffering and struggle but it would be inappropriate now. That phase is over. Grief and over time recovery and celebration of your father's life are in line. When my oldest brother's wife passed, the best part, other than the testimonials and anecdote's of her life and impact on others, was when we four brothers sat together after the funeral, discussing her life and his. As the oldest he had an impact on the three of us younger boys/men. Everyone else moved away, somehow knowing something very special was happening, and it was. This was the last time we were ever together. I think we all knew it would be our last, special half hour enjoying each other for a final time on earth. It is my sincere hope that you reminisce fondly and enjoy the company of your siblings as we did. I pray you, your mother and all your family find the peace of God through the weeks and months to come.
You are a very special man. Shalom
I had to watch my parents and wife's parents struggle and suffer for years till they passed. It is a hard thing to watch. I remember the last time I saw my father in law that as I knelt by his bed that I loved him. The tears in his eyes were all the answer I ever needed, it express his love to me without words. We all desire to maintain our physical contact with them yet know there has to be a time to pass on. He no longer feels pain or suffering as the Lord's love fills him. I'm so sorry for you loss, it's devastating when you've been so involved, showed so much love and cared so deeply. Now it's time for your mother's care. You described in part and I'm sure you will fulfill every and any thing she ever needs.
I considered chiming in with some personal notes of suffering and struggle but it would be inappropriate now. That phase is over. Grief and over time recovery and celebration of your father's life are in line. When my oldest brother's wife passed, the best part, other than the testimonials and anecdote's of her life and impact on others, was when we four brothers sat together after the funeral, discussing her life and his. As the oldest he had an impact on the three of us younger boys/men. Everyone else moved away, somehow knowing something very special was happening, and it was. This was the last time we were ever together. I think we all knew it would be our last, special half hour enjoying each other for a final time on earth. It is my sincere hope that you reminisce fondly and enjoy the company of your siblings as we did. I pray you, your mother and all your family find the peace of God through the weeks and months to come.
You are a very special man. Shalom
I know many people will speak of a deceased parent and say that person was "the best" parent ever. I am someone who is inherently cynical (though I think I'm merely realistic, which is exactly what a cynic would say), and not prone to hyperbole. Which I why I'm able to comfortably say those other people are wrong, because my father truly was.
I've mentioned my father's past in the thread on TOS, which I'll repeat here:
He admittedly misspent much of his youth, a spoiled doctor’s son who was expelled from Lock Haven HS and sent to military school, only to be kicked out of there for knocking out a teacher. The guidance counselor at Lock Haven told my grandparents not to expect him to ever be anything more than a gas station attendant or house painter.
He didn’t fair much better in college, being thrown out of Alfred University multiple times. One time while home from one of those expulsions, he was working at the Lock Haven paper mill, and an old timer asked him what his plans were. He said to spend a few months there and figure it out. The man told him he’d said the same thing 30 years ago. He quit that day and went back to school to finish that time.
He finished college and went off to Penn State for a graduate degree. There, as a bartender at the Sheraton, he met my mother who was waitressing, another Penn Stater with a young child from a brief marriage as a teenager. They fell in love, but were still leading a poor life. Then they found the Lord and their lives and paths were changed forever. My father adopted my oldest brother, and they then had my other brother and I.
He worked in the commercial and residential door industry then for 40 years, eventually becoming the VP of sales and marketing for a billion dollar company. He's one of only two people awarded the lifetime honorary member award with the Internal Door Association. Most importantly, he showed me the value of maintaining your integrity no matter what. He was looked up to and admired in his industry for those reasons. He was able to travel every corner of this country and many parts of the world as a result, achieving more than a million miles flown with multiple airlines. Not bad for a gas station attendant or house painter.
What really mattered to me though was that he was my best friend. And my hero. He was everything I want to be in a man in every way. From the type of husband he was to my mother, to the type of father he was to us, to the type of businessman he was. He was an aggressive fighter who backed down to no one, but I never heard him raise his voice or argue with my mom once. I remember as a child visiting friends' houses and hearing the way their parents talked to one another and being shocked, because I never heard that at my house. He honored my mother in every way, and insisted that everyone else did as well. He enjoyed a good drink, but I never saw him drunk. He enjoyed a good meal (and peanut butter cups, and snickers, and ice cream with chocolate syrup), but was always in incredibly good shape. He was always perfectly organized, perfectly groomed, perfectly fit.
One of my brothers and I both happened to marry into women from very difficult situations. My wife's mother is a borderline personality and bipolar, and who has actively rooted for bad things to happen to her for her entire life, because she wants her to be as miserable as her. Her father is a paranoid schizophrenic that created serious anxiety issues for her at a young age, and who is a constant stress and depressant. About a year into their relationship, the father of my brother's wife shot and killed her mother, then killed himself. She was 20 at the time, her sister was 12. My father became the de-facto father to all of them, filling the role of the stable, secure, loving father-figure none of them ever had. My wife ran multiple half-marathons with my father as he finally had the running partner none of his sons were. That once 12-year old sister of my brother's wife had my father walk her down the aisle at her wedding last September. So he wasn't just a father to us, he was also the father these other 3 women so badly needed.
There is no one in my life who I had more fun with than my dad. My mom would always say that nobody on earth enjoyed each other more than he and I did. We just enjoyed all of the exact same things so closely. And nobody laughed better than my dad. It was the type of deep, fall to the floor, can't breathe laughing that would make anyone else around laugh uncontrollably even if they had no idea what had started the laughter. His laughter is one of the things I will miss the most. I've never met anyone whose laugh was so contagious, so perfect.
I'm 40 years old, so maybe this is pathetic, but I still lived to make him proud. To impress him. Nothing made me feel better than to tell him about the things I'd done or was doing, and to hear him react and tell me how that made him feel. Maybe he was just appeasing me, but it worked. I think now often about how every time something happens where ordinarily I'd want to reach out to him, I won't have that anymore. Today, my wife texted me a picture of my 10-year old son in his cast (I came home for 2 days at the beginning of last week, and while we were playing catch in the front yard, he dove and broke his wrist...). He'd chosen the blue cast so it would be Penn State colors. When I got it, my mind immediately thought to send it to my dad. About a minute later my wife texted that she'd just thought she should send it to him before it hit her.
It's so hard right now to imagine how so much joy in my life can ever be replaced. He just added so much to everything that I love. Can any of those things ever be the same without him? They can't of course, they can still be great, but they'll never be the same. So I'll have to find other things which aren't attached to him, because those things will always be shadowed by the thought of how much better they'd be if he were still there. And I can't dwell on those. I have a responsibility to make my son's life as full of joy through me as mine was through him. I just wish so desperately he could've known my father for another couple decades. But when I'm busy feeling sorry for myself or him, I remind myself of my best friend who died of brain cancer at 15, or my mom's best friend who died of breast cancer at 38 with two daughters in 5th and 7th grade. They would have given anything to live to 71 and see their children grown.
As I finally got home last night, I sat and talked with my son a bit. Told him how we would never forget his "Pa," and that we'd often talk about him to remember him. Sometimes that would mean we laugh, and sometimes that would mean we cry, but that both emotions were okay. My wife had told me he didn't want to cry in front of me or my mom because he didn't want to make us more upset. His first reaction when my wife first told him that he had died was to ask if my mom was okay. And after I talked with him, he said that the thing that was most important to him is how thankful he is that the procedure last week worked so my dad wasn't in pain anymore when it happened. Even if I can't ever live up to my father's standard, my son appears well on his way.
I've said this on here before, and I will again, thank you so much to everyone who has followed along, offered encouragement and prayers, and shared in the sadness and joy along the way. Many would consider it stupid, but the ability to unload my thoughts and emotions on here with you all has meant a lot to me, and I'm forever grateful to you. You've got drinks on me should we ever meet.
I've mentioned my father's past in the thread on TOS, which I'll repeat here:
He admittedly misspent much of his youth, a spoiled doctor’s son who was expelled from Lock Haven HS and sent to military school, only to be kicked out of there for knocking out a teacher. The guidance counselor at Lock Haven told my grandparents not to expect him to ever be anything more than a gas station attendant or house painter.
He didn’t fair much better in college, being thrown out of Alfred University multiple times. One time while home from one of those expulsions, he was working at the Lock Haven paper mill, and an old timer asked him what his plans were. He said to spend a few months there and figure it out. The man told him he’d said the same thing 30 years ago. He quit that day and went back to school to finish that time.
He finished college and went off to Penn State for a graduate degree. There, as a bartender at the Sheraton, he met my mother who was waitressing, another Penn Stater with a young child from a brief marriage as a teenager. They fell in love, but were still leading a poor life. Then they found the Lord and their lives and paths were changed forever. My father adopted my oldest brother, and they then had my other brother and I.
He worked in the commercial and residential door industry then for 40 years, eventually becoming the VP of sales and marketing for a billion dollar company. He's one of only two people awarded the lifetime honorary member award with the Internal Door Association. Most importantly, he showed me the value of maintaining your integrity no matter what. He was looked up to and admired in his industry for those reasons. He was able to travel every corner of this country and many parts of the world as a result, achieving more than a million miles flown with multiple airlines. Not bad for a gas station attendant or house painter.
What really mattered to me though was that he was my best friend. And my hero. He was everything I want to be in a man in every way. From the type of husband he was to my mother, to the type of father he was to us, to the type of businessman he was. He was an aggressive fighter who backed down to no one, but I never heard him raise his voice or argue with my mom once. I remember as a child visiting friends' houses and hearing the way their parents talked to one another and being shocked, because I never heard that at my house. He honored my mother in every way, and insisted that everyone else did as well. He enjoyed a good drink, but I never saw him drunk. He enjoyed a good meal (and peanut butter cups, and snickers, and ice cream with chocolate syrup), but was always in incredibly good shape. He was always perfectly organized, perfectly groomed, perfectly fit.
One of my brothers and I both happened to marry into women from very difficult situations. My wife's mother is a borderline personality and bipolar, and who has actively rooted for bad things to happen to her for her entire life, because she wants her to be as miserable as her. Her father is a paranoid schizophrenic that created serious anxiety issues for her at a young age, and who is a constant stress and depressant. About a year into their relationship, the father of my brother's wife shot and killed her mother, then killed himself. She was 20 at the time, her sister was 12. My father became the de-facto father to all of them, filling the role of the stable, secure, loving father-figure none of them ever had. My wife ran multiple half-marathons with my father as he finally had the running partner none of his sons were. That once 12-year old sister of my brother's wife had my father walk her down the aisle at her wedding last September. So he wasn't just a father to us, he was also the father these other 3 women so badly needed.
There is no one in my life who I had more fun with than my dad. My mom would always say that nobody on earth enjoyed each other more than he and I did. We just enjoyed all of the exact same things so closely. And nobody laughed better than my dad. It was the type of deep, fall to the floor, can't breathe laughing that would make anyone else around laugh uncontrollably even if they had no idea what had started the laughter. His laughter is one of the things I will miss the most. I've never met anyone whose laugh was so contagious, so perfect.
I'm 40 years old, so maybe this is pathetic, but I still lived to make him proud. To impress him. Nothing made me feel better than to tell him about the things I'd done or was doing, and to hear him react and tell me how that made him feel. Maybe he was just appeasing me, but it worked. I think now often about how every time something happens where ordinarily I'd want to reach out to him, I won't have that anymore. Today, my wife texted me a picture of my 10-year old son in his cast (I came home for 2 days at the beginning of last week, and while we were playing catch in the front yard, he dove and broke his wrist...). He'd chosen the blue cast so it would be Penn State colors. When I got it, my mind immediately thought to send it to my dad. About a minute later my wife texted that she'd just thought she should send it to him before it hit her.
It's so hard right now to imagine how so much joy in my life can ever be replaced. He just added so much to everything that I love. Can any of those things ever be the same without him? They can't of course, they can still be great, but they'll never be the same. So I'll have to find other things which aren't attached to him, because those things will always be shadowed by the thought of how much better they'd be if he were still there. And I can't dwell on those. I have a responsibility to make my son's life as full of joy through me as mine was through him. I just wish so desperately he could've known my father for another couple decades. But when I'm busy feeling sorry for myself or him, I remind myself of my best friend who died of brain cancer at 15, or my mom's best friend who died of breast cancer at 38 with two daughters in 5th and 7th grade. They would have given anything to live to 71 and see their children grown.
As I finally got home last night, I sat and talked with my son a bit. Told him how we would never forget his "Pa," and that we'd often talk about him to remember him. Sometimes that would mean we laugh, and sometimes that would mean we cry, but that both emotions were okay. My wife had told me he didn't want to cry in front of me or my mom because he didn't want to make us more upset. His first reaction when my wife first told him that he had died was to ask if my mom was okay. And after I talked with him, he said that the thing that was most important to him is how thankful he is that the procedure last week worked so my dad wasn't in pain anymore when it happened. Even if I can't ever live up to my father's standard, my son appears well on his way.
I've said this on here before, and I will again, thank you so much to everyone who has followed along, offered encouragement and prayers, and shared in the sadness and joy along the way. Many would consider it stupid, but the ability to unload my thoughts and emotions on here with you all has meant a lot to me, and I'm forever grateful to you. You've got drinks on me should we ever meet.
My wife and son and I are going to participate in the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network 5k in Columbus this April. I'll post a link for donations here at that time. Otherwise, we're asking for donations in lieu of flowers to St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital in his name, Dan Beckley. As painful as what we experienced was, it pales in comparison to that of the children there.
Should the Bucs ever become competitive again, you're on. I'll buy the tickets and you buy the beer. Another beautifully written post, Cincy.
"there is a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you....."
I've experienced 3. My Mother, my Father and my Wife, chronologically. In that order. In the not too distant future your phone will ring and you will half expect to have your father on the other end of the call. Or perhaps something pleasant happens in your life and you will have the impulse to call and share it with that special person who would most appreciate it.
I know how difficult a loss of this magnitude can be. Be good to yourself. Remember that your Father would want you to carry on. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve......or that it is time to move on. The day will come, when you will think of moments you shared with him and smile.
If you have children, remember that they need you as much as you needed your Dad....no matter how old they are.
I've experienced 3. My Mother, my Father and my Wife, chronologically. In that order. In the not too distant future your phone will ring and you will half expect to have your father on the other end of the call. Or perhaps something pleasant happens in your life and you will have the impulse to call and share it with that special person who would most appreciate it.
I know how difficult a loss of this magnitude can be. Be good to yourself. Remember that your Father would want you to carry on. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve......or that it is time to move on. The day will come, when you will think of moments you shared with him and smile.
If you have children, remember that they need you as much as you needed your Dad....no matter how old they are.
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A friend just posted this on FB this morning. Seems this is a fitting place to share…
Thinking of my own dad. Every time he and I had a beer together, he'd say, "Isn't the best beer you've ever had?' Every damn time. Gone twenty years, but I feel his happiness and optimism every day.
Yeats:
Yeats:
For all things the delighted eye now sees | |
Were loved by him; the old storm-broken trees | 50 |
That cast their shadows upon road and bridge; | |
The tower set on the stream’s edge; | |
The ford where drinking cattle make a stir | |
Nightly, and startled by that sound | |
The water-hen must change her ground; | 55 |
He might have been your heartiest welcomer. |
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