If Ohio wants to ban noon kickoffs for Ohio State, what other college football-related laws should we propose?

Until Wednesday, it had been five months since an Ohio lawmaker authored a hopeless bill designed solely to pander to the fans of the most popular university in the great state.

In December, it was a bill that would make it illegal to plant a flag on the field at Ohio Stadium. This week, Tex Fischer decided to take aim at the epidemic of noon kickoffs for Ohio State games. With the eagerly anticipated season opener against Texas likely headed for a lunchtime kickoff on Aug. 30, Fischer wants to create a rule that would punish the network or conference officials who would dare force the Buckeyes to start a game before their fans have time to get properly lubricated. 

Fischer, a Republican state representative from the Youngstown suburb of Boardman, has written a bill that, if passed into law, would put Fox on the hook for a $10 million fine if it dared force the Buckeyes play a Big Noon game at home. (Except for the Michigan game, which Fischer wants to start at noon.) 

It’s never going to happen, but Fischer knows the electorate. Ohio State fans are sick of the Buckeyes getting selected for noon kickoffs, so Fischer will earn some goodwill if not a few hearty chuckles for submitting the bill.

It’s a savvy political move, and more politicians could curry favor with voters if they wrote laws to make the viewing and at-game experience better for fans. Here are a few ideas in case any state or federal legislators need to whip up a quick bill that 100 percent of the electorate will support.

State laws

Fischer, as member of the Ohio general assembly, can only propose laws that would affect the Buckeye State. But other state legislatures could pass laws to help the fans in their own states. We’ll get to the federal proposals soon, but let’s start in the statehouses.

Louisiana

HB600

An act to require that all college football contests played at Tiger Stadium start no earlier than 6 p.m. central time. A football game at LSU may only commence when the sun has found its home in the western sky. Any network that attempts to require an earlier kickoff will be denied the right to televise LSU games and New Orleans Saints games and its executives will be banned from Jazz Fest. 

Texas

BE IN ENACTED BY THE LEGISLATURE OF THE STATE OF TEXAS: Anyone wishing to throw a tortilla on the field of play at Jones AT&T Stadium in Lubbock may do so provided the Texas Tech offense does not have the ball. Both corn and flour tortillas are permitted, but they must be empty. Anyone caught throwing a taco or a quesadilla will be ejected.

Alabama

Enrolled, An Act,

No event planner may plan, nor any church book, nor any venue consider a wedding ceremony and/or reception on a Saturday between the final Saturday in August and the first Saturday in December. 

Exception: If both the football teams at the University of Alabama and Auburn University have open dates or if both are playing FCS opponents.

West Virginia

A BILL to amend the code of West Virginia to permit the public (outdoor) burning of any sofa, couch, Chesterfield or love seat within the boundaries of Monongalia County in the 12 hours following a victory by the West Virginia University football team.

Federal Laws

To truly protect the college football fan experience, we’ll need some laws to cover all 50 states. So we’ll have to get the U.S. Congress involved. My co-host Ari Wasserman wants violations of this first one to be punishable by death, but the best I can reasonably do without opening it up to an Eighth Amendment challenge is (quite warranted) federal prison time.

TO AMEND USC CH. 115 TO INCLUDE:

Sec. 1747 Unlawful stacking of advertising breaks

The executive producer of a college football broadcast may face up to 20 years in prison for allowing the following activity:

Touchdown, Commercial, Kickoff, Commercial

Field goal, Commercial, Kickoff, Commercial

Exception: If a quarter break occurs immediately following a kickoff.

An amendment to the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Statute (18 U.S.C. §§ 1961-1968)

The College Football Playoff selection committee may not meet more than one (1) time per calendar year. If a broadcasting network requires weekly rankings for programming purposes, then Greg McElroy and Joey Galloway may argue on November Tuesday nights about the rankings produced weekly by Andy Staples and Ari Wasserman of On3*.

*We are not above pork barrel politics, and we have a deep lobbying budget.  

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled, That the following is now required of every college football referee: 

The referee may not enforce a call of targeting unless the referee can explain in 30 seconds or fewer exactly how the offending player violated the targeting rule. If such an explanation is not possible, the player may remain in the game and no penalty will be assessed.