Is there a running thread for funny jokes or memes?
- Thread starter Got GSPs
- Start date
One night a man has a dream that he died and went to heaven.
He sat next to another man on a bench and began talking.
Before long a beautiful redhead walks by.
"Man, I'd sure like to screw that!"
"This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud."
His new friend replied.
So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay of his life. When he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man
all about it.
Then another hot lady walks by.
"Geez, I'd love to bang that!"
"Fine, just take her behind the white cloud."
He does, and returns back to the bench.
Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by.
"Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!"
"OK, just remember to go behind the white cloud."
He gets back and sets down.
"This is great! But I really have to take a ****!"
"Go behind the white cloud" the guy replies.
He gets up and does a number.
"What do I wipe with?"
"Just use some of the white cloud" The man yells back.
Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs where his wife
has made him breakfast.
"I had the wildest dream last night!" He says to his wife.
"You're telling me!
You screwed me three times, $..t on the pillow, and
wiped your a$$ with the sheets!"
The three words men hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!".
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Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
The youngest one at age 75 says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me a solid 20 minutes to wring out a good piss.
An 80-year-old man says, "That's nothing. My case is worse than that. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally finish growling out a decent crap."
A 90-year-old man says: "I wish I was you, my problems worse than both yours. I've got no problem peeing. In fact, I piss like a racehorse every morning at 7:00 a.m. at 8:00, I sh*t like a moose. .. every morning, like clockwork.
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until 9:00."
My nurse hates me…
The youngest one at age 75 says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me a solid 20 minutes to wring out a good piss.
An 80-year-old man says, "That's nothing. My case is worse than that. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally finish growling out a decent crap."
A 90-year-old man says: "I wish I was you, my problems worse than both yours. I've got no problem peeing. In fact, I piss like a racehorse every morning at 7:00 a.m. at 8:00, I sh*t like a moose. .. every morning, like clockwork.
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until 9:00."
My nurse hates me…
Not posting as a joke...but the sobriety of the passage
Fresh out of Berkeley, Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help.
One day during recess, she noticed a little girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other side.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the girl said, "I'm the goalie!"
Fresh out of Berkeley, Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help.
One day during recess, she noticed a little girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other side.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the girl said, "I'm the goalie!"
Had to Google the Flower dude..,
Who’s gal is in the second picture?
It was in college, and I was drunk.
“For the Glory…”
LOL
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Remember to stretch before and after…
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The gorgeous 23 year old nurse in the Covid ward was attending to patients who had almost recovered. She approached a bed where lay a corpulent middle-aged man with alert blue eyes.
‘How are you feeling now?’ she asked him with concern.
‘Not bad,’ he replied in a voice muffled by his face mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’
The nurse looked puzzled but being a total professional, wanted to reassure her patient. She lifted the blanket, pulled down the man’s pyjama pants and examined him closely, lifting his penis, checking his genitals with her warm hands and manipulating them to ascertain she’d looked thoroughly.
‘No,’ she said finally, ‘your testicles are not black.’
The man pulled down his face mask and said ‘Thank you nurse. I enjoyed that very much but what I actually asked you was: Are my test results back?’
‘How are you feeling now?’ she asked him with concern.
‘Not bad,’ he replied in a voice muffled by his face mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’
The nurse looked puzzled but being a total professional, wanted to reassure her patient. She lifted the blanket, pulled down the man’s pyjama pants and examined him closely, lifting his penis, checking his genitals with her warm hands and manipulating them to ascertain she’d looked thoroughly.
‘No,’ she said finally, ‘your testicles are not black.’
The man pulled down his face mask and said ‘Thank you nurse. I enjoyed that very much but what I actually asked you was: Are my test results back?’
Of course I'm Very familiar with this Dispenser....
how the hell else would you buy cigarettes at a resturant or bar?
how the hell else would you buy cigarettes at a resturant or bar?
Knowing a little about cars, I believe this is sound advice.
A guy goes to his doctor and says "Doc, ya gotta help me. My dick is turning orange!"
Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can have a look. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange! Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life. How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired 6 weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy says "No, the boss was a real *******, I had to work 20-30 hrs of overtime every week, and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting twice my old pay, and the boss is real cool."
So the doc thinks a little longer and says "Well, do you have any hobbies or a social life?" Guy says, "No, most nights I just sit at home watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos."
Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can have a look. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange! Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life. How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired 6 weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy says "No, the boss was a real *******, I had to work 20-30 hrs of overtime every week, and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting twice my old pay, and the boss is real cool."
So the doc thinks a little longer and says "Well, do you have any hobbies or a social life?" Guy says, "No, most nights I just sit at home watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos."
What if instead of Cheetos, he ate scones? @BobPSU92
...which is why we will work together, and continue to work together, to address these issues, to tackle these challenges, and to work together as we continue to work operating from the new norms, rules, and agreements, that we will convene to work together on...
So I got a new car last week. Fastest production car in the world. 2022 Beep Beep Turbo GT Limited. Goes 247 mph and cost $2.5 million.
The other day I'm sitting at a stoplight. Old guy pulls up beside me on a moped. He looks over and says through the open window "what kinda car is that, sonny."
"2022 Beep Beep Turbo GT Limited. Fastest production car in the world. Goes 247 mph and cost $2.5 million"
He nods and leans in the open window to check out the interior. "Real nice, but I ain't got no use for something this fast or this fancy"
When the light turns, I decide to put on a show, so I floor it. Within a block I'm doing 200 mph. I happen to look in the rear view mirror, and the guy on the moped is coming up behind me! He catches me and goes flying past me. About a block ahead, he turns and starts coming back towards me and whizzes past me again. Looking in the rear view, he turns and is again catching up to me.
So I'm getting kinda pissed that a guy on a moped is catching my $2.5 million 2022 Beep Beep Turbo GT Limited, when, wham! he slams into the back of the car.
I get out to help him and he insists he's ok. I ask him if there's anything I can do for him, but again he insists he's fine.
As I'm walking back to the car he says "hey, there is one thing you can do for me..... unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror before you leave"
The other day I'm sitting at a stoplight. Old guy pulls up beside me on a moped. He looks over and says through the open window "what kinda car is that, sonny."
"2022 Beep Beep Turbo GT Limited. Fastest production car in the world. Goes 247 mph and cost $2.5 million"
He nods and leans in the open window to check out the interior. "Real nice, but I ain't got no use for something this fast or this fancy"
When the light turns, I decide to put on a show, so I floor it. Within a block I'm doing 200 mph. I happen to look in the rear view mirror, and the guy on the moped is coming up behind me! He catches me and goes flying past me. About a block ahead, he turns and starts coming back towards me and whizzes past me again. Looking in the rear view, he turns and is again catching up to me.
So I'm getting kinda pissed that a guy on a moped is catching my $2.5 million 2022 Beep Beep Turbo GT Limited, when, wham! he slams into the back of the car.
I get out to help him and he insists he's ok. I ask him if there's anything I can do for him, but again he insists he's fine.
As I'm walking back to the car he says "hey, there is one thing you can do for me..... unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror before you leave"
Jet is settling in at 32,000 feet and the pilot gets on the PA and announces the seat belt sign has been turned off, you may move around the cabin, and as always, thank you for flying with XYZ Airlines.
Thinking he had flipped the switch to off, he says to the others in the cockpit - boys, I’m going back and take a leak, and then see what I can do about getting some time with the new stewardess. This broadcast all throughout the plane.
The stewardess hears this and comes running up the aisle from the back. She trips and falls in the aisle. Older lady looks down at her and says, slow down, honey, he said he was going to take a leak first.
OL
Thinking he had flipped the switch to off, he says to the others in the cockpit - boys, I’m going back and take a leak, and then see what I can do about getting some time with the new stewardess. This broadcast all throughout the plane.
The stewardess hears this and comes running up the aisle from the back. She trips and falls in the aisle. Older lady looks down at her and says, slow down, honey, he said he was going to take a leak first.
OL
My wife likes to talk to me during sex. Last night she called me from the Holiday Inn.
Haha, thats got to be a Rodney Dangerfield joke
Husband to wife: "Go braless, it will pull the wrinkles from your face!"
With all the teachers on board, surprised there are no “Johnny” jokes.
Teacher was showing the class a picture of a rat and asked, “how do you think the tail is attached?”
Sally - by glue?
Melissa - staple?
Johnny - by the size of those nuts, there are probably a couple of bolts somewhere!
Give a 3-syllable word, spell it and use in a sentence.
Sally - wonderful (spells out the word). I think you are a wonderful teacher.
Melissa - beautiful (spells), You are a beautiful teacher.
Teacher is a bit embarrassed, but continues.
Johnny - urinate (spells) my dad says your-n-8, but with bigger boobs, you could be a ten!
OL
Teacher was showing the class a picture of a rat and asked, “how do you think the tail is attached?”
Sally - by glue?
Melissa - staple?
Johnny - by the size of those nuts, there are probably a couple of bolts somewhere!
Give a 3-syllable word, spell it and use in a sentence.
Sally - wonderful (spells out the word). I think you are a wonderful teacher.
Melissa - beautiful (spells), You are a beautiful teacher.
Teacher is a bit embarrassed, but continues.
Johnny - urinate (spells) my dad says your-n-8, but with bigger boobs, you could be a ten!
OL
Teacher: ""Buckwheat, use the word dictate in a sentence". Buckwheat: "Hey Darla, how my dictate?"
Johnny use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence: My moms shirt has ten buttons but her tits so big she can only fascinate
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