Is there a running thread for funny jokes or memes?
- Thread starter Got GSPs
- Start date
The Pole Vaulter is Rickie Fowler's wife
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep ****."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep ****."
What do you get when cross an agnostic dyslexic with an insomniac? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there’s a dog.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The Maid quit. Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS...
Phone rings at the AAA
Guy says, "My name is Ziggy and I'm an alcoholic"
Other guy says, "Sir, this it Triple A, Not AA"
Guy says, "I know, I'm just trying to help explain why my car is in the fu@#ing lake"
Guy says, "My name is Ziggy and I'm an alcoholic"
Other guy says, "Sir, this it Triple A, Not AA"
Guy says, "I know, I'm just trying to help explain why my car is in the fu@#ing lake"
Ziggy, Is this the one & only... risen from the dead. If you see your shadow, does this mean six more weeks of winter?
Your MLB team?
Still a favorite of mine....
A young lady gets a phone call that her 94 year old grandfather passed away suddenly
She goes to the funeral and then visits her 92 year old grandmother afterwards
She says "Grandma, how did grandpa die?"
Grandma says "Well, it was a typical Sunday morning. Your grandfather and I were making love..."
The young lady says "Grandma that is not healthy at your age!"
Grandma says "No it was fine. We used the rhythm of the church bells....in with a gong, out with a gong, in with a gong.....and it was all going great, until that
damn ice cream truck drove by!"
A young lady gets a phone call that her 94 year old grandfather passed away suddenly
She goes to the funeral and then visits her 92 year old grandmother afterwards
She says "Grandma, how did grandpa die?"
Grandma says "Well, it was a typical Sunday morning. Your grandfather and I were making love..."
The young lady says "Grandma that is not healthy at your age!"
Grandma says "No it was fine. We used the rhythm of the church bells....in with a gong, out with a gong, in with a gong.....and it was all going great, until that
damn ice cream truck drove by!"
Her: "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"
Me: She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella
Me: She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella
Wife: My gynecologist said no sex for a month! Husband: What did your dentist say?
Is Bernie your dentist also, he's a great guy. Have an appointment on Monday....
Wonder if he's going to cut me off from ..........?
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one
candy bar after another.
After the 4th one a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.
It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "Well...my grandfather lived to be
107 years old."
The man asked, "Oh yeah? Did your grandfather eat 4 candy
bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own f..kin'
business."
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it was bound to happen sooner or later
A young couple get married. As the husband is an avid golfer, the wife decides to take up golf so she can spend more time with him.
Knowing nothing about it, she goes to the pro for lessons. The pro was busy and advised her to get a bucket of balls and practice until he was through with his present client.
"But I don't even know how to hold the clubs" The pro says, "Just hold it like you would your husband's penis."
Some time later, the pro approaches the driving range to see the woman driving the ball a fair distance. He says, "Not bad, but lets take the club out of your mouth."
A young couple get married. As the husband is an avid golfer, the wife decides to take up golf so she can spend more time with him.
Knowing nothing about it, she goes to the pro for lessons. The pro was busy and advised her to get a bucket of balls and practice until he was through with his present client.
"But I don't even know how to hold the clubs" The pro says, "Just hold it like you would your husband's penis."
Some time later, the pro approaches the driving range to see the woman driving the ball a fair distance. He says, "Not bad, but lets take the club out of your mouth."
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im not that old yet, but I’m close…
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it was bound to happen sooner or later
A young couple get married. As the husband is an avid golfer, the wife decides to take up golf so she can spend more time with him.
Knowing nothing about it, she goes to the pro for lessons. The pro was busy and advised her to get a bucket of balls and practice until he was through with his present client.
"But I don't even know how to hold the clubs" The pro says, "Just hold it like you would your husband's penis."
Some time later, the pro approaches the driving range to see the woman driving the ball a fair distance. He says, "Not bad, but lets take the club out of your mouth."
So the husband comes home from his Sunday round with the boys. Goes into the kitchen to grab a beer where he is greeted by his wife. She says to him, "Hi honey, how was your game today?" He walks over to her and proceeds to punch her right in the face, knocking her out! She gets up a few minutes later and says to him, "Why did you do that to me???" He replies, "I am hitting everything fat today!"it was bound to happen sooner or later
A young couple get married. As the husband is an avid golfer, the wife decides to take up golf so she can spend more time with him.
Knowing nothing about it, she goes to the pro for lessons. The pro was busy and advised her to get a bucket of balls and practice until he was through with his present client.
"But I don't even know how to hold the clubs" The pro says, "Just hold it like you would your husband's penis."
Some time later, the pro approaches the driving range to see the woman driving the ball a fair distance. He says, "Not bad, but lets take the club out of your mouth."
A family went to a nudist camp for their vacation
The young son came back to the tent and said, "Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls. They've got these HUGE..."
"Yes, well," his mother sniffs. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."
Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. "You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE..."
"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man."
"Really?" the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. "We might be in trouble, Mom."
"Why, honey?"
"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."
The young son came back to the tent and said, "Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls. They've got these HUGE..."
"Yes, well," his mother sniffs. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."
Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. "You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE..."
"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man."
"Really?" the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. "We might be in trouble, Mom."
"Why, honey?"
"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."
The Bunnings Greeter
Bunnings is an Australasian hardware chain
My One day of employment
After landing my new job as a Bunnings greete
a good
find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day
......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said,
pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.
I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice....
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings”
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work
.
Bunnings is an Australasian hardware chain
My One day of employment
After landing my new job as a Bunnings greete
a good
find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day
......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said,
pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.
I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice....
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings”
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work
.
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