OT - Say You’re Married without Saying You’re Married

[kb549]

FWIW: 2.5g Southern Grown Therapeutics Gorilla Glue Flower, Dabs of Gastro Pop Live Rosin and Jessica Rabbit Budder. (Last night)

I have a damn good job, should be independently wealthy after 22 years. I don’t have any expensive hobbies. Vehicle is paid for. House payment is 10% of my income. I travel most weeks and get my meals paid for. I don’t spend money. I’m damn near flat broke.

holla if ya hear me.

 

[PooPopsBaldHead]

• I always have to clean the lint trap before and after using the dryer.
• I have a closet full of ill fitting, uncomfortable clothes no man would ever buy.
• I have a dozen useless hunting, golfing, or fishing devices that I have received as gifts.
• Everytime I cook steak, I have to cook at least one small filet.
• Every closet in my house has wrapping paper stuffed in the back for every possible occasion.
• 90% of my cabinet space is taken up by some kind of serving dish that could not possibly be used more than once a year.
• My shower has 37 different types of shampoo, conditioner, and cleanser taking up all of the shelf space. None of its mine.
• My refrigerator always has greek yogurt and some type of bubbly water in it.
• I break down a dozen Amazon and Target boxes a day only to have to put 11 of them back together to send the stuff that came in them back.
• My feet apparently always stink and I fart too much. Every night I'm told I am need to go see a doctor about both conditions.
• My shower drain is clogged with hair at least once a week.
• I have at least 20 lamps and side tables scattered around my house.
• I have dozens of unopened stationary or various thank you card and envelope sets that have never been used filling up a junk drawer.
• I have a couple dozen pillows on my bed and only use one when I sleep.

 

[T-TownDawgg]

I’m 46 years old and I think my hymen is growing back

 

[T-TownDawgg]

I designed our bathroom with a 12x12 walk-in closet, a 10-foot long double vanity, and I have to rake stuff aside just to brush my teeth.

Next house will have two(2) master bathrooms or no dice.

 

[fedxdog]

My garage is full of stuff I didn't buy...just saying!

 

[HailStout]

14 year old me was completely wrong about how much sex he thought you got when you are married

related, I bought my wife lingerie once. That is a mistake I will never make again

 

[T-TownDawgg]

I fully understand Al Bundy’s 1000 yard stare of DGAF

 

[Dawgbite]

Neighbor asks: what kind of dog did you just get?

Me: it’s a $700 mix between a Maltese and Shih Tzu.

So, a Shih Teater?

 

[Armchair QB.sixpack]

I'm an expert on carrying the full garbage bags left by the backdoor the last 20 feet to the outside trash can.

 

[T-TownDawgg]

I'm an expert on carrying the full garbage bags left by the backdoor the last 20 feet to the outside trash can.

This.
To balance the scales of justice, I keep clean, folded clothes on the floor 5 feet from my dresser.

 

[Dawgbite]

There was a naked woman in my bedroom last night and I didn’t have sex.

 

[SchrodingersDawg]

 

[Dawgbite]

I’ve never loaded a dishwasher correctly in my life.

 

[MagicDawg]

I am the only person in my house who knows how to turn a light switch to the "off" position.

 

[HailStout]

There was a naked woman in my bedroom last night and I didn’t have sex.

We have a winner

 

[NWADog]

I have paid too much money to photographers for “seasonal photo shoots”

I have gotten in my vehicle to go to work with my gas on E unexpectedly

 

[Thebulldogcountry1]

I’ve been criticized for how wet the towel is after I dry off out of the shower.

 

[ETK99]

Huh? I've lost all my hearing

 

[thatsbaseball]

Never learn to cook or act like you know what you’re doing in the kitchen. She will give the job to you full-time… fast.

If you ever tasted my wife's cooking.....you'd know why I learned to cook.

 

[Dawgbite]

I slept with a woman last night that was wearing a see-through nightgown. It wasn’t lace or sheer, it was a 25 year old t shirt that was so thin and full of holes you can read the Lord’s Prayer through it.

 

[mcdawg22]

FWIW, breaking into a bottle of A Cut Above - distilled in Kiln, MS. Good stuff with one ice cube.
Anyway, I’ll start.
“I have loaded a dishwasher, and folded clothes, incorrectly

I bought a Roomba so if my wife bitches about me being lazy I can tell her I vacuumed today, thank you!

 

[thatsbaseball]

" I bought my wife lingerie once."

......and she proceeded to by 45 pair of flannel pajamas. Yep been there done that

 

[HailStout]

I slept with a woman last night that was wearing a see-through nightgown. It wasn’t lace or sheer, it was a 25 year old t shirt that was so thin and full of holes you can read the Lord’s Prayer through it.

You might as well do some scripture reading, once she has slipped into that nighttime attire, your chances of doing much of anything else have gone to zero

 

[Awwhellnaw]

The classic food fight…
Her: What do you want for dinner?
Me: I don’t care. Whatever you want. I might just eat leftovers.
Her: Ugh.. I don’t want leftovers.
Me: Ok. How about _________?
Her: No. I just had that two days ago.
Me: How about ________?
Her: Ugh. I’m not in the mood for that.
Me: Just shoot me.

 

[Dawgbite]

The classic food fight…
Her: What do you want for dinner?
Me: I don’t care. Whatever you want. I might just eat leftovers.
Her: Ugh.. I don’t want leftovers.
Me: Ok. How about _________?
Her: No. I just had that two days ago.
Me: How about ________?
Her: Ugh. I’m not in the mood for that.
Me: Just shoot me.

Kinda like choosing a restaurant.

 

[Podgy]

"Emily (not her real name) told me you picked her up five minutes late from school today . That's not the first time you've been late this month but today was different. She said she was cold because she didn't have a coat. When you bring her to school, you're supposed to make sure she's dressed properly. Didn't you check the weather before bringing her? I'm only saying this because you did the same thing last year and she was cold and that might have been why she missed a couple of days of school. You're the dad. You have to be responsible, not her. You know she gets cold easily and I want you to remember to check the weather before bringing her to school. We don't need her to miss school and get behind because it's hard to catch up. If you leave her out in the cold because you're late to pick her up she might catch a cold and be out for a few days. I don't want her to miss school so can you please be on time on your day to pick her up and make sure she goes to school with a coat and maybe a hat. I'm only saying that because you need to be reminded to not be late. She's your daughter and you're a good dad and I know you love her but sometimes you need to be reminded about some things. Maybe set the timer on your phone so you won't forget. Because when you forget, like today, you sometimes leave her out in the cold without a coat.... Have you seen my keys?"

 

[militarydog]

1) I just expect to get gas first on any trip, no matter the distance, when I have to take her vehicle.

2) I end up picking where we go to eat after asking her where she would like to go a hundred times and still somehow always pick the wrong place.

Is this the conversation?
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: I don’t care. Anywhere is good with me.
Me: Great. Let’s eat Mexican.
Her: No. I had Mexican a couple of days ago.
Me: Okay. Let’s do Zaxbys.
Her: I just don’t feel like chicken.
Me: Earlier you said anywhere is good.
Her: I didn’t think you would pick those. Anywhere else is good.
Me: Okay. Let’s get a hamburger.
Her: We always get hamburgers.
Me: Screw it. You pick a place or we are getting a hamburger.
Her: Why are you yelling at me? I just don’t want a hamburger. Anywhere else is fine.

 

[BulldogBlitz]

I will say...and have said to my wife....im very lucky. It just took a do-over. The first wife was psycho...."if I die would you remarry" "why do I have to do everything " (keep in mind I cooked then too, she only had to put dishes in dishwasher).

My wife now, yes...the only thing I can think of is the demand to have dirty laundry sorted so it just gets picked up and dumped in the machine.

 

[thatsbaseball]

"Why are you yelling at me? I just don’t want a hamburger. Anywhere else is fine."

........ followed immediately by pouting and silence

 

[Mobile Bay]

And here I sit alone in the world, wishing I had your problems.

 

[Raiderdawg]

I started a holiday tradition 12 years ago of seeing the ballet production of the Nutcracker and I am not related/don’t know any of the performers.

 

[Dawgbyte75]

Because I can correctly translate the word “we” and “let’s” when directly followed by a desired outcome or action.

No, “we” is not her speaking French.

No, “let’s” does not mean us.

“We” and “let’s” translates to get your *** up and get busy.

 

[kb549]

"Why are you yelling at me? I just don’t want a hamburger. Anywhere else is fine."

........ followed immediately by pouting and silence

And then….”Just go home. I’ll eat a bowl of cereal.”

 

[Wesson Bulldog]

Our 5 kids are all grown. We have a 4 bedroom house with walk in closets in all rooms. . We both have walk in closets in the master. I built closet shelves in the office 12 years ago as a valentines day present. I utilize half of my closet for all my clothes, shoes, hats, etc. Every other one in the house is filled with her clothes, 1000 pairs of shoes, 65 jackets and coats, etc. Myvside of the bathroom is neat and tidy with little on the counter top. Her side is completely covered in make up, perfume, creams, lotions, makeup bags, etc. And her 'outfits for the week' are hanging on any kind of hook or bar all over the bathroom. And we average 3 Amazon packages a day. Yes I feel your pain!

 

[SteelCurtain74]

"Why are you yelling at me? I just don’t want a hamburger. Anywhere else is fine."

........ followed immediately by pouting and silence

I pray for pouting and silence. Unfortunately I get anything but however to combat this I now ask in advance if there is anything she doesn't want. At least then I have a fighting chance to pick something she can tolerate. It works about 25% of the time.

 

[thatsbaseball]

her : Wipe that counter top where you made your sandwich
me: aight
her: we need to paint this kitchen
me: (silently) WTF

 

[WilCoDawg]

 

[WilCoDawg]

I designed our bathroom with a 12x12 walk-in closet, a 10-foot long double vanity, and I have to rake stuff aside just to brush my teeth.

Next house will have two(2) master bathrooms or no dice.

Rookie mistake you have to have TWO vanities so that doesn’t happen. Then again, my vanity is the one everyone ends up going to and thus leaving whatever item they used on.

 

[IBleedMaroonDawg]

"Emily (not her real name) told you me you picked her up five minutes late from school today . That's not the first time you've been late this month but today was different. She said she was cold because she didn't have a coat. When you bring her to school, you're supposed to make sure she's dressed properly. Didn't you check the weather before bringing her? I'm only saying this because you did the same thing last year and she was cold and that might have been why she missed a couple of days of school. You're the dad. You have to be responsible, not her. You know she gets cold easily and I want you to remember to check the weather before bringing her to school. We don't need her to miss school and get behind because it's hard to catch up. If you leave her out in the cold because you're late to pick her up she might catch a cold and be out for a few days. I don't want her to miss school so can you please be on time on your day to pick her up and make sure she goes to school with a coat and maybe a hat. I'm only saying that because you need to be reminded to not be late. She's your daughter and you're a good dad and I know you love her but sometimes you need to be reminded about some things. Maybe set the timer on your phone so you won't forget. Because when you forget, like today, you sometimes leave her out in the cold without a coat.... Have you seen my keys?"

I always wondered what happened to my first wife.

 

[maroonmadman]

My wife has 4 cats and I'm the one who cleans the litter box.