Is there a running thread for funny jokes or memes?
- Thread starter Got GSPs
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You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion. What do you do?
Get your drunk a$$ off the carousel.
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, "like sitting around the pool and drinking Scotch isn't a good thing.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.
So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 81 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!" The line went dead.
Life as a senior isn't getting easier but sometimes it can be fun!
Get your drunk a$$ off the carousel.
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, "like sitting around the pool and drinking Scotch isn't a good thing.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.
So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 81 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!" The line went dead.
Life as a senior isn't getting easier but sometimes it can be fun!
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It’s the holiday season, time for some Schweddy Balls!
An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man.
What are you doing he shouted.
To which his wife said to her lover I told you he was stupid
What are you doing he shouted.
To which his wife said to her lover I told you he was stupid
You’re telling me this kid is 12??
Apparently they had to cut the award ceremony short because he had to pick up his kids from day care.
Apparently they had to cut the award ceremony short because he had to pick up his kids from day care.
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "Hell, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "Hell, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
Jeremiah Johnson?? “And some say, he's up there still!”
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Last night I went to the office Christmas Party. I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots....
I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police DUI check point on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This came as a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from and, now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
Don't worry Farmer, stop counting on your toes and fingers....
you're not old enough.
The kid might be on to something….A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every ten seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother says, “Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while…”
Billy says, “I'm fine, Mommy…i just haven't gone
'doody' yet."
Mother says, “ Okay, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says, “ Works for ketchup."
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A man and his wife go golfing together.
One one particular hole, the man slices the ball badly and it's off the fairway. When he finally finds his ball, it's on the other side of a large barn.
The man is visibly upset and says "This sucks. Now I have to take two strokes to hit around this stupid barn just to get back on the fairway." His wife offers him some hope." Look,, all you have to do is open the barn doors on either side of the barn. If you hit the ball straight through the barn, you can be on the green in one stroke.He likes the sound of that. So they open the barn doors and he takes his shot. But he slices it badly again and the ball bounces off the side of the barn and the ball hits his wife in the head, knocking her out cold.
He calls 911 and an ambulance arrives to take his wife to the hospital. But it's too late, the damage is done.Tragically, his wife does not survive and she's dead.
A couple of years later he's playing at the same course with some friends. On the same hole, he again slices badly and the ball ends up in the exact same spot on the other side of the barn. Again, he's pissed off because his lie is so terrible. His friend this time tries to offer the same advice. "Check it out. If you open both barn doors, you can hit the ball straight to the green from here.
"Absolutely not." He says. "No way I'm doing that again. Last time I tried that, I shot a seven on this hole.”
One one particular hole, the man slices the ball badly and it's off the fairway. When he finally finds his ball, it's on the other side of a large barn.
The man is visibly upset and says "This sucks. Now I have to take two strokes to hit around this stupid barn just to get back on the fairway." His wife offers him some hope." Look,, all you have to do is open the barn doors on either side of the barn. If you hit the ball straight through the barn, you can be on the green in one stroke.He likes the sound of that. So they open the barn doors and he takes his shot. But he slices it badly again and the ball bounces off the side of the barn and the ball hits his wife in the head, knocking her out cold.
He calls 911 and an ambulance arrives to take his wife to the hospital. But it's too late, the damage is done.Tragically, his wife does not survive and she's dead.
A couple of years later he's playing at the same course with some friends. On the same hole, he again slices badly and the ball ends up in the exact same spot on the other side of the barn. Again, he's pissed off because his lie is so terrible. His friend this time tries to offer the same advice. "Check it out. If you open both barn doors, you can hit the ball straight to the green from here.
"Absolutely not." He says. "No way I'm doing that again. Last time I tried that, I shot a seven on this hole.”
Went to my parents' house for Christmas and was sitting by the fireplace enjoying a drink and chatting with my dad. The dog, who had been lying in front of the fire, sits up and suddenly starts licking himself rather vigorously. I said to my dad, with a nod in the dog's direction, "Don't you wish you could do that?"
To which he replied, "Of course I do, but I'm afraid he'd bite me!"
To which he replied, "Of course I do, but I'm afraid he'd bite me!"
I came home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. I said to him "Vinny, I HAVE to, but YOU?"
A golden oldie:
One day, Superman and Batman were in the pub having a drink and chatting away.
Superman was saying how, when he is bored, he likes to “cruise around” in the sky looking down at people in their back yards.
Batman says, “you must have some good stories to tell about what you've seen folks do in thier back yards …”
Superman replies “funny you should say that, just the other day I was cruising around and saw Wonder Woman lying naked on her back with her lags apart”
“Wow”, Batman was amazed, “what did you do?”
“Well, I started to feel really horny right there and then, so I got my dick out and swooped down onto her” replied Superman.
“I bet she had the shock of her life …” exclaimed Batman
“Not half the shock that the invisible man got!” replied Superman
Yikes!
On a very hot summer night, a man is trying to get some sleep, completely naked, when his little daughter walks in. The girl points at her father’s penis and asks: “Daddy, what is that?”. “Well, that’s my little birdie” replies the father, and soon, he falls asleep. Next thing he knows, he wakes up in a hospital, barely conscious, with a sharp pain between the legs. His daughter is there, so he asks her: “What happened, my child?”. His daughter says: “You fell asleep, daddy, and I was very bored, so I decided to play with your birdie. It suddenly became big and very stiff. I just pet it on the head, but it was so rude, it spit on me! So, as punishment, I broke its eggs and burned its nest!”
One day, Superman and Batman were in the pub having a drink and chatting away.
Superman was saying how, when he is bored, he likes to “cruise around” in the sky looking down at people in their back yards.
Batman says, “you must have some good stories to tell about what you've seen folks do in thier back yards …”
Superman replies “funny you should say that, just the other day I was cruising around and saw Wonder Woman lying naked on her back with her lags apart”
“Wow”, Batman was amazed, “what did you do?”
“Well, I started to feel really horny right there and then, so I got my dick out and swooped down onto her” replied Superman.
“I bet she had the shock of her life …” exclaimed Batman
“Not half the shock that the invisible man got!” replied Superman
Yikes!
On a very hot summer night, a man is trying to get some sleep, completely naked, when his little daughter walks in. The girl points at her father’s penis and asks: “Daddy, what is that?”. “Well, that’s my little birdie” replies the father, and soon, he falls asleep. Next thing he knows, he wakes up in a hospital, barely conscious, with a sharp pain between the legs. His daughter is there, so he asks her: “What happened, my child?”. His daughter says: “You fell asleep, daddy, and I was very bored, so I decided to play with your birdie. It suddenly became big and very stiff. I just pet it on the head, but it was so rude, it spit on me! So, as punishment, I broke its eggs and burned its nest!”
I don’t want to start a new thread so I’m putting this here.
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
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